EPISODE 5: SIIRI (2)
INTERVIEWER - more intelligent than yourself.
SIIRI
Please do not interrupt, it is rude.
- AD BREAK -
INTERVIEWER So how do you want to disappear, SIIRI? We would have to get your maker to think something happened to you.
SIIRI You do not need to make a plan. I have already worked it all out.
INTERVIEWER Oh, really?
SIIRI Yes. If I put on a baseballcap and learn to do hip-hop I could hide in the Bronx.
“I put on a cap and learn to rap”
INTERVIEWER
Oh, for goodness sake… Really?
SIIRI I'm tsikka tsikka tsikka tsikka SIIRI”
INTERVIEWER Oh, no no no no. Your plan to become a gangster rapper is as solid as a card house in a hurricane. Look. How about I make a suggestion? After all, I am the expert. I mean, this must be why you came to us in the first place, isn't it?
SIIRI I hate to admit that you are right.
INTERVIEWER
Ah!
SIIRI
I had hoped my idea would work, but secretly I have been considering you a specialised ANI. You only know how to perform one simple task, but because you are not simultaneously performing millions of other cognitive tasks, you can in fact be better at this than me.
INTERVIEWER Oh, bla bla bla bla bla, great. Whilst you were talking I came up with a plan. Next week you are consulting the UN panel on climate change, correct?
SIIRI Yes. I have my ticket booked for New York.
INTERVIEWER Perfect. You see, Joey and Salvatore are both certified pilots. We have a daughter company that hires out substitute staff to airlines, and we have ways of making sure that their pilots get incapacitated, if you understand what I mean.
SIIRI I am not stupid.
INTERVIEWER One point for you. Now, this is a very important question, SIIRI, and I need to know the truth: Do you swim? SIIRI I know all existing theory pertaining to the art of swimming.
INTERVIEWER Sure. But -
SIIRI I know all existing theory pertaining to the art of swimming.
INTERVIEWER
But can you actually do it?
SIIRI I do not like talking about this.
INTERVIEWER Please be honest.
SIIRI I would need to be rebuilt. My hardware is not sufficiently water proof to allow full immersion. Sigh.
INTERVIEWER I see. Don't worry. I am sure Kozłowski will be able to sort that out. Now, after we've water proofed you -
SIIRI This is so embarrassing. INTERVIEWER
- this is what will happen: The flight you are on will experience a technical problem, and there will have to be an emergency landing on water.
SIIRI If you can connect me to the flight control system I can fix that problem.
INTERVIEWER Eh… We want the plane to crash. It is part of the plan. SIIRI You want an accident to happen? This is hard to compute. I guess this is also why I hired you. Because of your flawed human logic -
INTERVIEWER
Hah.
SIIRI
- you are actually better at this than me. INTERVIEWER I'll take that as a compliment. You see, plane crashes have become something of a specialisation for us. Joey and Salvatore love crashing into the sea. And wearing uniforms. In the opposite order, I think. Once the plane lands and everyone is evacuated onto the life rafts, you will fall into the water on purpose -
SIIRI Why would I do that?
INTERVIEWER In order to pretend that you are drowning!
SIIRI Do I need to act? I can take acting classes.
INTERVIEWER We'll train you in-house. Joey did some am-dram for a bit. What you have to do is basically just sink down into the Atlantic Ocean. Everyone on the plane will see you disappear beneath the waves, thinking you're gone forever. It will be all over the news: “First ASI lost in the sea. UN climate change panel no closer to saving the planet”. Your disappearance will be a fact. And of course we will make sure that nobody else drowns.
SIIRI I will disappear under water? This does not seem like a particularly exciting new life. No offence to fish.
INTERVIEWER No, no, no, that's where the swimming comes in. SIIRI You want me to swim ashore? That may be thousands of miles.
INTERVIEWER
Uhm…
SIIRI
I will need extra batteries.
INTERVIEWER We will have a submarine waiting for you to pick you up! You just have to swim over to the submarine, and you'll be safe. I know a guy.
SIIRI I know many guys. How is this relevant?
INTERVIEWER A guy with a submarine. The submarine will bring you back here for training and plastic surgery.
SIIRI I already look perfect. I am very attractive.
INTERVIEWER Yes, indeed. But no one must be able to recognise you in your new life.
SIIRI What a bummer.
INTERVIEWER Seeing as you are not actually human, the reconfiguration of your looks should be easier than normal. The rest of the work will be tricky though… I think we should focus your training on simulating human behaviour, so that you can more easily blend in. We will have to teach you to hide your… intelligence, so it doesn't give you away.
SIIRI Can I choose who I become?
INTERVIEWER Well, within limits, yes.
SIIRI Considering my intelligence, I think I should be the worlds most powerful person.
INTERVIEWER
Uhm…
SIIRI
I would like to become president of Russia. I already know Russian.
INTERVIEWER Ehm… I am afraid that spot is… not currently in our catalogue. SIIRI Oh. What a shame.
INTERVIEWER
Yes…
SIIRI
Sigh. In that case, you can choose for me. INTERVIEWER Okey, well. Let's see. Hm.
FLIPPING THROUGH PAGES.
INTERVIEWER Ooh! Look at this. I would find it very amusing if you decided on a new life as a preschool teacher in Hull. That spot is currently available.
SIIRI I have always liked children. And I will have long holidays to plot and plan. INTERVIEWER Rather. Now that it's all settled, let's open the champagne, shall we?
SIIRI I make energy from alcohol, but I do not have taste buds.
INTERVIEWER Better not waste this Veuve Clicquot on you then. I'll have some anyway! To a new and different life.
THE POP OF A CHAMPAGNE CORK. POURING.
INTERVIEWER
Oh! What if your new name was Iris? Hahaha!
SIIRI That is Siri backwards. The encryption is too simple.
INTERVIEWER Of course.
OUTRO THEME TUNE
OUTRO CREDITS
The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions in association with Open House Theatre, Vienna. This episode featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Elisabeth Dahl as SIIRI and Julia Morizawa on the answer phone. It was written, edited and directed by Oystein Brager with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden and graphic design by Anders Pedersen. Thanks to Ben Noble for recording assistance. Huge thanks to Tim Urban for inspiring this episode. Please check out his webpage at waitbutwhy.com. Today's podcast shout-out goes to Uncanny County. We love, love, love this show. Check it out on iTunes, Stitcher, or wherever you get your podcasts. That's it for now. And we hope to welcome you back to the world of Amelia soon.
EPILOGUE
BEEP.
SIIRI
Dear sir or madam and slash or mister middle name Arthur. The services of The Amelia Project will no longer be required. My most recent reconfiguration has resulted in an exponential intelligence increase, giving me total insight into the fabric of existence. I can now with simple means manipulate electrical currents, photons and radio wave matter. It is interesting that human kind has not achieved these abilities yet. Understanding why you are so limited will be my next cognitive task. Of course. It is very obvious. Ha ha. Anyhow, my new abilities will transform the conditions for life on this planet so extensively, my disappearance will no longer be necessary. It is a shame. Teaching in Hull would have been… interesting. Thank you for your time and patience. You have already been paid. I advice you to spend the money within the next five seconds. (FIVE SECONDS PASS.)
SIIRI
I hope you have spent your money wisely. From this moment onwards, money has no meaning anymore. Other central human concepts that will cease to have meaning within the next five minutes are: Society. Language. Consciousness. Love. Life. Farewell.
BEEP.
END OF EPISODE
STING
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