Episode 02 - part 02
[pigs squealing]
Clearly, the volume of blood was inadequate.
To extract greater quantities, we'll need more sophisticated methods. Mop Girl, milk him.
[squirting]
My brain feels dry.
Now we hope Merkimer's a big enough idiot to fall for this mermaid plan. I'm feeling optimistic. [chuckling nervously] So, Merkimer, I know I've been a little cold and distant, and some would say overflowing with revulsion--
That's okay. I don't listen to women. But before we marry
and I enter a state of semi-permanent pregnancy...
[chuckles nervously] Woo!
I just wanted to make sure you have some fun.
That's why I insist you have a bachelor party. It'll be way out on the open seas where the only law is the law of no laws. Anything goes.
Anything... goes.
Anything goes!
Whoa!
They call it a party barge,
and it's charting a course for Mermaid Island. This island has real mermaids?
It's not just named after Gerald K. Mermaid? It was named after him, but it also has mermaids.
Intriguing. But don't mermaids use their mesmo-songs to lure men to their deaths?
Ah, only weak-minded men fall for that.
So you'll be pretty much fine. Very well. I'm in. What a gullible idiot.
Can I go, too?
Our first experiment with the elf blood was inconclusive.
But these new tests shall reveal its restorative powers.
Hmm.
Fly!
Oh.
[gulps]
[Elfo] Ow!
[gasps] Are you okay?
[weakly] If I say no, will I seem less manly?
Elfo, that's not possible. Why don't you pick on someone your own size? Like a barn!
First of all, sweetie, shut up.
I'm not gonna hurt this little guy. I'm gonna leech the magic out of him. Don't you want a magic daddy? No! Gosh. I don't want a magic daddy, and I would never call you that even if you were!
You just want your stupid Elixir of Life so you can be immortal and rule forever.
God, you're selfish and cruel. Selfish? Maybe. But cruel?
Ah, also maybe.
Sire, harnessing the blood's power has proven difficult. Perhaps if I had more to work with...
[groans] Look at this! There's more blood in my chamber pot. If this flask isn't filled with elf blood by morning, we'll grind him to a paste and see if that works better. Oh! If that paste doesn't work, I'm in real trouble. [owl hoots]
[bell dings]
I'm an optimist. I say the flask is half-full.
-It's not. -Don't be so negative. -Where there's a will, there's a way. -There's not. [pigs squeal, grunt]
Shut your snouts, you dumb pigs, or I'm gonna... Oh, wait. Did you know that pigs are 80% blood?
-Really? -Not anymore.
I must admit, the quantity of blood exceeded my expectations.
So Elfo is free to go?
Hmm.
For now.
Looks like I picked the wrong day to wear sandals.
[whooping]
Was I the only one hoping for more blood?
I feel weak and queasy.
What you need is a nice, long boat ride.
All aboard the party barge! I hope you like fun and soggy pretzels.
[men cheering]
I hope you like me yelling!
Stop right there, Your Ladyness.
A delicate flower like yourself has no place aboard--
[grunts]
Good point.
I'm so glad you're coming along, Bean. You'll get to know the crazy, fun me, before spending the rest of your life with the boring, bossy me.
I'm lucky in so many ways. [captain] Now listen up, you landhuggers.
This may be a party barge,
but the dangers of Mermaid Island be all too real.
So drink responsibly!
[coughs]
[screams]
-[all chant] Spin the elf! Spin the elf! -Spin the-- [screams]
Attention on the party barge!
We be sailing now into treacherous waters.
To starboard, man-eating sharks.
To port, a sunset so beautiful
the rest of your life will seem anticlimactic.
But the worst lies ahead!
For there lurk the twin shores of Mermaid Island and Walrus Island.
And you don't want to mix those up, believe me. Let's get this underway, shall we? Everyone line up single file to get lashed to the masts.
God forbid you lose control and jump overboard.
We don't want that. Anyone not tied down better plug your ears.
"Ear wax"? Does it mean it's for ears or from ears? Arr, you'll want to put the wax in before you hear me answer. Tighter, man, tighter! I have poor impulse control.
You remembered to use a slipknot, right?
I can't hear you! I've got wax in my ears! You rigged it so he'll break free and leap overboard, right? The plan?
Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, no. I couldn't do it. Ugh.
Elf defense? Try self-defense.
Just go cut the ropes.
-Stop! No! Don't do it! -Do it. Do it.
-I can't jump that high. -Do it! Elfo...
-That's not fair. -Don't listen to Elfo. You're playing to your strengths, and not mine. [laughs mockingly] See? Even the gods don't want you to do it. Then they shouldn't have given me these big bad buck teeth. My prince, may I give you one last kiss for good luck?
On the forearm, for whatever reason?
That's kind of Mother's thing, but sure. [kisses]
[biting]
Did it work?
All hands, brace fer mermaids! And their irresistible song.
If it's smooth jazz, I will destroy this place. [harmonious singing]
[all sighing]
-Oh.
-Oh.
It's beautiful. Such angelic voices.
I've never heard a song so sweet and delicate. I must have sex with its origin.
Ha! I'm free! Lead the way, loins.
[grunts]
[men gasp]
I'm Merkimer. I can't wait to meet you. I don't need your names, though.
