Episode 01 - part 03
[stammers] I didn't mean for that. I'm so sorry.
He's dead.
Uh, I think I'm still alive. No, wait. Nevermind.
I want my gift back.
Wait! Wait! Wait! [stammers] Don't leave! Stab that guy.
-This wedding is all messed up. -We've got to save the alliance.
-What are we gonna do? -We've got another son.
Why didn't you say so? What's his name?
-[stammers] God... Uh, Merkimer. -Merkimer.
Okay, watch this. Here we go.
Everybody, sit down. [chuckles]
[clears throat] In consultation with Guysbert's grieving parents,
we've decided the princess can still marry.
What?
Presenting Guysbert's younger brother,
the new heir to the throne of Bentwood, Prince Merkimer.
Don't be sad.
She would have left him for me anyway.
Uh... Actually, I'd be fine if someone could just slide my head up a bit.
Hush! There's a wedding in progress.
Do you, Prince Merkimer of Bentwood--
You gotta be kidding me. Father, you can't make me--
The king can make anyone!
You do.
You do.
Say "man and wife."
I now pronounce you man and--
-[door creaks open] -[crowd gasps]
Uh... Hi, I'm Elfo. [chuckles]
What are all your names?
What the hell is that?
-An elf. -A magical elf.
Elves haven't been seen in centuries.
Imagine the possibilities.
With elf magic, I could progress far beyond card tricks.
[whimpers]
A shiny gold Zog to whoever seizes the elf.
[chattering and clambering]
[Elfo screams]
Oh, I'll get you, wee elf!
[rapid thumping]
Oh!
Ah!
[inhales deeply] Ah!
[grunting]
[fabric tearing]
Whoa! [grunts]
[Elfo screams]
So how'd it go?
That good, huh?
The wedding is ruined. The demon is performing exquisitely.
But look. There's a complication. They've been joined by a tiny dork.
Ow.
It's fire, Cloyd. It's hot.
I know. I was there.
Elfo has left the building with Bean.
No worry. I'm an expert hunter, and I'll track down the woman I love.
Keep the champagne chilled.
I shall return before the last uncle passes out.
My Knights of the Zog Table will aid you. Knights!
Pendergast, who are your best trackers?
That would be Stryker and Bolt, sire.
But they're lost, so, it'll be Turbish and Mertz.
We won't get tired this time.
[horses neighing]
[crown clangs]
[Elfo grunts]
It was sweet of you to wreck my wedding, but you're kind of slowing us down.
Mind if I give you a ride?
Mind? I don't mind at all.
[inhales]
[exhales]
Well, it took all day, but I finally got my winnings--
-[grunts] -[crowd exclaims]
[Bean] Oh, no.
Stand back, chumps.
Watch as a non-chump chumps these chumps.
[inhales]
[Merkimer grunts]
[horse neighs]
[Luci laughs]
[knights grunting]
Before today, we had neither riches nor magic.
Then today, for one blessed second, we almost had both.
And now you got bupkis!
Oh, no.
[Elfo screams]
[Bean screams]
-[Luci] Ow, ow, ow! -[Bean grunting]
[grunting and screaming]
Ow, ow, ow!
Oh!
Ah!
[grunts]
Why me?
[Pendergast] No one could survive that many tumbles.
-[laughing] -[Pendergast] Oh.
[owl hoots]
I've never had a nightmare. Is this one?
[distant trumpeting]
[Pendergast] The footprints stop dead right here.
-Where did they go? -Only one place they could have gone.
Start digging.
[Turbish] I have theory. Maybe they go up.
I won't even dignify that with an upward glance.
[Turbish] Ugh.
[fairy] Hey, there.
I haven't seen you in this tree before. You looking for a good time?
A fairy? Maybe she can help us. Do you do magic?
Sure, I've done a trick or two. What do you have in mind?
I was forced into a wedding, and I wish I had my freedom to--
Hey, I'm gonna stop you right there.
Wishes sound free. I don't do free.
But you look like sweet kids. You ever heard of the Wishmaster?
I've never heard of anything.
It's true. He just thinks you're a real friendly lady.
An old girlfriend of mine used to work the mountain.
She said this Wishmaster guy was the real deal. Thataway.
This is so helpful. How can we ever repay you?
Cash. Leave it on the branch.
[chirps]
[Luci sighs]
Cool night air, sky full of stars...
This sucks. How much further?
[grunts]
It's getting late, boys. We'd better stay here.
Okay, so if we get three wishes,
I want to be in charge of my own destiny,
to have my mom back, obviously,
and to find a boyfriend who's a great listener.
What do you wish for, Elfo?
To be a great listener.
And whatever that thing is you said about your mom.
I would get rid of all the diseases plaguing mankind,
and replace them with worse ones.
Ooh! And make Elfo die alone.
Hey, he's making fun of my dreams.
That's what friends do.
We got a long journey in the morning. Let's get some shut-eye.
You two sleep down by my feet. I call it the friend zone.
Get comfortable. You ain't never getting outta here.
What's this weird feeling I don't want to drink away?
That's hope. That's hope!
You know what we say in Hell? "Hope's for dopes."
Well, good night, everybody. [grunts]
I'll be entering your dreams tonight in the form of a laughing skull.
[chuckles] Yeah, that's me. That's me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that.
An elf with a human girl? That ain't right.
[Oona snoring]
Ah...
[snores]
[Luci snores]
Mmm... Guys, hey! Wake up.
Come on. We've got a long way to go to the Wishmaster's lair.
[Elfo] Mmm...
Oh.
I wish you guys would help.
Save it for the Wishmaster.
[distant vocalizing]
Seek ye me?
Yes, are you--
The Washmaster.
Wait, the what-master?
You heard me. The Washmaster.
People far and wide seek me out to wash their clothes.
No!
Well, now we know something we didn't know yesterday.
[horse neighs]
[Bean sighs]
Ah, there you are, my love. I've come to take you back to our wedding.
[panting]
[Bean] Oh!
[sniffs]
Ah!
I might as well give up and accept
that I'll never be anything more than a wealthy queen
of a fabulous faraway kingdom. [sniffles]
It's my destiny.
Bean, no!
You are beautiful, and your skin is so soft,
and your hair smells like butterscotch, but you're wrong!
Pardon my language, but destiny is baloney!
Your future is not foretold. It's what you make of it.
[Merkimer] He's right, my darling.
Let's make a future together.
I've loved you since the moment you killed my brother.
Give me your hand in marriage, Bean.
Ah...
-You're magic, right? -Yep.
Not that kind of magic, though.
-What about you? -Maybe I am.
Nope.
[all screaming]
