EPISODE 7 - BOB (1)
PROLOGUE
THE ANSWER PHONE
Congratulations. You've reached The Amelia Project. This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up. Now. If you continue, there's no way back. Good choice. A new life awaits. You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you do not hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
BEEP.
BOB
There are thirty one million people waiting for me. No way I can do this… No way! I… I have to disappear. For the love of God… call me!
BEEP.
THEME TUNE
INTRO
The Amelia Project by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Episode 7: Bob.
THE INTERVIEW
KNOCKING.
INTERVIEWER
Come in!
THE DOOR OPENS AND BOB ENTERS.
BOB
Hello. I'm Bob.
INTERVIEWER
(WILD LAUGHING)
“I'm Bob.” Love it!
Well, take a seat Bob. How do you do?
BOB
I… I'm fine thanks.
INTERVIEWER
(EXPLODES WITH LAUGHTER)
“Fine!” Oh, that's so… so… so…
BOB
What?
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
“What!” How do you come up with this stuff?
BOB
Ah… I just…
INTERVIEWER
“Bob.” Brilliant.
BOB
…open my mouth.
INTERVIEWER
Cocoa, Bob?
BOB
Yes please.
COCOA BEING POURED.
INTERVIEWER
How is it?
BOB
Hot.
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHING)
You're killing me! Killer! Killer! What was it the Guardian called you?
BOB
Funniest man of the year.
INTERVIEWER
Of the century more like!! !
BOB
I'm not really that funny -
INTERVIEWER
Would you just excuse me a moment?
BOB
Um, sure.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, wait till she hears…
DIALLING.
INTERVIEWER
(INTERMITTENT LAUGHING THROUGHOUT)
Alvina! Guess who I have here? Bob Cox! I know right? And guess what he says to me when he comes in… He says… Wait for it… “I'm Bob.” Yes! “I'm Bob”! … Oh… I'm probably not doing it right… When he does it it's… It was “I'm Bob” right?
BOB
Yeah, I'm Bob.
INTERVIEWER
Yeah yes yes, that was the line, it's just that when he does it it's, hey, look I've got him here, why don't I just get him to do it for you?
BOB
Um…
INTERVIEWER
Would you mind?
BOB
What? !
INTERVIEWER
Here take my phone.
PHONE HANDED OVER.
BOB
I um, I-
INTERVIEWER
Say it! Say it! Go on!
BOB
I… I'm Bob.
PHONE PASSED BACK.
INTERVIEWER
No. No. Not really. It was better the first time. Ok, bye then. Why did you do that?
BOB
What?
INTERVIEWER
“I'm Bob.” That's not funny.
BOB
But you just said it was f…
INTERVIEWER
Now Alvina just thinks I'm stupid.
BOB
I'm sorry.
INTERVIEWER
What's meant to be funny about “I'm Bob”?
BOB
Nothing.
INTERVIEWER
“I'm Bob”… Ridiculous…
BOB
I agree.
INTERVIEWER
Don't use that in your next show.
BOB
I won't.
INTERVIEWER
Right.
BOB
Right.
- AD BREAK -
INTERVIEWER
Right. Tell me a joke.
BOB
What? !
INTERVIEWER
A proper joke.
BOB
Oh please don't make me do this…
INTERVIEWER
A joke, and then we get down to business.
BOB
Why… why can't Donald Trump draw a perfect circle?
INTERVIEWER
Uh… Haahh… I don't know.
BOB
Because drawing a perfect circle is impossible for any human being.
INTERVIEWER
How would you rate that joke on a scale from one to ten, one being the best and ten being the worst?
BOB hopeful
Nine?
INTERVIEWER
Nghhh…
BOB
That bad?
INTERVIEWER
I've heard autopsy reports that have been funnier. Want to have another go?
BOB
Not really.
INTERVIEWER
Have another go.
BOB
What… um… did one dentist say to the other dentist?
INTERVIEWER
I don't know.
BOB
We're both dentists.
INTERVIEWER
You know that thing where they say it's so bad it's good?
BOB hopeful
Yeah…
INTERVIEWER
Well that was just bad.
BOB
I'm screwed.
INTERVIEWER
Don't beat yourself up. You're having an off day. It happens.
BOB
An off month more like!
INTERVIEWER
Really?
BOB
I haven't told a decent joke in four weeks.
INTERVIEWER
You were hilarious earlier!
