TED Talks, Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability

So, I'll start with this: a couple years ago, an event planner called me because I was going to do a speaking event. And she called, and she said, "I'm really struggling with how to write about you on the little flier." And I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?" And she said, "Well, I saw you speak, and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think, but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come, because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant." (Laughter) And I was like, "Okay." And she said, "But the thing I liked about your talk is you're a storyteller. So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller." And of course, the academic, insecure part of me was like, "You're going to call me a what?" And she said, "I'm going to call you a storyteller." And I was like, "Why not magic pixie?" (Laughter) I was like, "Let me think about this for a second." I tried to call deep on my courage. And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller. I'm a qualitative researcher. I collect stories; that's what I do. And maybe stories are just data with a soul. And maybe I'm just a storyteller. And so I said, "You know what? Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller." And she went, "Haha. There's no such thing." (Laughter) So I'm a researcher-storyteller, and I'm going to talk to you today -- we're talking about expanding perception -- and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories about a piece of my research that fundamentally expanded my perception and really actually changed the way that I live and love and work and parent. And this is where my story starts. When I was a young researcher, doctoral student, my first year I had a research professor who said to us, "Here's the thing, if you cannot measure it, it does not exist." And I thought he was just sweet-talking me. I was like, "Really?" and he was like, "Absolutely." And so you have to understand that I have a bachelor's in social work, a master's in social work, and I was getting my Ph.D. in social work, so my entire academic career was surrounded by people who kind of believed in the "life's messy, love it." And I'm more of the, "life's messy, clean it up, organize it and put it into a bento box." (Laughter) And so to think that I had found my way, to found a career that takes me -- really, one of the big sayings in social work is, "Lean into the discomfort of the work." And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head and move it over and get all A's. That was my mantra. So I was very excited about this. And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me, because I am interested in some messy topics. But I want to be able to make them not messy. I want to understand them. I want to hack into these things I know are important and lay the code out for everyone to see.

So where I started was with connection. Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years, what you realize is that connection is why we're here. It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. This is what it's all about. It doesn't matter whether you talk to people who work in social justice and mental health and abuse and neglect, what we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected, is -- neurobiologically that's how we're wired -- it's why we're here. So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection. Well, you know that situation where you get an evaluation from your boss, and she tells you 37 things you do really awesome, and one thing -- an "opportunity for growth?" (Laughter) And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right? Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well, because, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak. When you ask people about belonging, they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded. And when you ask people about connection, the stories they told me were about disconnection.

So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research -- I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen. And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is. And it turned out to be shame. And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection? The things I can tell you about it: it's universal; we all have it. The only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection. No one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it the more you have it. What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not good enough," -- which we all know that feeling: "I'm not blank enough. I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough." The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability, this idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.

And you know how I feel about vulnerability. I hate vulnerability. And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick. I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out, I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame, I'm going to understand how vulnerability works, and I'm going to outsmart it. So I was ready, and I was really excited. As you know, it's not going to turn out well. (Laughter) You know this. So, I could tell you a lot about shame, but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time. But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to -- and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned in the decade of doing this research. My one year turned into six years: thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups. At one point, people were sending me journal pages and sending me their stories -- thousands of pieces of data in six years. And I kind of got a handle on it.

I kind of understood, this is what shame is, this is how it works. I wrote a book, I published a theory, but something was not okay -- and what it was is that, if I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness -- that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness -- they have a strong sense of love and belonging -- and folks who struggle for it, and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough. There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. That's it. They believe they're worthy. And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we're not worthy of connection, was something that, personally and professionally, I felt like I needed to understand better. So what I did is I took all of the interviews where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way, and just looked at those.

What do these people have in common? I have a slight office supply addiction, but that's another talk. So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie, and I was like, what am I going to call this research? And the first words that came to my mind were whole-hearted. These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness. So I wrote at the top of the manila folder, and I started looking at the data. In fact, I did it first in a four-day very intensive data analysis, where I went back, pulled these interviews, pulled the stories, pulled the incidents. What's the theme? What's the pattern? My husband left town with the kids because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing, where I'm just like writing and in my researcher mode. And so here's what I found. What they had in common was a sense of courage. And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute. Courage, the original definition of courage, when it first came into the English language -- it's from the Latin word cor, meaning heart -- and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly. And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part -- as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection.

The other thing that they had in common was this: They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first, the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. They thought this was fundamental.

I personally thought it was betrayal. I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research, where our job -- you know, the definition of research is to control and predict, to study phenomena, for the explicit reason to control and predict. And now my mission to control and predict had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability and to stop controlling and predicting. This led to a little breakdown -- (Laughter) -- which actually looked more like this. (Laughter) And it did. I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening. A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown, but I assure you it was a breakdown. And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist. Let me tell you something: you know who you are when you call your friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody. Do you have any recommendations?" Because about five of my friends were like, "Wooo. I wouldn't want to be your therapist." (Laughter) I was like, "What does that mean?" And they're like, "I'm just saying, you know. Don't bring your measuring stick." I was like, "Okay. " So I found a therapist. My first meeting with her, Diana -- I brought in my list of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down. And she said, "How are you?" And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay." She said, "What's going on?" And this is a therapist who sees therapists, because we have to go to those, because their B.S. meters are good. (Laughter) And so I said, "Here's the thing, I'm struggling." And she said, "What's the struggle?" And I said, "Well, I have a vulnerability issue. And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. And I think I have a problem, and I need some help." And I said, "But here's the thing: no family stuff, no childhood shit." (Laughter) "I just need some strategies." (Laughter) (Applause) Thank you. So she goes like this. (Laughter) And then I said, "It's bad, right?" And she said, "It's neither good nor bad." (Laughter) "It just is what it is." And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck. " (Laughter)

And it did, and it didn't. And it took about a year. And you know how there are people that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important, that they surrender and walk into it. A: that's not me, and B: I don't even hang out with people like that. (Laughter) For me, it was a yearlong street fight. It was a slugfest. Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back. I lost the fight, but probably won my life back.

And so then I went back into the research and spent the next couple of years really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted, what choices they were making, and what are we doing with vulnerability. Why do we struggle with it so much? Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability? No. So this is what I learned. We numb vulnerability -- when we're waiting for the call. It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook that says, "How would you define vulnerability? What makes you feel vulnerable?" And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses. Because I wanted to know what's out there. Having to ask my husband for help because I'm sick, and we're newly married; initiating sex with my husband; initiating sex with my wife; being turned down; asking someone out; waiting for the doctor to call back; getting laid off; laying off people -- this is the world we live in. We live in a vulnerable world. And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability.

