Episode 01 - part 02
Kissy, you've come this far. Don't you want to see the outside world?
Elfo, I've never said this before, but I can't go all the way.
Elfo, no! It is forbidden.
I don't know why we keep that lever there.
[elf king] Elfo, I warn thee.
For centuries, no elf has ever left Elfwood.
-Except Leavo. -Speak no more of Leavo, Speako!
Please don't open it.
All will be forgiven as long as you obey the Jolly Code.
Ugh... Scribeldy-scrobeldy-screw the Jolly Code!
[Shocko] Wha...
I wanna taste something other than sweetness.
I want to cry salty tears,
learn bitter truths.
I want to take a big, meaty bite out of life and dip it in mustard.
Mustard, vinegar, anchovies? These are the ravings of fools.
[gate unlocks]
Take one step further, you're on your own.
No elf has ever returned, not even Returno.
Elfo, you'll die out there.
I'd rather die a big death than live a small life.
[owl hoots]
[gate closing]
Wow.
For the first time in my life, I feel completely calm and--
-[hawk screeches] -[Elfo screaming]
Personal demon.
-So, you'll do my bidding? -Uh, no.
I'm a princess. I can't do my own bidding. How are you even useful?
Okay.
Hmm.
You know that voice in your head that says to do the right thing?
I'm the guy yelling over it.
Yeah, I'm the guy that makes you feel good about doing bad things.
-You're like a terrible friend? -I never said I'm your friend.
[sighs] Look at this cake.
It's not even about me. It's about the stupid alliance.
Shame you're a princess and too dainty to do anything about it.
[door opens]
I think you'll be very pleased with the revised cake, Your Highness.
Nice likeness. Competent latticework.
Moving down, sugar columns seem structurally sound.
Back looks good. And just a cursory glance at the bottom tier.
And it says...
"Get Bent, Dad."
Isn't that... What?
Bean!
[both laughing]
[Elfo] Caramel can be a coating, a filling, or a candy unto itself.
Now, a cousin to caramel is nougat, which essentially is--
[grunts]
[plays melody]
Oh. Hi, I'm Elfo.
And you are?
Busy. We're at war here.
What's war?
[whistles]
[stomping]
[growling]
Wee!
Now we're meeting new people. [grunts]
Yikes.
Huh?
[shrieks]
[screams]
[gnomes yelling]
Hi, I'm Elfo.
Yeow!
Well, I like war, but I wouldn't say I love it.
[coins jingling]
Wha...
Ooh. [chuckles]
-I'm glad you can't see this. Bye! -Huh?
[ogre groans]
-Oh! -Ah!
Tonight is wedding night, so is time we had talk.
-I know I am not your mother. -Please don't.
-But I do have sex with your father. -God, Oona. Ew.
I do not need a sex talk from my stepmother.
Tonight, you will be expect to perform your wifely duties.
I mention because it was difficult for me with the tentacles.
I don't have tentacles.
Your husband will have tentacles.
Are you trying to say testicles?
I don't know. Just leave your eggs on the nightstand and get out of there.
[bell tolling]
Hmm.
[shrieking]
Man, I'm starving.
I should've grabbed one of those gumdrops when they were hanging me.
I'm Elfo, by the way. What's your name?
We are but humble people.
We have no names, but you can call me Farmer.
Our food is not flavorful,
but we humbly offer it for your sustenance.
Are you kidding me? This stuff looks amazing.
All I've ever eaten is candy.
Candy? Are you a king?
[scoffs] No.
Mmm. Mmm! Oh!
I am sorry our food will bring you no joy.
This is delicious!
I beg you, sir. We are far too humble to receive praise.
I can't help it. You deserve praise.
-We deserve to be beaten with our food. -[laughs] I would rather eat it.
-It's so incredibly good! -Now you've praised us too far.
-You must leave our humble home! -Get out, praiser.
Thanks again! It was delicious!
You're ruining our lives!
[man] Announcing King Zog, Queen Oona and... Who cares?
What do you see?
Ooh! Everybody got shoes.
How long is this gonna last? [shudders] I'm not exactly comfortable in a church.
[shudders]
That's communion wine.
-You could use some, though. -I really shouldn't.
Times when you really shouldn't are exactly when you really should.
Drinking wine with a demon. Not exactly the wedding day I wished for.
[snorts]
Hmm!
I'm supposed to be surrounded by people I like.
I don't even have my real mother.
Who needs a mother when you've got bridesmaids?
-No bridesmaids? -No.
-How about friends? -Uh-uh.
Only drinking buddies.
To drinking buddies.
Better than bridesmaids. Better than mothers.
I was raised by a pack of drinking buddies.
And I came out perfect.
Dearly beloved, as we stand here in this overly large building,
designed to make us feel small and inadequate,
we ask the invisible God we think is up there,
to watch over us if He, She,
or It is even capable of things like watching over us...
This religion is still in its early stages.
Nobody knows anything for sure,
but if I talk with confidence, you dopes will believe anything I say.
[both laughing]
Whoa! Pops.
[stammering] I'm just kicking back with my new cat.
Me? Ow. Meow. That's what cats say, right?
I'm not here to answer cat questions.
[Luci grunts]
Now get up and make your dad proud, you drunk.
-Are you trying to make a jerk out of me? -Yes.
Wow!
It's so small.
[chuckles] Oh, wait, I'm far away.
[organ music playing]
Do you, Guysbert, most Exalted Prince of Bentwood,
Slayer of Metallica,
take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Duh...
Okay.
And do you, Princess Tiabeanie, a single woman,
take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?
No!
Ah.
[crowd gasps]
