Episode 05 - part 02
This is the thumb screw. Whoa-ho!
This is the rack. Whoa!
And this is the iron maiden, and this is the book of golf jokes.
"My wife says I play too much golf so I decided to make a change. I got a new wife." [moans]
"After seeing my golf score, my caddy gave me one great piece of advice. Take up tennis." No! I beg you!
Since this is your first day, we'll keep it simple. Torture this guy a little then get him his last meal.
Oof. Um, this looks... Yikes.
You know, I'm hungry. Are you hungry? Let's do the meal part first. -I could eat. -Great. What are we having?
It's your last meal. Choice is yours.
Ooh. Uh, stew.
Hmm. No, I had stew yesterday.
-Okay, uh, chicken. -Fried or roasted?
I was thinking roasted.
Um...
-[stammers] All right, fried? -I... [sighs]
-Well, what do you want? -Oh, I don't care. It's your last meal. Fine, fine. Steak. I want steak for my last meal. Okay?
-All right. I could do steak. -[sighs in relief]
Actually, I'm sorry. That's just so heavy, you know? You know what? Maybe stew. Stew?
[screaming]
-Wow. You're a natural. -Really?
-Oh, yeah. -Don't leave me alone with her! I guess I am.
[cackling]
[yelps]
I've captured the witch who abducted those people in the woods, way back to the Hansel and Gretel cold case.
Good work bringing her in alive and unharmed.
We'll chop her head off this afternoon. [cackling]
Everybody have fun at work today. Alfred, don't suck on your pickax. Mining makes me nervous.
[exhales] Now it's just me and the wee ones. So I'm thinking a little light powdering and then maybe nap time? Oh, I've got something special for you. You do? Aw, that's so nice... What the hell? Let's not overdo the baby thing, now. [slurps] This is made of wood!
[in baby voice] Baby doesn't like playtime? Wisten, wady... [groans] I mean, listen, lady.
It was okay when I was taking things a little too far.
Aw, baby's cranky. Baby does need a nap.
[lid slams, locks click]
This is no kinda place for a grown-ass elf.
So I gotta know,
is that whole flying broom thing just an old wives' tale? Like how people expect me to kiss frogs and talk to birds? [yelps]
[cackles]
Okay, or you're just a crazy old witch. But maybe that isn't what you wanted to be. Plus, there can't be that many opportunities for older women who like to cackle. Is that it?
[cackling]
[sighs] Are you crazy or under a curse?
[cackling]
Maybe both.
-[bones crack] -Oh! Me back!
Oh, nothing a few days on the rack won't cure. Oh, that's the stuff. [inhales sharply] Oh, yes!
[inhales sharply and moans]
Guess I won't be chopping off any heads today. Looks like you got a reprieve.
[Stan] No, looks like you got a promotion. You're the executioner today. Oh, wee one, there's no escape from the fun cage. -[Elfo grunts] -Come back, Baby Elfo!
I'm not a baby. I'm a toddler. [Bunty] Baby Elfo!
Blood ponchos! Get your blood ponchos!
Can't stand in the splash zone without a blood poncho! This is all happening so quick. I'm really nervous. What do I do?
For starters, you should have put on the black hood before coming out.
Now everyone knows who you are.
[chuckles] Rookie mistake. Oh, dear.
[sighs]
I'm not sure I can do this. I've never killed anyone before. -[clears throat] -Who wasn't trying to kill me first. Or bother me. Or marry me.
Bean, you're a natural. And I've seen you torture. Just think of this as torture, but with a big, splattery finish.
Now get out there and let's see some gore. I'll be right here with you, okay? If you get nervous, just look into my eye.
[screaming]
[laughing]
[gasps]
My little girl. All grown up and choppin' heads. And all it took was some loving banishment.
[babies crying]
[panting] No, not the woods. People go in there and never come back.
Remember, run between the trees!
[exhales] I'm just gonna lie down. [herald] And that concludes the warm-up entertainment.
Let's hear it for Gary the Grabass. [crowd applauding halfheartedly]
And now, the main event.
Please put your hands together in prayer
for the people-snatching witch!
[crowd hooting and cheering]
[clears throat] Hello? Everybody?
-[man 1] Cut off her head! -[woman] Come on, kill her!
[man 2] What's the holdup? This is a goddamn solemn occasion, so shut the hell up, all right?
[Luci] Take off your shirt!
You guys, have some compassion and respect here.
This poor woman is nervous. She's shaking, she's sweating. This is the first time she's ever been killed. Give her a break, okay?
She's talking about herself. I'm sorry, I guess I have to chop your head off now. Do you have any last words?
You could apologize. Maybe then the king would pardon you.
Don't bother. I can't hear nothin'. Come on, this is it.
At least give us something to remember you by.
As long as it's not-- [cackling]
What is wrong with you?
It's like you want me to chop your head off. Help a sister out.
Stay sharp, son. It might go foul.
You can do it, Bean. Just use the force. Centrifugal force.
Hey, choppa, choppa. Swing, choppa.
That's my little girl, everyone. Murdering that hag.
Daddy, why is she going so slow?
I'm watching the same execution as you, son. I don't know. I can't. [crowd] Aw!
This is the worst field trip ever.
I misspoke, Bean. You know how I said you were a failure and a quitter?
I forgot one more thing. You're also a loser. Make way for the loser.
Coming through. Here she is.
Failure slash quitter slash loser. The triple-threat.
[laughs] There she goes.
Every time that girl gets a little responsibility,
somebody winds up alive.
Well, that's it, I guess. There's no place for me in Dreamland. I've hit the bottom of the barrel. [sighs]
Move along! You're bad for business. Maybe I'm just not cut out for the high-pressure lifestyle of the big city. It's not for everybody. Me-flavored water, 15 cents.
Come taste my knees, 15 cents.