And I think there's evidence -- and it's not the only reason this evidence exists, but I think it's a huge cause -- we are the most in-debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. history. The problem is -- and I learned this from the research -- that you cannot selectively numb emotion. You can't say, here's the bad stuff. Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment. I don't want to feel these. I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. (Laughter) I don't want to feel these. And I know that's knowing laughter. I hack into your lives for a living. God. (Laughter) You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. And then we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

One of the things that I think we need to think about is why and how we numb. And it doesn't just have to be addiction. The other thing we do is we make everything that's uncertain certain. Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty. I'm right, you're wrong. Shut up. That's it. Just certain. The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are. This is what politics looks like today. There's no discourse anymore. There's no conversation. There's just blame. You know how blame is described in the research? A way to discharge pain and discomfort. We perfect. If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me, but it doesn't work. Because what we do is we take fat from our butts and put it in our cheeks. (Laughter) Which just, I hope in 100 years, people will look back and go, "Wow. " (Laughter)

And we perfect, most dangerously, our children. Let me tell you what we think about children. They're hardwired for struggle when they get here. And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand, our job is not to say, "Look at her, she's perfect. My job is just to keep her perfect -- make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh grade." That's not our job. Our job is to look and say, "You know what? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging." That's our job. Show me a generation of kids raised like that, and we'll end the problems I think that we see today. We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people. We do that in our personal lives. We do that corporate -- whether it's a bailout, an oil spill, a recall -- we pretend like what we're doing doesn't have a huge impact on other people. I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people. We just need you to be authentic and real and say, "We're sorry. We'll fix it. " But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this. This is what I have found: to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Can I believe in this this passionately? Can I be this fierce about this?" just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough," then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves. That's all I have. Thank you.

(Applause)

Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability ブレネー・ブラウン脆弱性の力 Brené Brown: O poder da vulnerabilidade Брене Браун: Сила уязвимости

So, I'll start with this: a couple years ago, an event planner called me because I was going to do a speaking event. Also fange ich damit an: Vor ein paar Jahren rief mich ein Veranstaltungsplaner an, weil ich eine Rede machen wollte. だから、これから始めましょう。数年前、スピーキングイベントをやろうとしていたので、イベントプランナーから電話がありました。 Então, vou começar com isso: alguns anos atrás, um planejador de eventos me ligou porque eu ia fazer um evento de palestras. And she called, and she said, "I'm really struggling with how to write about you on the little flier." Und sie rief an und sagte: "Ich habe wirklich Probleme damit, auf dem kleinen Flieger über dich zu schreiben." そして彼女は電話をかけ、「私はあなたを小さなチラシで書く方法に本当に苦労しています」と言った。 E ela ligou e disse: "Estou realmente lutando para escrever sobre você no panfleto". And I thought, "Well, what's the struggle?" Und ich dachte: "Nun, was ist der Kampf?" そして、「まあ、闘争ってなに？」 E pensei: "Bem, qual é a luta?" And she said, "Well, I saw you speak, and I'm going to call you a researcher, I think, but I'm afraid if I call you a researcher, no one will come, because they'll think you're boring and irrelevant." Und sie sagte: "Nun, ich habe dich sprechen sehen, und ich werde dich einen Forscher nennen, denke ich, aber ich fürchte, wenn ich dich einen Forscher nenne, wird niemand kommen, weil sie dich denken werden." langweilig und irrelevant. " そして、彼女は言った、「まあ、あなたが話すのを見た、そして私はあなたを研究者と呼ぶつもりだと思うが、私があなたを研究者と呼んでも、誰も来ないだろう。退屈で無関係です。」 E ela disse: "Bem, eu vi você falar e acho que vou chamá-lo de pesquisador, mas tenho medo de chamá-lo de pesquisador, mas ninguém vai aparecer, porque eles acham que você ' chato e irrelevante. " И она сказала: «Ну, я видела, как ты говорил, и я думаю, что назову тебя исследователем, но боюсь, если я назову тебя исследователем, никто не придет, потому что они будут думать, что ты» скучно и неуместно ". (Laughter) And I was like, "Okay." (Gelächter) Und ich sagte: "Okay." （笑い）そして、私は「大丈夫」のようでした。 (Risos) E eu fiquei tipo "Ok". And she said, "But the thing I liked about your talk is you're a storyteller. Und sie sagte: "Aber das, was mir an Ihrem Vortrag gefallen hat, ist, dass Sie ein Geschichtenerzähler sind. そして彼女は言った、「でもあなたの話について私が気に入ったのはあなたが語り手だということです。 So I think what I'll do is just call you a storyteller." Also denke ich, ich werde dich einfach einen Geschichtenerzähler nennen. " だから私はあなたを語り手と呼ぶだけだと思います。」 And of course, the academic, insecure part of me was like, "You're going to call me a what?" Und natürlich sagte der akademische, unsichere Teil von mir: "Du wirst mich ein was nennen?" そしてもちろん、私の学問的で不安な部分は、「あなたは私を何と呼んでくれるのですか？」 And she said, "I'm going to call you a storyteller." And I was like, "Why not magic pixie?" Und ich sagte: "Warum nicht Magic Pixie?" そして、「魔法のピクシーじゃないの？」 E eu fiquei tipo, "Por que não duende mágico?" (Laughter) I was like, "Let me think about this for a second." (Gelächter) Ich sagte: "Lass mich eine Sekunde darüber nachdenken." I tried to call deep on my courage. Ich versuchte meinen Mut zu fassen. 私は私の勇気を深く呼びかけようとしました。 Eu tentei chamar profundamente minha coragem. And I thought, you know, I am a storyteller. Und ich dachte, weißt du, ich bin ein Geschichtenerzähler. 私はストーリーテラーだと思っていました。 I'm a qualitative researcher. Ich bin ein qualitativer Forscher. 私は質的研究者です。 I collect stories; that's what I do. 私は物語を集めます。それが私がすることです。 And maybe stories are just data with a soul. Und vielleicht sind Geschichten nur Daten mit einer Seele. And maybe I'm just a storyteller. Und vielleicht bin ich nur ein Geschichtenerzähler. And so I said, "You know what? Und so sagte ich: "Weißt du was? それで私は言いました Why don't you just say I'm a researcher-storyteller." Warum sagst du nicht einfach, ich bin ein Forscher-Geschichtenerzähler? " And she went, "Haha. Und sie ging: "Haha. There's no such thing." Das gibt es nicht." (Laughter) So I'm a researcher-storyteller, and I'm going to talk to you today -- we're talking about expanding perception -- and so I want to talk to you and tell some stories about a piece of my research that fundamentally expanded my perception and really actually changed the way that I live and love and work and parent. (Gelächter) Ich bin also ein Forscher-Geschichtenerzähler, und ich werde heute mit Ihnen sprechen - wir sprechen über die Erweiterung der Wahrnehmung - und deshalb möchte ich mit Ihnen sprechen und einige Geschichten über ein Stück von mir erzählen Forschung, die meine Wahrnehmung grundlegend erweitert und die Art und Weise, wie ich lebe, liebe, arbeite und Eltern bin, wirklich verändert hat. （笑い）だから私は研究者であり、今日あなたと話をします-私たちは知覚の拡大について話しているので、あなたと話をして私の一部についての話をしたいと思います私の認識を根本的に拡大し、実際に私が生き、愛し、働き、親になる方法を実際に変えた研究。 (Risos) Então, eu sou um pesquisador-contador de histórias, e vou falar com você hoje - estamos falando sobre expandir a percepção - e por isso quero falar com você e contar algumas histórias sobre um pedaço do meu pesquisas que expandiram fundamentalmente minha percepção e realmente mudaram a maneira como vivo, amo, trabalho e pais. And this is where my story starts. When I was a young researcher, doctoral student, my first year I had a research professor who said to us, "Here's the thing, if you cannot measure it, it does not exist." Als ich ein junger Forscher, Doktorand, war, hatte ich in meinem ersten Jahr einen Forschungsprofessor, der zu uns sagte: "Hier ist die Sache, wenn Sie es nicht messen können, existiert sie nicht." Quando eu era jovem pesquisador, doutorando, no meu primeiro ano, tive um professor de pesquisa que nos disse: "Aqui está a coisa, se você não pode medir, ela não existe". And I thought he was just sweet-talking me. Und ich dachte, er redete nur süß mit mir. I was like, "Really?" Ich sagte: "Wirklich?" and he was like, "Absolutely." und er sagte: "Absolut." And so you have to understand that I have a bachelor's in social work, a master's in social work, and I was getting my Ph.D. Und so muss man verstehen, dass ich einen Bachelor in Sozialarbeit, einen Master in Sozialarbeit und einen Doktortitel habe. E então você tem que entender que eu sou bacharel em serviço social, mestre em serviço social, e estava obtendo meu doutorado. in social work, so my entire academic career was surrounded by people who kind of believed in the "life's messy, love it." In der Sozialarbeit war meine gesamte akademische Karriere von Menschen umgeben, die an das "chaotische Leben, liebe es" glaubten. And I'm more of the, "life's messy, clean it up, organize it and put it into a bento box." Und ich bin eher der Meinung: "Das Leben ist chaotisch, räum es auf, organisiere es und packe es in eine Bento-Box." (Laughter) And so to think that I had found my way, to found a career that takes me -- really, one of the big sayings in social work is, "Lean into the discomfort of the work." (Gelächter) Und so zu denken, dass ich meinen Weg gefunden habe, um eine Karriere zu finden, die mich führt - wirklich ist eines der großen Sprüche in der Sozialarbeit: "Lehn dich in das Unbehagen der Arbeit hinein." (Risos) E então, pensar que eu tinha encontrado o meu caminho, fundar uma carreira que me leva - realmente, uma das grandes palavras do trabalho social é: "Incline-se para o desconforto do trabalho". And I'm like, knock discomfort upside the head and move it over and get all A's. Und ich bin wie, klopfen Sie Unbehagen auf den Kopf und bewegen Sie es über und bekommen Sie alle A's. И я типа, выбейте дискомфорт вверх по голове, переместите его и получу все пятерки. That was my mantra. So I was very excited about this. Ich war sehr aufgeregt darüber. And so I thought, you know what, this is the career for me, because I am interested in some messy topics. Und so dachte ich, weißt du was, das ist die Karriere für mich, weil ich an einigen chaotischen Themen interessiert bin. But I want to be able to make them not messy. Aber ich möchte sie nicht unordentlich machen können. I want to understand them. Ich möchte sie verstehen. I want to hack into these things I know are important and lay the code out for everyone to see. Ich möchte mich in diese Dinge einhacken, von denen ich weiß, dass sie wichtig sind, und den Code so gestalten, dass jeder ihn sehen kann.

