Episode 05 - part 03
I suck. The only thing I'm good at is sitting on this rock and crying. [crying]
[gasps]
I ain't no rock and I've heard better crying. [moans] Just bury me alive next to these elf tracks.
-Where do you think he was going? -Who?
Well, we can add detective to the list of things you're bad at. There's only one elf in town. Oh! Elfo! His tracks lead right toward that tree.
[Luci sniffing]
It looks like he turned away at the last second,
then hit this other tree.
Then he cried, kicked that rock, hopped around in pain,
then stomped angrily down this trail,
where this demented squirrel stole his shoe.
[snarling]
[Elfo] Whoa.
Hi. Elfo. And you are?
Amused by your wittle twousers.
If you're referring to my nappy, it's actually war pants. Well, I should probably get back to battle.
[yelping and grunting]
Ah!
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
-[yells] -Looks like we have a window licker.
Come, the candy inside tastes much better. Less bird droppings.
-He's Hansel. -Und she's Gretel. So Gretel and Hansel?
[in German] Nein, Hansel und Gretel!
[in English] Please, come in.
[in German] Schnell!
Mmm, wow. Good cocoa.
Yeah, buttery mouthfeel, good viscosity.
Do I detect some kind of mallow? I wanna say marsh.
Oh, you must have excellent taste.
[both snickering]
Don't give away the game. When Germans laugh, people get nervous.
Can I do the thing about having him for dinner?
That's fine. He's a dummkopf. It doesn't matter. Let's fatten him up! He's looking at us, so I'm going to stop whispering now. You say you come from the land of candy?
Then you must love peppermint swirlies und chocolate logs und sugarplums.
Und none of them are dusted mit sleeping powder.
Mmm.
[chuckles]
I'll tell you, if I lived here, I'd probably eat the whole place. [chuckles] I don't know how you stop yourselves. Oh, we're more meat eaters now. Oh! All that candy made me so tired. I'm just gonna lay down in this pan. He might as well just pour butter on himself. He is!
I'm confused. Does he want to die?
No, I just don't want to stick. Hey. Hey, let me out.
I'll show you where me pot o' gold is. Maybe he is a leprechaun. He's dancing a jig. No, he's just boiling. [Elfo screaming]
Judging from the height of these tongue marks,
this house has recently been licked by an elf.
First that little guy, now you two? [chuckles]
Has anyone else come by here today?
No, no, no. But come in. Make yourself casserole.
I mean, comfortable.
[sighs] You're just in time for supper. Do you like ham? This is like ham, but it's not ham. How cute. It looks like a little monkey all roasted up with onions.
Ja. It does, but it's not. Eat.
[swallows] Hmm. I like this, but as a friend.
Whatever it is, it's delicious. Oh, my God! [crying]
You served me Elfo?
I thought I didn't like him. Don't be a dummy bear. Elf is dessert meat. It's still cooking. -Ow! -Help, help!
I'm allergic to apples! -Elfo! Don't worry, I'll get you-- -[Luci] Bean! Achtung!
Oh. "Make yourself casserole." Now I get it.
[groans] Never send a princess to do a demon's job. [grunting]
God, what did they marinate you in, man? It smells out of this world.
[muffled grunting]
I'll save you, sister. [breathing heavily]
[groans] Stop it with the tongues.
The blow pop! It's gonna-- [both giggling]
[both giggling]
[Bean grunts] Caramel strips?
[Hansel and Gretel giggling]
[screaming]
[yells]
[grunting]
[giggling echoes]
[Hansel] This is like ham,
but it's not ham. [giggling echoes]
Okay, guys? Okay.
All right, the creepy laughter has to stop before we can have a real conversation.
Guys, give yourselves up.
Everyone will understand why you went crazy
after the witch imprisoned you for so many years.
[Gretel] Oh, we were crazy long before we met the witch.
[Hansel] We ate our parents.
And then the witch kidnapped you?
[Hansel] Nein, she adopted us und gave us candy, but not enough.
So we tied her to the sink and started eating people.
Bean! Behind you.
-Bean, kill him. Do not wuss out. -I don't think I can. Gretel, no! We were supposed to grow old together and eat a family.
[Luci growling]
[cackling]
Hey! Whoa.
Hey! Whoa.
Words! The curse is lifted.
[laughing]
There's my real laugh. Bean, look at me. Don't look at me, look at the corpses. You did it. You finally killed someone, intentionally. I am so proud of you.
It was self-defense.
Don't be modest. You killed these mentally ill siblings fair and square.
And I got roasted alive. I guess we all did our part.
[Bean] As rewarding as it is to kill people,
nothing feels better than sparing the life of one innocent person.
You saved my life and rid me of that awful curse.
It's been a horrible ordeal. But my one solace is knowing I can return to my beautiful candy home.
And spend my remaining years tending to my twin sister who lives in the attic.
Or, um, you could do something else. [chuckles]
Traveling is fun, too. Right?
-Bye-bye, now. It was Elfo's fault. -[crowd gasps]
[herald] And now, the main event!
Princess Tiabeanie, step forward.
For outstanding bravery, foresight and wisdom,
I hereby award myself this medal for the extraordinary parenting
that turned you from a worthless, bucktoothed degenerate
to a ruthless executioner with a beautiful smile.
-I'm proud of you, Beanie. -Really?
Not that you care what I think.
Yeah, I'm kinda cool that way. Thanks, Pops.
Mention my buckteeth again
and I'll use them to bite out your spinal cord. [Zog] That's my girl.