BOB
“I'm Bob”?
INTERVIEWER
No, not that. The other stuff.
BOB
What other stuff?
INTERVIEWER
I don't know. The other stuff. The ad-libbing. You were funny.
BOB
No I wasn't.
INTERVIEWER
Yes you were.
BOB
No I wasn't.
INTERVIEWER
Yes you were.
BOB
No I wasn't.
INTERVIEWER
Yes you- Oh my God, you weren't were you?
BOB
No. It's just you didn't know yet.
INTERVIEWER
Didn't know what?
BOB
That I'd lost my sense of humour.
INTERVIEWER
Now that's funny!
BOB
No it's not.
INTERVIEWER
On a scale of one to ten I'd put it at-
BOB
It's not funny!
INTERVIEWER
Bob Cox has lost his sense of humour!
BOB
Shhhhh! Nobody is allowed to know that!
INTERVIEWER
Tell me a joke.
BOB
What?
INTERVIEWER
Tell me a joke.
BOB
No way.
INTERVIEWER
Joke! Joke! Joke! Joke! Joke!
BOB
What's red and smells of blue paint?
INTERVIEWER
I don't know…
BOB
Red paint.
INTERVIEWER
Ohhhhhh! My God! That's bad! How did this happen?
BOB
I just woke up and realised something was missing.
INTERVIEWER
No, no, no, no, no, how can a talent like yours just disappear?
BOB
I don't know…
INTERVIEWER
Well, it's not possible…
BOB
You heard me! I suck!
INTERVIEWER
Indeed.
BOB
Luckily no-one's noticed yet.
INTERVIEWER
How can no-one have noticed? My five year old niece does better knock knock jokes than that.
BOB
Well people are just so used to finding me funny, they're in stitches whatever I say. As long as I keep the exchanges short, they don't notice.
INTERVIEWER
Well tickle my belly and dip me in jelly!
BOB
I just grin, do the wink, and people think I'm saying something witty. It's not going to get me through a two hour show though…
INTERVIEWER
Just stick to the script and you'll be-
BOB
I don't do scripts! I just walk out on stage and riff! That's what they love! Every show is different!
INTERVIEWER
Wow! Live at the Apollo… that was all…
BOB
All improvised, yes. It's the one thing I've always been able to rely on. The jokes, they just come. Even when I don't want them to. Even when it's inappropriate. At my aunt's funeral I'd planned a real tear-jerker of a eulogy, but I had them rolling in the pews.
INTERVIEWER
I have the solution.
BOB
You do?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Cocoa.
BOB
Cocoa? Wh… How's that going to-
INTERVIEWER
This isn't just any old cocoa. This is cocoa from Les Deux Magots in Paris.
BOB
What is Les Deux Ma-
INTERVIEWER
It helped Brecht and Hemingway through many a writer's block.
POURING.
INTERVIEWER
It's a lubricant for the imagination, as energising as a jog down Champs Élysées and as stimulating as Brigitte Bardot sucking a lollipop. Now. Close your eyes. Clear your mind. Sit back. And sip.
BOB SIPS.
INTERVIEWER
Don't forget to “ah”.
BOB
Ah…
INTERVIEWER
Another sip.
BOB
Ah…
INTERVIEWER
One more time. This time with feeling.
BOB
Ahhhhhh…
INTERVIEWER
Yes! Now. Tell me a joke.
BOB
Ha!
INTERVIEWER
I told you…
BOB
I've got one!
INTERVIEWER
Hit me.
BOB
What's bright blue, hangs on the wall and whistles?
INTERVIEWER
Ah… I give up. I don't know.
BOB
A herring.
INTERVIEWER
(STARTS LAUGHING, THEN ABRUPTLY STOPS)
What?
BOB
Still no good?
INTERVIEWER
Well, it's just… a herring's not bright blue is it?
BOB
Um… you can paint it bright blue?
INTERVIEWER
But it doesn't hang on the wall.
BOB
You can nail it to the wall…?
INTERVIEWER
A herring doesn't whistle.
BOB
Shit, you're right, it doesn't work.
INTERVIEWER
Ok. I think we can safely say your talent has buggered off for good.
BOB
Oh, damn damn damn damn damn! You know what day it is tomorrow?
INTERVIEWER
Pancake day?
BOB
No. It's the Oscars.