So where I started was with connection. Also wo ich angefangen habe war mit Verbindung. Because, by the time you're a social worker for 10 years, what you realize is that connection is why we're here. Denn wenn Sie 10 Jahre lang Sozialarbeiter sind, stellen Sie fest, dass diese Verbindung der Grund ist, warum wir hier sind. It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. É o que dá propósito e significado às nossas vidas. This is what it's all about. Das ist, worum es geht. It doesn't matter whether you talk to people who work in social justice and mental health and abuse and neglect, what we know is that connection, the ability to feel connected, is -- neurobiologically that's how we're wired -- it's why we're here. Es spielt keine Rolle, ob Sie mit Menschen sprechen, die sich für soziale Gerechtigkeit, psychische Gesundheit, Missbrauch und Vernachlässigung einsetzen. Wir wissen, dass diese Verbindung, die Fähigkeit, sich verbunden zu fühlen, - neurobiologisch gesehen so verdrahtet - der Grund dafür ist waren hier. So I thought, you know what, I'm going to start with connection. Also dachte ich, weißt du was? Ich werde mit der Verbindung beginnen. Well, you know that situation where you get an evaluation from your boss, and she tells you 37 things you do really awesome, and one thing -- an "opportunity for growth?" Nun, Sie kennen die Situation, in der Sie eine Bewertung von Ihrem Chef erhalten, und sie erzählt Ihnen 37 Dinge, die Sie wirklich großartig machen, und eine Sache - eine "Chance für Wachstum"? (Laughter) And all you can think about is that opportunity for growth, right? (Gelächter) Und alles, woran Sie denken können, ist diese Chance für Wachstum, richtig? Well, apparently this is the way my work went as well, because, when you ask people about love, they tell you about heartbreak. Nun, anscheinend lief meine Arbeit auch so, denn wenn man Leute nach Liebe fragt, erzählt man ihnen von Herzschmerz. When you ask people about belonging, they'll tell you their most excruciating experiences of being excluded. Wenn Sie Leute nach ihrer Zugehörigkeit fragen, erzählen sie Ihnen ihre qualvollsten Erfahrungen mit dem Ausschluss. And when you ask people about connection, the stories they told me were about disconnection.

