Episode 02 - part 01
[man] Hey!
Bean! No!
She forgot her glove!
My poor Princess Tiabeanie.
She never had a chance to say she loved me.
[footsteps approaching]
Now what? Whoa!
[sniffs]
Me smell fear.
[stutters] I mean, I smell fear.
You don't scare me! I was born scared. Get him, men!
[swords clinking]
[grunting]
[all grunting]
-[monk] Boys, boys, boys. -[knight] What?
There's no conflict here. This is a plateau of peace.
[throat singing]
-Ah! -[all grunting]
I can get married or I can die. This should be a harder decision.
Hey!
Death is the easy way out!
So I say do it. Do it! Do it, do it, do it!
No!
Your cruddy life is worth living, Bean.
And so is mine, if you live.
Ugh. Geez. Do it.
Hey, guys?
[both] Yeah?
Uh, while you were talking, the stick broke.
[Elfo and Bean screaming]
Leaving when the ogre looked away was an excellent strategy.
Now, by my reckoning, the bodies should have landed right here.
Whoa!
Dear God, you've mangled my exquisite face! Wait, no, that's your face. What's wrong with my face? It looks like a foot. I mean, if you're happy with it... Whoa!
And that's when I discovered that the dragon could shoot fire from both ends.
Anyway, enough about every detail of my life.
Tell me something about you.
[grunts]
[man] Really? Fascinating. Exquisite.
[playing fanfare]
[distorted trumpet sound]
Your Majesty, it is with much heroism that I now return Princess Bean,
along with this priceless sack of elf.
Ah! Uh.
This cold floor feels good on my concussion.
Hi, I'm Elfo! But more importantly, I am the one and only Luci.
Who cares what a cat has to say?
[grunts]
I'm not a cat! Ah, whatever. I'm gonna go lay down in the window. All I care about is this sweet, precious elf.
Cram him in a cage!
Dad, you can't just cage him. Elves are jolly by nature.
They need to prance and dance.
Lucky for you, I'm a patron of the arts. But all frolicking stays within castle walls.
Well, get to it!
[playing happy tune on flute]
[screaming and grunting]
It's still rolling, but he has stopped screaming. Someone jab him with a sword, make sure he's okay. Speaking of things getting poked, we've got a wedding to plan. Ew. Dad, think out the words before they come out. It's-- I know. It felt weird when I said it.
-[bells ringing] -[seagulls squawking]
We'll scrub you right up, as clean as a child on his funeral day. Arms up!
Oh.
How my Charlie sparkled this morning when they heaved him into the burial pit.
He's in a better place now. Oh, yes, down there with all his little friends.
Ah. Not so hard!
I'm sorry, Bunty. I don't mean to be insensitive about your dead whatever. I just really don't want to marry this wealthy prince. You understand.
But it is your duty as a princess.
We need this marriage to cement our alliance with Bentwood.
For our kingdom is rich in tradition,
but their kingdom is rich in... Well, riches.
Plus, I don't see anyone else storming your castle, princess. Rawr.
[bubbling]
[munches]
-Your Highness. -Eh?
The elf may have value far beyond what we expected.
Uh...
It appears there may be truth to the old legends regarding the elves.
It seems certain secrets were set down in the ancient writings of Mephismo.
[blows]
[both coughing]
I should dust in here more often.
Anyway, I've read it before. The essence is that there is enormously potent magic in elves' blood. Could this elf's blood be the key to my wildest dream? Might we finally create the Elixir of Life?
I don't want to raise your hopes. But yes, definitely.
[humming]
Hey, Elfo, what are you lookin' at? I was just admiring the towel. My people don't have terrycloth. I cannot marry that pig Merkimer. [stutters] I can't do it. I'm gonna have to kill him or something. Do it.
Do it, do it, do it!
And after you kill him we can hide the body.
Then we could join the search party
and you and I can look at each other and try not to laugh.
No!
You're not a murderer, Bean! Well, I mean, you did kill that one guy.
Nope. Still alive, but suffering greatly.
You're a sweet person. Sure, you're a violent alcoholic, but you're not a killer. You're right. I'll go have a few drinks and we'll figure something out. Oh.
Hey, I'm still naked. I'm naked all the time. You just didn't know it. And now you're never gonna un-know it. Uh, might we borrow this little man for a moment?
I just need to pick his brain.
Through his nostrils.
So, how we gonna kill your fiancé?
Candlestick in the conservatory? Candlestick in the face?
I think we need to be a little bit more discreet.
Oh.
Poison could be perfect!
This one causes slow, painful death.
This one kills you with kindness and some belladonna.
And this one's so poisonous you can't even hold it in a bottle. [chuckles]
Oh.
Excuse me.
[thuds]
Have you folks been helped?
We're still browsing. Uh, you know what? I'm just not comfortable with murder. There's got to be another way to get rid of him. You could just marry him
and drive him mad with your indecisiveness.
Hmm.
I don't know. We're running out of time. [stutters]
What if I rub a sick chicken all over his face and hope for the best?
[clucks then coughs]
[bells ringing]
[Bean] Mermaids!
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? [muffled] Probably not.
[chicken clucks then wheezes]
[chuckles] Something tickles. Is there a mosquito on my leg?
Behold, sire, as I extract a small quantity of blood.
I only have a small quantity of blood.
Excellent. I've asked the eminent Lord Lingonberry to take part in the experiment.
And may I say what a deep honor it is to assist His Majesty in this most--
Strap him down!
This is the first interesting thing that's ever happened to me. To test the revitalizing influence of the blood,
I shall apply a small measure to the scalp
to regrow his Lordship's once-lavish hair. And... doink.
Nothing's happening. But, ho! Some hair has sprouted in his ear.
His ears were always like that!
It's like he keeps paintbrushes in there. Yes, well, I suppose the life-giving magic may take a while.
Uh, come back in a few days, Lord Lingonberry.
He's dead. Pity. He was a good man. A family man.
