Episode 03 - part 01
[dog howling]
[herald] Four o'clock and all is well!
Actually, "well" is a bit of an overstatement.
"Acceptable" is more like it,
if you consider death, disease and rampant poverty acceptable.
Shut up!
Do you know what time it is?
4:01 and all is well!
Actually, "well" is an overstatement.
[woman] Shut up!
[jaunty tavern music plays]
-[all laughing] -Ah, wow.
What a naughty night we had.
I drank so much, I can't even remember if I drank anything.
I might not have.
You know it's a great night when we're still up to see the plague patrol.
Mornin', Princess.
I just got winked at by a corpse shoveler.
I don't want this night to ever end.
Well, then, madame, I have just the thing.
-[horse snorts] -May I interest you in a joyride?
Joyride?
Is that like a jolly trolley or a fun run or a tingle mingle?
Oh, he means that we steal it and that it's a bad idea.
If my dad found out, he'd kill me.
Ooh, boo-hoo.
Baby doesn't wanna get killed by her daddy.
I'm a chicken.
[imitates chicken clucking]
Hop on, boys. Unless you're chickens.
[demon] Ha!
[demon vocalizes and grunts]
Hey, that's Lady Lingonberry's carriage! I was stealing it!
Not on my watch.
I'm actually a more way careful driver when I'm drunk.
I assume that, just 'cause I've never... I've never driven before.
[chuckles] I'm having so much joy right now.
Get ready. Next week, we're gonna try arson.
[mimics radio static] We got a 619 in progress.
Suspects headed west on the royal highway.
Requesting backup. [mimics radio static]
[mimics radio static] Roger that. Git. Go on.
[donkeys braying]
Oh, foo. We're gonna to get arrested.
You know they prey on the weak in prison?
-At least, I intend to. -[woman gasps]
[woman] Whoo!
Ahh!
Please do not feed my vehicle.
[horse neighs]
[donkeys braying]
Hang on. I've got a bad idea.
[elf] What's bad about it? Oh, never mind, I see.
[all grunt]
-[grunts] I just love driving. -[all cheer]
I'm drowning!
I'm Elfo!
[woman] If anyone asks, just be honest and say she was alive when we ran away.
Some might say her cries for help were a cry for help,
but I think she was just being an attention hog.
Oh, no. We're locked out.
Okay, the trick to not getting swept over the waterfall is swimming upstream.
Got it. Now, what's "swimming"?
Okay, Elfo. You can do anything if you believe in yourself.
[screaming]
[splash]
It was so nice of that swarm of crabs to drag me ashore.
Anyone want this meat? I only eat it for the shells.
The perfect end to a night of grand theft carriage.
Whoa. That looks damn delicious. What the hell is it?
It's a super-rare fruit the knights brought back from their crusades.
A lot of people died for it.
It's like my dad's prized possession.
Sometimes he just stares at it longingly while he drinks vodka sodas.
-[slurps] -It's a lemon, guys.
It's what we feed children in Hell.
Come on, I dare you to try it.
Have they no respect for the Lemon Crusades?
Civilizations were decimated. History rewritten. Maps redrawn.
To be fair, sire, you were never going to eat it.
Yeah, I heard it was sour. I don't care for sour stuff.
I care about Bean.
She's out of control and I've tried everything.
Yelling, screaming, everything.
Ah, to think all the classy old bats in this family led right to Bean.
Carousing, taking her clothes off every chance she gets.
Doing God knows what with that elf.
[groans]
Bean hasn't been the same since she lost her mom.
Ah, Dagmar, you were my perfect queen.
Regal. Kind. Talk all good and stuff.
Not like Reptilicus.
Huh. He thinks I am reptile?
[sighs]
I need some snakeroot to soothe my nerves.
[yelling]
[groans] You use your curtains to escape one time and your dad's all like,
"No more curtains."
You know, if you don't sleep for 72 hours, you become clinically insane.
-So wakey-wakey, nutbag. -[grunts]
Fine, but I'll need a little something to put the edge on.
[queen continues yelling]
I need "Oona's Little Helper."
Oh, does she have a friend like me?
No, she has no friends.
She has nothing in her life except a drug that makes her happy.
Now, let's go steal it.
Stealing from my stepmother's purse.
Is that who I really am?
It's exactly who you are.
You're the type to steal enough for your friends.
I'm kinda scared to try this. Will you guys peer pressure me?
Sure thing, buddy.
Seems our little emissary Luci
is successfully corrupting Tiabeanie's mind and soul.
Oh, is this the one where the cat and the elf are friends?
Jerry, leave the highballs and, I don't know, feed the peacocks.
But they don't like me.
I don't know. I'm not really feeling anything.
-Me, either.
-Me, either.
Me, either.
[echoing]
Meither.
Meither.
Meither.
Meither.
Meither.
[chuckles]
Meither.
What's happening?
Wow! My God, you guys. We should start a band.
[rhythmic clapping]
Yes! We sound amazing.
We'll fix up an old carriage and tour the country,
playing what we want to play,
never selling out, never splitting up.
-Elfo, you're out of the band! -What the hell?
We're a duo now. The fans didn't even notice.
Luci, you fell off a balcony. Were you pushed?
We'll never find out.
Dreams come true, 'cause I am a solo act now.
The fans love my voice. I have dreadlocks.
But then I shave my head like a true artist.
Why is the crowd booing? Oh, no. I'm the talentless one!
Elfo, you came back.
Luci, thought I pushed you-- We're together again.
Let's get out there. We're back on top.
Nothing can stop us now. Oh, no. I have cancer. What?
I dedicate this next song to the memory of Bean.
[rhythmic clapping]
[all cheering]
[grunts]