So very quickly -- really about six weeks into this research -- I ran into this unnamed thing that absolutely unraveled connection in a way that I didn't understand or had never seen. So schnell - wirklich ungefähr sechs Wochen nach dieser Recherche - stieß ich auf dieses unbenannte Ding, das die Verbindung auf eine Weise auflöste, die ich nicht verstand oder nie gesehen hatte. Очень быстро - примерно через шесть недель после этого исследования - я наткнулся на эту безымянную вещь, которая полностью разорвала связь таким образом, которого я не понимал или никогда не видел. And so I pulled back out of the research and thought, I need to figure out what this is. Und so zog ich mich aus der Forschung zurück und dachte, ich muss herausfinden, was das ist. And it turned out to be shame. Und es stellte sich als Schande heraus. E acabou por ser uma vergonha. And shame is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection: Is there something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection? Und Scham ist wirklich leicht als Angst vor Trennung zu verstehen: Gibt es etwas an mir, das, wenn andere es wissen oder sehen, dass ich es nicht wert bin, verbunden zu werden? E vergonha é realmente facilmente entendida como o medo da desconexão: há algo em mim que, se outras pessoas a conhecerem ou a virem, que eu não serei digno de conexão? The things I can tell you about it: it's universal; we all have it. Die Dinge, die ich Ihnen darüber erzählen kann: Es ist universell; wir alle haben es. The only people who don't experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection. Die einzigen Menschen, die keine Scham erleben, haben keine Fähigkeit zu menschlichem Einfühlungsvermögen oder menschlicher Verbindung. No one wants to talk about it, and the less you talk about it the more you have it. Niemand möchte darüber sprechen, und je weniger Sie darüber sprechen, desto mehr haben Sie es. What underpinned this shame, this "I'm not good enough," -- which we all know that feeling: "I'm not blank enough. Was diese Schande untermauerte, dieses "Ich bin nicht gut genug" - was wir alle dieses Gefühl kennen: "Ich bin nicht leer genug. I'm not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough." Ich bin nicht dünn genug, reich genug, schön genug, klug genug, befördert genug. " Não sou magra o suficiente, rica o suficiente, bonita o suficiente, inteligente o suficiente, promovida o suficiente. " The thing that underpinned this was excruciating vulnerability, this idea of, in order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen. Die Sache, die dies untermauerte, war eine qualvolle Verwundbarkeit, diese Idee, dass wir uns sehen lassen müssen, um wirklich gesehen zu werden, damit eine Verbindung zustande kommt. O que sustentou isso foi a vulnerabilidade excruciante, essa ideia de, para que a conexão aconteça, temos que nos permitir ser vistos, realmente vistos. В основе этого лежала мучительная уязвимость, идея о том, что для установления связи мы должны позволить увидеть себя, действительно увидеть.

And you know how I feel about vulnerability. Und Sie wissen, wie ich mich in Bezug auf Verwundbarkeit fühle. I hate vulnerability. And so I thought, this is my chance to beat it back with my measuring stick. Und so dachte ich, das ist meine Chance, es mit meinem Messstab zurückzuschlagen. E então eu pensei, esta é minha chance de bater de volta com meu medidor. И я подумал, что это мой шанс отбить его своей мерной палкой. I'm going in, I'm going to figure this stuff out, I'm going to spend a year, I'm going to totally deconstruct shame, I'm going to understand how vulnerability works, and I'm going to outsmart it. Ich gehe hinein, ich werde dieses Zeug herausfinden, ich werde ein Jahr verbringen, ich werde Scham total dekonstruieren, ich werde verstehen, wie Verwundbarkeit funktioniert, und ich werde es tun überlisten Sie es. So I was ready, and I was really excited. Also war ich bereit und sehr aufgeregt. As you know, it's not going to turn out well. Wie Sie wissen, wird es nicht gut ausgehen. Como você sabe, não vai dar certo. (Laughter) You know this. So, I could tell you a lot about shame, but I'd have to borrow everyone else's time. Ich könnte Ihnen also viel über Scham erzählen, aber ich müsste mir die Zeit aller anderen ausleihen. Então, eu poderia contar muito sobre a vergonha, mas teria que emprestar o tempo de todos os outros. But here's what I can tell you that it boils down to -- and this may be one of the most important things that I've ever learned in the decade of doing this research. Aber hier ist, was ich Ihnen sagen kann, dass es darauf ankommt - und dies ist möglicherweise eines der wichtigsten Dinge, die ich in den zehn Jahren dieser Forschung jemals gelernt habe. My one year turned into six years: thousands of stories, hundreds of long interviews, focus groups. Aus meinem einen Jahr wurden sechs Jahre: Tausende von Geschichten, Hunderte von langen Interviews, Fokusgruppen. At one point, people were sending me journal pages and sending me their stories -- thousands of pieces of data in six years. Irgendwann schickten mir Leute Tagebuchseiten und mir ihre Geschichten - Tausende von Daten in sechs Jahren. A certa altura, as pessoas estavam me enviando páginas do diário e suas histórias - milhares de dados em seis anos. And I kind of got a handle on it. Und ich habe es irgendwie in den Griff bekommen. E eu meio que entendi.

I kind of understood, this is what shame is, this is how it works. Ich habe irgendwie verstanden, das ist, was Schande ist, so funktioniert es. I wrote a book, I published a theory, but something was not okay -- and what it was is that, if I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness -- that's what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness -- they have a strong sense of love and belonging -- and folks who struggle for it, and folks who are always wondering if they're good enough. Ich habe ein Buch geschrieben, ich habe eine Theorie veröffentlicht, aber etwas war nicht in Ordnung - und was es war, wenn ich die Leute, die ich interviewt habe, grob in Leute aufteilte, die wirklich ein Gefühl der Wertigkeit haben, dann kommt das Bis auf ein Gefühl der Würdigkeit - sie haben ein starkes Gefühl der Liebe und Zugehörigkeit - und Leute, die dafür kämpfen, und Leute, die sich immer fragen, ob sie gut genug sind. 私は本を書き、理論を発表しましたが、何かが大丈夫ではありませんでした。つまり、面接した人々を大まかに取って、本当に価値ある感覚を持っている人々にそれらを分けた場合、それがこれです。価値観、つまり強い愛情と帰属意識、それに苦労している人々、そして彼らが十分であるかどうかを常に疑問に思っている人々。 Я написал книгу, опубликовал теорию, но что-то пошло не так - и это было то, что если я грубо взял людей, у которых брал интервью, и разделил их на людей, у которых действительно есть чувство собственного достоинства - вот что из этого получится. вплоть до чувства собственного достоинства - у них сильное чувство любви и принадлежности - и людей, которые борются за это, и людей, которые всегда задаются вопросом, достаточно ли они хороши. There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it. Es gab nur eine Variable, die die Menschen, die ein starkes Gefühl für Liebe und Zugehörigkeit haben, von den Menschen trennte, die wirklich dafür kämpfen. Havia apenas uma variável que separava as pessoas que têm um forte senso de amor e pertencimento e as pessoas que realmente lutam por isso. And that was, the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging. Und das heißt, die Menschen, die ein starkes Gefühl für Liebe und Zugehörigkeit haben, glauben, dass sie der Liebe und Zugehörigkeit würdig sind. E isso é, as pessoas que têm um forte senso de amor e pertencimento acreditam que são dignas de amor e pertencimento. И это были люди с сильным чувством любви и принадлежности, которые верят, что они достойны любви и принадлежности. That's it. They believe they're worthy. Sie glauben, dass sie es wert sind. Eles acreditam que são dignos. And to me, the hard part of the one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we're not worthy of connection, was something that, personally and professionally, I felt like I needed to understand better. Und für mich ist der schwierige Teil der einen Sache, die uns aus der Verbindung heraushält, unsere Angst, dass wir der Verbindung nicht würdig sind, etwas, das ich persönlich und beruflich besser verstehen musste. So what I did is I took all of the interviews where I saw worthiness, where I saw people living that way, and just looked at those. Also habe ich alle Interviews gemacht, in denen ich Würdigkeit gesehen habe, wo ich Menschen gesehen habe, die so leben, und habe mir nur diese angesehen.