INTERVIEWER
Right. I wouldn't know. I'm not a film buff.
BOB
Yes but I'm the host.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Oh! Oh no!
BOB
You see my problem?
INTERVIEWER
That mustn't happen!
BOB
There's no way I'm getting in front of those cameras tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER
Not with jokes about whistling herrings…
BOB
Which is why I need your services before it's too late.
INTERVIEWER
Hang on… Slow down… You don't need our services. A bout of stomach flu should do the trick.
BOB
It's not just the Oscars. The week after, I play the Hollywood Bowl.
INTERVIEWER
Pneumonia then.
BOB
The week after that, I start a tour of Australia.
INTERVIEWER
A broken leg. Joey and Salvatore can help. It's on the house.
BOB
After that it's a tour of -
INTERVIEWER
Ok ok. I get the picture.
BOB
I'm booked out for the next three years!
INTERVIEWER
And you can't just, I don't know, quit?
BOB
What excuse would I give? There are fans in London, Oslo, Amsterdam and New York with tickets to see me. There's a Channel Four show in the making. There's a Children in Need gala to host. I've committed to an entire season of Have I got News for You! How can I turn my back on all that? No, it's all or nothing. I have to disappear for good. And before I make a dick of myself in front of George Clooney and Julia Roberts.
INTERVIEWER
Hmm…
BOB
You have an idea?
INTERVIEWER
No.
BOB
I need your help!
INTERVIEWER
This calls for more cocoa. Top up?
BOB
Yes, please.
POURING AND SIPPING.
BOB
Ah…
INTERVIEWER
You little chockie-chokie muse… Got it!
BOB
Oh, thank God.
INTERVIEWER
Here's what we do. You go to the Oscars…
BOB
What? No! Nonononono! I'd rather do karaoke dressed as a… a…
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
BOB
A… I can't end it!
INTERVIEWER
A hot dog? A lobster? A giant penis?
BOB
You make it sound so easy!
INTERVIEWER
Relax. You just have to get up on stage to kick off the ceremony…
BOB
No!! What will I say?
INTERVIEWER
“I'm Bob.”
BOB
“I'm Bob”?
INTERVIEWER
“I'm Bob.” Do the wink. They'll laugh. They'll applaud. Maybe even some cheers. Trust me.
BOB
Sure… sure… but then what?
INTERVIEWER
Then a spotlight comes crashing down on your head.
BOB
Wow. You can do that?
INTERVIEWER
“I'm Bob.” That's our cue.
BOB
“I'm Bob.” Crash!
INTERVIEWER
You'll actually be giving the organisers their money's worth. That's an opening nobody will forget! You'll make your fee out to Amelia of course…
BOB
Of course…
INTERVIEWER
Now, what would you like to do in your new life?
BOB
Something that doesn't require a sense of humour.
INTERVIEWER
Well, let me check the catalogue…
FLIPPING PAGES.
INTERVIEWER
Hum… Ah. How about a tax accountant in Middlesborough? Does that sound dull enough?
BOB
Huh. Perfect.
INTERVIEWER
Then let's crack open the champagne. You remember the cue?
BOB
“I'm Bob.”
INTERVIEWER
“I'm Bob.”
BOB
“I'm Bob.” Crash.
INTERVIEWER
And Bob's your uncle!
POP OF A CORK - WHICH IS ALSO THE SOUND OF A CRASHING STAGE LIGHT.
EPILOGUE
ANSWER PHONE (FADES IN)
…hear back from us within the hour. If you do not hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
BEEP.
CECIL
(MAKING FART NOISES)
Heh. Sorry. That was silly. I just couldn't resist. That's the problem though. It's like a damn reflex! Talking of reflexes: What do you call a cow with a twitch? Heh! Beef Jerky! Heh heh. Eh yeah. Sorry. That were a digression. So here's the issue. Until about a month ago I was a sombre kind of guy. And that's why I became an undertaker. And then, one Monday morning I wake up and it's just gag gag gag. No idea how this happened and nothing I can do about it. Anyway, it turns out families of the recently deceased don't appreciate a gagging undertaker. I've pissed off so many people in the last four weeks, even Piers Morgan would be jealous. It all got to a head when I pointed out to that tough Russian dude, that he'd missed an opportunity for a pun on his wife's gravestone. Now he's threatening to hunt me down and make me dig my own grave. I need help! Call me!
