Episode 04 - part 03
[both moaning]
Ugh, great, everyone up here is doing diplomacy, too.
Ugh, you're still up? Uh, where's Bean? I thought you were supposed to be chaperoning her.
What?
What's wrong with you? Why would you think that?
What?
She's unchaperoned? Oh, hi, Bean. I'm not interrupting, am I? Mind if I sit on the bed?
What are you doing?
You allow your chimp on the bed?
Elf, actually. Common mistake.
Can you pass me a pillow?
My back hurts when my body's filled with rage. Oh, it's not healthy to store that. Would you like to lie down?
Elfo, get out of my room.
This is your room? You are the princess?
Elfo, I'm gonna kill you. Um, you can't kill me. Her dad needs me for the Elixir of Life. It's kind of like insurance. The Elixir of Life?
Your snowy hair and stormy breath remind me of my homeland.
You've been a comfort, but my priorities have changed. Sven, wait.
What is your problem, man?
This weekend was my one chance at freedom and you ruined it, just like my dad.
You are just a little, green Zog.
No, wait! I was just trying to control you.
Oh.
Well, it's not like your dad is entirely... Oh. Well, at least he... Oh.
Uh... Oh.
I'm sorry. I was too aggressive.
I'll go back to being passive aggressive, 'cause it worked so well. Too late. Tonight's turned into a carriage wreck. I just want to send people home and curl up with my favorite book.
The hollowed-out one with the booze inside?
Yeah. I can't put it down. Party's over. Everyone out. Come on, guys. Look alive.
-[Elfo] I don't think they can anymore. -[Sven] Ah?
Seize them.
[Bean and Elfo grunt]
[Luci grunts]
[all grunting]
[all grunt]
I claim this castle in the name of Land Vikings!
-I am land king now! -[Vikings cheering]
This is why you gotta make people RSVP.
[steam hissing]
I wouldn't say I was locked up in a lunatic asylum because I was crazy. Something in my voice makes people real mad. [sighs]
But, hey, I escaped and ended up here,
and who knows what I'm gonna do to you now. [chuckles]
Yeah. [chuckles]
[straining]
[yelling indistinctly]
-What the hell? -[Chazz] You're cured. Congratulations, Your Highness.
Not thinking about your tummy troubles now, are you?
You tortured me for 24 straight hours.
That's what cures it. Well, that or the passage of time. We're not really sure. I've had it with you and your successful methods. I'm gettin' out while I still have my dignity. I don't get why you'd want to take over this shoddy kingdom anyway. We're broke. This castle's not even made of real stone. It's particle stone. Vikings don't care about riches. We want immortality, that our names might live on for a hundred years.
We must have the Elixir of Life.
Hear ye, hear ye! The return of King Zog is imminent.
Please do not shoot the messenger any more.
Oh, God, my dad's gonna kill us, and then the Vikings are gonna kill my dad. Hey, at least Elfo's sad. Look at his lip quiver.
[sighs] There's only one thing left to do. I'm switching teams. Called it. Knew it by the pants.
I'm joining forces with our savage conqueror. What?
Your Majesty.
Ah, now we're talking. We shall rule together as tyrant and tyrantina.
[whimpers]
If this is what you want, Bean, I won't stand in your way. I wish you all the gumdrops in the rainbow.
Thanks, Elfo. And when those gumdrops get stuck in our throats,
as they inevitably will,
we shall wash them down with the Elixir of Life, which we totally have.
[gasps] Oh.
This shoddy kingdom is ours forever.
Eternity shall remember the names of Sven and, uh...
-Bean. -Really?
Behold, guys, the Elixir of Life.
[Sven] Why are there so many dead things floating in the Elixir of Life?
-A little bug never hurt anyone. -What about that squirrel?
Oh, that's my pet Bloaty. Wait a minute. You named your pet squirrel Bloaty before he died and got all bloated?
And your name is Sven and you're a Viking, so we're all a little obvious here, aren't we? Come on, drink up.
[Vikings muttering indistinctly]
Hold on. I didn't become regional manager of the Land Vikings by drinking any old liquid.
How do I know this is not a trick?
'Cause I told you? Showed you. I have to show you.
Well, here's to seeing the sun rise another day. Oh, oh. [gagging]
See? It's totally fine. Are you turning green? Or were you already green?
[grunts] When I'm immortal, I'll have plenty of time to consider things. [exhales]
Huh. I wasn't expecting to chew. [stomachs rumbling]
Right this way, gentlemen.
Luci, pull the lever.
[Vikings yelling]
Bean!
Bean!
Grab my hand! As your future husband, I command it.
Oh, you shouldn't have said that. Here's a hammer. [Sven] Please, don't hammer my fingers. Look at you. You're just a coward like every other guy except that one over there, with his head in a bucket.
[yelling] This is why you're still single! Wow! I can't believe you just sent so many people to their death. Death? No, they'll just all fall into the ocean. [Vikings thud]
Oh.
I guess it was low tide.
Hey, Elfo, I just want to say that what you did really means a lot to me.
I won't forget it. Can you hear me?
Hey, can you hear me?
Can you maybe save this for later, when I can appreciate it?
"And they looked into each other's eyes, and the question arose. Will they or won't they... notice that King Zog's carriage has arrived in the courtyard right now?" Oh, God, I've never cleaned before. You don't have to tell me what happened up here if I don't have to tell you what happened down there. Deal. Just help me clean.
Elfo, you scrub the blood off the walls, and I'll sweep up the crushed pretzels. [Luci] Hey, uh, what do I do with this leg?
Stuff it up the chimney with these torsos.
[groans] Castle looks pretty good. Main entrance nice and clean.
Portcullis properly lowered to defensive position.
Walking up stairs now. Landing neat and tidy.
Second set of stairs, also fine.
Now approaching the throne room, not expecting any surprises.
Blood pressure steady as I enter and...
Oh.
It's totally clean and there are people here to greet me. How nice.
Welcome back to your castle, Father, where nothing unusual occurred.
Certainly no religious sex magic rituals.
Glad to hear it.
Now I would like to sit on my throne and rule my kingdom,
which most certainly was not overthrown by barbarians.
Dad, why are you talking like that?
Sorry, I had a stroke on the way home.
[crowing]
Hey, at least you get to watch the sunrise with a girl. Sorry it's just me. Well, maybe someday you'll get your wish, too. I have wishes, too.
But you wouldn't know that because you never asked. Rude.
I also had a dream where all my teeth fell out.
That's weird, right? [chuckles]
Man, dreams.
Maybe reality is the dream and dreams are reality.
You ever think about that?
[chuckles] I'm pretty high. [groans]
You know, I think a fire would be nice, yeah.
Okay. Picking up the poker. Opening the flue, and...
Bean!