What do these people have in common? Was haben diese Leute gemeinsam? I have a slight office supply addiction, but that's another talk. Ich habe eine leichte Abhängigkeit von Bürobedarf, aber das ist ein anderes Gespräch. Eu tenho um ligeiro vício em material de escritório, mas isso é outra conversa. So I had a manila folder, and I had a Sharpie, and I was like, what am I going to call this research? Also hatte ich einen Manila-Ordner und einen Sharpie, und ich dachte, wie soll ich diese Forschung nennen? Então, eu tinha uma pasta de papel pardo, um Sharpie e eu pensava: como vou chamar essa pesquisa? And the first words that came to my mind were whole-hearted. Und die ersten Worte, die mir in den Sinn kamen, waren von ganzem Herzen. These are whole-hearted people, living from this deep sense of worthiness. Dies sind Menschen von ganzem Herzen, die von diesem tiefen Gefühl der Wertigkeit leben. So I wrote at the top of the manila folder, and I started looking at the data. Also schrieb ich oben in den Manila-Ordner und fing an, die Daten zu betrachten. In fact, I did it first in a four-day very intensive data analysis, where I went back, pulled these interviews, pulled the stories, pulled the incidents. Tatsächlich habe ich es zuerst in einer viertägigen, sehr intensiven Datenanalyse gemacht, bei der ich zurückgegangen bin, diese Interviews gezogen, die Geschichten gezogen und die Vorfälle gezogen habe. What's the theme? Was ist das Thema? What's the pattern? My husband left town with the kids because I always go into this Jackson Pollock crazy thing, where I'm just like writing and in my researcher mode. Mein Mann hat die Stadt mit den Kindern verlassen, weil ich immer in diese verrückte Sache von Jackson Pollock gehe, wo ich wie Schreiben bin und in meinem Forschermodus. Мой муж уехал из города с детьми, потому что я всегда увлекаюсь этой безумной штукой с Джексоном Поллоком, когда я просто пишу и работаю в исследовательском режиме. And so here's what I found. И вот что я нашел. What they had in common was a sense of courage. Was sie gemeinsam hatten, war ein Gefühl des Mutes. And I want to separate courage and bravery for you for a minute. Und ich möchte für eine Minute Mut und Tapferkeit für Sie trennen. Courage, the original definition of courage, when it first came into the English language -- it's from the Latin word cor, meaning heart -- and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. Mut, die ursprüngliche Definition von Mut, als er zum ersten Mal in die englische Sprache kam - er stammt aus dem lateinischen Wort cor und bedeutet Herz - und die ursprüngliche Definition bestand darin, die Geschichte zu erzählen, wer Sie von ganzem Herzen sind. Coragem, a definição original de coragem, quando surgiu no idioma inglês - é da palavra latina cor, que significa coração - e a definição original era contar a história de quem você é com todo o seu coração. And so these folks had, very simply, the courage to be imperfect. Und so hatten diese Leute ganz einfach den Mut, unvollkommen zu sein. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can't practice compassion with other people if we can't treat ourselves kindly. Sie hatten das Mitgefühl, zuerst freundlich zu sich selbst und dann zu anderen zu sein, denn wie sich herausstellt, können wir kein Mitgefühl mit anderen Menschen üben, wenn wir uns nicht freundlich behandeln können. Eles tiveram a compaixão de ser gentis consigo mesmos primeiro e depois com os outros, porque, como se vê, não podemos praticar compaixão com outras pessoas se não pudermos nos tratar com bondade. У них хватило сострадания быть добрыми сначала к себе, а затем к другим, потому что, как выясняется, мы не можем проявлять сострадание к другим людям, если мы не можем относиться к себе по-доброму. And the last was they had connection, and -- this was the hard part -- as a result of authenticity, they were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do that for connection. Und das letzte war, dass sie eine Verbindung hatten, und - das war der schwierige Teil - aufgrund der Authentizität waren sie bereit, loszulassen, wer sie dachten, dass sie sein sollten, um zu sein, wer sie waren, was man unbedingt tun muss Mach das für die Verbindung. И последнее, у них была связь, и - это была самая сложная часть - в результате аутентичности они были готовы отказаться от того, кем, по их мнению, они должны были быть, чтобы быть тем, кем они были, что вы должны абсолютно сделайте это для подключения.

The other thing that they had in common was this: They fully embraced vulnerability. Das andere, was sie gemeinsam hatten, war Folgendes: Sie haben die Verwundbarkeit voll und ganz angenommen. A outra coisa que eles tinham em comum era o seguinte: eles abraçavam completamente a vulnerabilidade. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. Sie glaubten, dass das, was sie verletzlich machte, sie schön machte. They didn't talk about vulnerability being comfortable, nor did they really talk about it being excruciating -- as I had heard it earlier in the shame interviewing. Sie sprachen nicht darüber, dass Verwundbarkeit angenehm ist, und sie sprachen auch nicht wirklich darüber, dass es unerträglich ist - wie ich es zuvor im Schaminterview gehört hatte. Eles não falaram sobre a vulnerabilidade ser confortável, nem sobre a tortura - como eu já ouvira na entrevista de vergonha. They just talked about it being necessary. They talked about the willingness to say, "I love you" first, the willingness to do something where there are no guarantees, the willingness to breathe through waiting for the doctor to call after your mammogram. Sie sprachen über die Bereitschaft, zuerst "Ich liebe dich" zu sagen, die Bereitschaft, etwas zu tun, für das es keine Garantien gibt, die Bereitschaft zu atmen, indem man darauf wartet, dass der Arzt nach Ihrer Mammographie anruft. Eles conversaram sobre a vontade de dizer "eu te amo" primeiro, a vontade de fazer algo onde não há garantias, a vontade de respirar esperando que o médico ligue após a mamografia. Они говорили о готовности сначала сказать: «Я люблю тебя», о готовности сделать что-то там, где нет никаких гарантий, о готовности дышать в ожидании вызова врача после маммографии. They're willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. Sie sind bereit, in eine Beziehung zu investieren, die möglicherweise funktioniert oder nicht. Eles estão dispostos a investir em um relacionamento que pode ou não funcionar. Они готовы вкладывать деньги в отношения, которые могут сложиться, а могут и не сложиться. They thought this was fundamental. Sie hielten dies für grundlegend. Eles acharam que isso era fundamental.

I personally thought it was betrayal. Ich persönlich dachte, es sei Verrat. Eu pessoalmente pensei que era traição. I could not believe I had pledged allegiance to research, where our job -- you know, the definition of research is to control and predict, to study phenomena, for the explicit reason to control and predict. Ich konnte nicht glauben, dass ich mich der Forschung verpflichtet hatte, wo unsere Aufgabe - Sie wissen, die Definition von Forschung besteht darin, Phänomene zu kontrollieren und vorherzusagen, zu untersuchen, aus dem expliziten Grund, sie zu kontrollieren und vorherzusagen. Eu não podia acreditar que havia prometido lealdade à pesquisa, onde nosso trabalho - você sabe, a definição de pesquisa é controlar e prever, estudar fenômenos, pela razão explícita de controlar e prever. And now my mission to control and predict had turned up the answer that the way to live is with vulnerability and to stop controlling and predicting. Und jetzt hatte meine Mission, zu kontrollieren und vorherzusagen, die Antwort ergeben, dass die Art zu leben verwundbar ist und die Kontrolle und Vorhersage zu beenden. This led to a little breakdown -- (Laughter) -- which actually looked more like this. Dies führte zu einem kleinen Zusammenbruch - (Gelächter) - der tatsächlich eher so aussah. Isso levou a um pequeno colapso - (Risos) - que parecia mais com isso. (Laughter) And it did. (Gelächter) Und das tat es. (Risos) E fez. I call it a breakdown; my therapist calls it a spiritual awakening. Ich nenne es eine Panne; Mein Therapeut nennt es ein spirituelles Erwachen. Eu chamo de colapso; meu terapeuta chama isso de um despertar espiritual. A spiritual awakening sounds better than breakdown, but I assure you it was a breakdown. 精神的な目覚めは故障よりも良いように聞こえますが、それは故障であったことを保証します。 And I had to put my data away and go find a therapist. E tive que guardar meus dados e procurar um terapeuta. Let me tell you something: you know who you are when you call your friends and say, "I think I need to see somebody. Lassen Sie mich Ihnen etwas sagen: Sie wissen, wer Sie sind, wenn Sie Ihre Freunde anrufen und sagen: "Ich denke, ich muss jemanden sehen. Позвольте мне сказать вам кое-что: вы знаете, кто вы, когда звоните своим друзьям и говорите: «Я думаю, мне нужно кого-нибудь увидеть. Do you have any recommendations?" Because about five of my friends were like, "Wooo. Weil ungefähr fünf meiner Freunde sagten: "Wooo. I wouldn't want to be your therapist." Ich würde nicht dein Therapeut sein wollen. " (Laughter) I was like, "What does that mean?" (Gelächter) Ich sagte: "Was bedeutet das?" And they're like, "I'm just saying, you know. Und sie sagen: "Ich sage nur, weißt du? Don't bring your measuring stick." Bring deinen Messstab nicht mit. " Não traga sua vara de medição. " Не бери с собой мерную линейку ". I was like, "Okay. " Ich sagte: "Okay." So I found a therapist. My first meeting with her, Diana -- I brought in my list of the way the whole-hearted live, and I sat down. Mein erstes Treffen mit ihr, Diana - Ich brachte meine Liste mit, wie die ganzen Herzen leben, und setzte mich. Minha primeira reunião com ela, Diana - eu trouxe minha lista de como todo o coração vive, e me sentei. Моя первая встреча с ней, Диана - я внесла свой список того, как искренне живут, и села. And she said, "How are you?" Und sie sagte: "Wie geht es dir?" And I said, "I'm great. I'm okay." She said, "What's going on?" Sie sagte: "Was ist los?" And this is a therapist who sees therapists, because we have to go to those, because their B.S. Und dies ist ein Therapeut, der Therapeuten sieht, weil wir zu denen gehen müssen, weil ihre BS E este é um terapeuta que vê terapeutas, porque temos que ir a eles, porque a BS deles А это терапевт, который видит терапевтов, потому что мы должны к ним обращаться, потому что их BS meters are good. Meter sind gut. метры хорошие. (Laughter) And so I said, "Here's the thing, I'm struggling." (Gelächter) Und so sagte ich: "Hier ist das Ding, ich kämpfe." (Risos) E então eu disse: "Aqui está a coisa, estou lutando". (Смех) Я сказал: «Вот в чем дело, я борюсь». And she said, "What's the struggle?" And I said, "Well, I have a vulnerability issue. E eu disse: "Bem, eu tenho um problema de vulnerabilidade. And I know that vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. Und ich weiß, dass Verletzlichkeit der Kern von Scham und Angst und unser Kampf um Würdigkeit ist, aber es scheint, dass es auch der Geburtsort der Freude, der Kreativität, der Zugehörigkeit, der Liebe ist. И я знаю, что уязвимость - это сердцевина стыда, страха и нашей борьбы за достоинство, но, похоже, это также родина радости, творчества, принадлежности, любви. And I think I have a problem, and I need some help." And I said, "But here's the thing: no family stuff, no childhood shit." Und ich sagte: "Aber hier ist die Sache: keine Familiensachen, keine Kindheitsscheiße." И я сказал: «Но вот в чем дело: никаких семейных дел, никакого детского дерьма». (Laughter) "I just need some strategies." (Laughter) (Applause) Thank you. So she goes like this. Also geht sie so. Então ela vai assim. Итак, она идет вот так. (Laughter) And then I said, "It's bad, right?" And she said, "It's neither good nor bad." E ela disse: "Não é bom nem ruim". И она сказала: «Это ни хорошо, ни плохо». (Laughter) "It just is what it is." (Gelächter) "Es ist einfach was es ist." And I said, "Oh my God, this is going to suck. " Und ich sagte: "Oh mein Gott, das wird scheiße." (Laughter)

And it did, and it didn't. Und es tat es und es tat es nicht. And it took about a year. Und es dauerte ungefähr ein Jahr. And you know how there are people that, when they realize that vulnerability and tenderness are important, that they surrender and walk into it. Und Sie wissen, wie es Menschen gibt, die sich ergeben und hineingehen, wenn sie erkennen, dass Verletzlichkeit und Zärtlichkeit wichtig sind. E você sabe como existem pessoas que, quando percebem que a vulnerabilidade e a ternura são importantes, se rendem e entram nela. И вы знаете, как есть люди, которые, когда понимают, что уязвимость и нежность важны, сдаются и идут к этому. A: that's not me, and B: I don't even hang out with people like that. A: Das bin nicht ich und B: Ich treffe mich nicht einmal mit solchen Leuten. A: não sou eu, e B: eu nem saio com pessoas assim. (Laughter) For me, it was a yearlong street fight. (Gelächter) Für mich war es ein einjähriger Straßenkampf. It was a slugfest. Vulnerability pushed, I pushed back. Sicherheitslücke gedrückt, ich drückte zurück. Vulnerabilidade empurrada, eu empurrei de volta. I lost the fight, but probably won my life back. Ich habe den Kampf verloren, aber wahrscheinlich mein Leben zurückgewonnen.

And so then I went back into the research and spent the next couple of years really trying to understand what they, the whole-hearted, what choices they were making, and what are we doing with vulnerability. Und so ging ich zurück in die Forschung und verbrachte die nächsten paar Jahre damit, wirklich zu verstehen, was sie, die von ganzem Herzen, welche Entscheidungen sie trafen und was wir mit Verwundbarkeit tun. E então voltei para a pesquisa e passei os próximos dois anos realmente tentando entender o que eles, de todo o coração, que escolhas estavam fazendo e o que estamos fazendo com a vulnerabilidade. Why do we struggle with it so much? Warum kämpfen wir so viel damit? Por que lutamos tanto com isso? Am I alone in struggling with vulnerability? Bin ich allein im Kampf mit Verwundbarkeit? No. So this is what I learned. We numb vulnerability -- when we're waiting for the call. Wir betäuben die Verwundbarkeit - wenn wir auf den Anruf warten. Adormecemos a vulnerabilidade - quando estamos aguardando a ligação. It was funny, I sent something out on Twitter and on Facebook that says, "How would you define vulnerability? What makes you feel vulnerable?" Was macht dich verletzlich? " And within an hour and a half, I had 150 responses. Because I wanted to know what's out there. Weil ich wissen wollte, was da draußen ist. Porque eu queria saber o que há por aí. Having to ask my husband for help because I'm sick, and we're newly married; initiating sex with my husband; initiating sex with my wife; being turned down; asking someone out; waiting for the doctor to call back; getting laid off; laying off people -- this is the world we live in. Ich muss meinen Mann um Hilfe bitten, weil ich krank bin und wir frisch verheiratet sind. Sex mit meinem Mann initiieren; Sex mit meiner Frau initiieren; abgelehnt werden; jemanden fragen; Warten auf den Rückruf des Arztes; entlassen werden; Menschen entlassen - das ist die Welt, in der wir leben. Ter que pedir ajuda ao meu marido porque estou doente e somos recém casados; iniciar sexo com meu marido; iniciar sexo com minha esposa; sendo recusado; convidar alguém para sair; esperando o médico ligar de volta; ser despedido; demitindo pessoas - este é o mundo em que vivemos. Приходится просить помощи у мужа, потому что я больна, а мы молодожены; начало секса с мужем; начало секса с женой; отказано; приглашать кого-то на свидание; ожидание перезвона врача; увольнение; увольнение людей - это мир, в котором мы живем. We live in a vulnerable world. Wir leben in einer verletzlichen Welt. And one of the ways we deal with it is we numb vulnerability. Und einer der Wege, wie wir damit umgehen, ist, dass wir die Verwundbarkeit betäuben.

And I think there's evidence -- and it's not the only reason this evidence exists, but I think it's a huge cause -- we are the most in-debt, obese, addicted and medicated adult cohort in U.S. Und ich denke, es gibt Beweise - und es ist nicht der einzige Grund, warum diese Beweise existieren, aber ich denke, es ist eine große Ursache - wir sind die am stärksten verschuldete, fettleibige, süchtige und medikamentös erwachsene Kohorte in den USA E acho que há evidências - e não é a única razão pela qual essas evidências existem, mas acho que é uma causa enorme - somos a coorte de adultos mais endividada, obesa, viciada e medicada nos EUA. history. The problem is -- and I learned this from the research -- that you cannot selectively numb emotion. Das Problem ist - und das habe ich aus der Forschung gelernt -, dass man Emotionen nicht selektiv betäuben kann. You can't say, here's the bad stuff. Man kann nicht sagen, hier ist das schlechte Zeug. Here's vulnerability, here's grief, here's shame, here's fear, here's disappointment. Hier ist Verletzlichkeit, hier ist Trauer, hier ist Schande, hier ist Angst, hier ist Enttäuschung. Aqui está a vulnerabilidade, aqui está a tristeza, aqui está a vergonha, aqui está o medo, aqui está a decepção. I don't want to feel these. I'm going to have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. Ich werde ein paar Biere und einen Bananen-Nuss-Muffin trinken. Vou tomar umas cervejas e um bolinho de banana. (Laughter) I don't want to feel these. And I know that's knowing laughter. Und ich weiß, dass das Lachen ist. I hack into your lives for a living. Ich hacke in dein Leben, um meinen Lebensunterhalt zu verdienen. God. (Laughter) You can't numb those hard feelings without numbing the other affects, our emotions. (Gelächter) Sie können diese harten Gefühle nicht betäuben, ohne die anderen Affekte, unsere Emotionen, zu betäuben. (Risos) Você não pode entorpecer esses sentimentos sem entorpecer os outros efeitos, nossas emoções. You cannot selectively numb. So when we numb those, we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness. Então, quando entorpecemos aqueles, entorpecemos a alegria, entorpecemos a gratidão, entorpecemos a felicidade. And then we are miserable, and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and then we feel vulnerable, so then we have a couple of beers and a banana nut muffin. Und dann sind wir unglücklich, und wir suchen nach Sinn und Zweck, und dann fühlen wir uns verletzlich, also haben wir ein paar Biere und einen Bananen-Nuss-Muffin. E então nos sentimos infelizes, procuramos um propósito e um significado, e então nos sentimos vulneráveis, então temos algumas cervejas e um bolinho de noz de banana. And it becomes this dangerous cycle.

One of the things that I think we need to think about is why and how we numb. Ich denke, wir müssen darüber nachdenken, warum und wie wir betäuben. Uma das coisas em que acho que precisamos pensar é por que e como entorpecemos. And it doesn't just have to be addiction. Und es muss nicht nur Sucht sein. The other thing we do is we make everything that's uncertain certain. Das andere, was wir tun, ist, dass wir alles, was unsicher ist, sicher machen. Religion has gone from a belief in faith and mystery to certainty. Die Religion hat sich vom Glauben an Glauben und Mysterium zur Gewissheit entwickelt. A religião passou de uma crença na fé e no mistério à certeza. Религия превратилась из веры и тайны в уверенность. I'm right, you're wrong. Estou certo, você está errado. Shut up. Halte den Mund, halt den Rand, Halt die Klappe. That's it. Just certain. Nur sicher. The more afraid we are, the more vulnerable we are, the more afraid we are. Je mehr Angst wir haben, je verletzlicher wir sind, desto mehr Angst haben wir. Quanto mais medo temos, mais vulneráveis somos, mais medo temos. Чем больше мы боимся, тем более уязвимы, тем больше мы боимся. This is what politics looks like today. So sieht Politik heute aus. There's no discourse anymore. Es gibt keinen Diskurs mehr. There's no conversation. There's just blame. Es gibt nur Schuld. You know how blame is described in the research? Sie wissen, wie Schuld in der Forschung beschrieben wird? Você sabe como a culpa é descrita na pesquisa? A way to discharge pain and discomfort. Ein Weg, um Schmerzen und Beschwerden zu lindern. Uma maneira de aliviar a dor e o desconforto. We perfect. If there's anyone who wants their life to look like this, it would be me, but it doesn't work. Wenn es jemanden gibt, der möchte, dass sein Leben so aussieht, wäre ich es, aber es funktioniert nicht. Se alguém quiser que sua vida seja assim, sou eu, mas não funciona. Because what we do is we take fat from our butts and put it in our cheeks. Denn was wir tun, ist, dass wir Fett von unseren Hintern nehmen und es in unsere Wangen stecken. Porque o que fazemos é pegar gordura nas nádegas e colocá-la nas bochechas. Потому что мы берем жир с ягодиц и кладем его на щеки. (Laughter) Which just, I hope in 100 years, people will look back and go, "Wow. " (Gelächter) Ich hoffe, dass die Leute in 100 Jahren zurückblicken und sagen: "Wow." (Risos) Que, espero, daqui a 100 anos, as pessoas olhem para trás e digam: "Uau". (Laughter)

And we perfect, most dangerously, our children. Und wir perfektionieren am gefährlichsten unsere Kinder. E aperfeiçoamos, mais perigosamente, nossos filhos. Let me tell you what we think about children. They're hardwired for struggle when they get here. Sie sind fest verdrahtet für den Kampf, wenn sie hier ankommen. Eles estão conectados pela luta quando chegam aqui. And when you hold those perfect little babies in your hand, our job is not to say, "Look at her, she's perfect. Und wenn Sie diese perfekten kleinen Babys in der Hand halten, besteht unsere Aufgabe nicht darin, zu sagen: "Schau sie an, sie ist perfekt. My job is just to keep her perfect -- make sure she makes the tennis team by fifth grade and Yale by seventh grade." Meine Aufgabe ist es nur, sie perfekt zu halten - stellen Sie sicher, dass sie die Tennismannschaft in der fünften Klasse und Yale in der siebten Klasse erreicht. " That's not our job. Our job is to look and say, "You know what? Unsere Aufgabe ist es zu schauen und zu sagen: "Weißt du was? You're imperfect, and you're wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging." Du bist unvollkommen und für den Kampf verdrahtet, aber du bist der Liebe und Zugehörigkeit würdig. " That's our job. Show me a generation of kids raised like that, and we'll end the problems I think that we see today. Zeigen Sie mir eine Generation von Kindern, die so erzogen wurden, und wir werden die Probleme beenden, die wir heute sehen. We pretend that what we do doesn't have an effect on people. Wir geben vor, dass das, was wir tun, keine Auswirkungen auf die Menschen hat. We do that in our personal lives. We do that corporate -- whether it's a bailout, an oil spill, a recall -- we pretend like what we're doing doesn't have a huge impact on other people. Wir machen dieses Unternehmen - ob es sich um eine Rettungsaktion, eine Ölpest oder einen Rückruf handelt - wir tun so, als ob das, was wir tun, keine großen Auswirkungen auf andere Menschen hat. Fazemos isso corporativo - seja um resgate, um derramamento de óleo, um recall - fingimos que o que estamos fazendo não tem um impacto enorme nas outras pessoas. Мы делаем это корпоративное - будь то спасение, разлив нефти или отзыв - мы делаем вид, будто то, что мы делаем, не оказывает большого влияния на других людей. I would say to companies, this is not our first rodeo, people. Ich würde Unternehmen sagen, dies ist nicht unser erstes Rodeo, Leute. Я бы сказал компаниям, это не первое наше родео, люди. We just need you to be authentic and real and say, "We're sorry. Sie müssen nur authentisch und real sein und sagen: "Es tut uns leid. We'll fix it. " Wir werden es reparieren. "" But there's another way, and I'll leave you with this. Aber es gibt noch einen anderen Weg, und ich werde Sie damit belassen. This is what I have found: to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen; to love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee -- and that's really hard, and I can tell you as a parent, that's excruciatingly difficult -- to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of terror, when we're wondering, "Can I love you this much? Folgendes habe ich gefunden: uns sehen lassen, tief gesehen, verletzlich gesehen; von ganzem Herzen zu lieben, obwohl es keine Garantie gibt - und das ist wirklich schwer, und ich kann Ihnen als Eltern sagen, dass es unerträglich schwierig ist -, in diesen Momenten des Terrors Dankbarkeit und Freude zu üben, wenn wir uns fragen: "Kann ich dich so sehr lieben? Вот что я обнаружил: позволять видеть себя, глубоко видеть, уязвимо видеть; любить всем сердцем, даже если нет гарантии - а это действительно сложно, и я могу сказать вам как родитель, это мучительно сложно - проявлять благодарность и радость в те моменты ужаса, когда мы задаемся вопросом, "Могу ли я так сильно тебя любить? Can I believe in this this passionately? Kann ich so leidenschaftlich daran glauben? Posso acreditar nisso apaixonadamente? Can I be this fierce about this?" Kann ich so heftig sein? " Могу я быть таким жестоким по этому поводу? " just to be able to stop and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say, "I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive." Nur um aufhören zu können und anstatt zu katastrophalisieren, was passieren könnte, zu sagen: "Ich bin einfach so dankbar, denn dieses Gefühl der Verletzlichkeit bedeutet, dass ich am Leben bin." просто чтобы иметь возможность остановиться и, вместо того, чтобы катастрофизировать то, что может случиться, сказать: «Я так благодарен, потому что чувствовать себя уязвимым - значит, что я жив». And the last, which I think is probably the most important, is to believe that we're enough. Und das Letzte, was ich für das Wichtigste halte, ist zu glauben, dass wir genug sind. Because when we work from a place, I believe, that says, "I'm enough," then we stop screaming and start listening, we're kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we're kinder and gentler to ourselves. Denn wenn wir von einem Ort aus arbeiten, glaube ich, der sagt: "Ich bin genug", dann hören wir auf zu schreien und hören zu, wir sind freundlicher und sanfter gegenüber den Menschen um uns herum und wir sind freundlicher und sanfter gegenüber uns selbst . Потому что, когда мы работаем на месте, я думаю, это говорит: «Мне достаточно», тогда мы перестаем кричать и начинаем слушать, мы добрее и нежнее к людям вокруг нас, и мы добрее и нежнее к себе . That's all I have. Das ist alles was ich habe. Thank you.

(Applause)