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Big Think, The Secrets of Sharing a Family Meal, with Bruce Feiler

The Secrets of Sharing a Family Meal, with Bruce Feiler

If there's one thing that all families have been told it's have family dinner with your kids.

And the truth is there's a lot of research that says it's great for children. The problem is that many people can't do it. A third of us are not doing it regularly. Americans ranked 33 out of 35 countries in terms of having family meals together. But dig deeper into the research and it's quite revealing and actually quite hopeful for parents. It turns out there's only ten minutes of conversation in any mealtime. The rest is taken up with take your elbows off the table and pass the ketchup. But it's that ten minutes that really matters.

So if you can have family dinner, fantastic. But if you can't you don't have to feel guilty or doomed if mom has to work late or junior has a sports practice. You can time shift family dinner – another idea taken from outside families that can help families. So have family breakfast. For a bedtime snack at 8:30. Even one meal – one on the weekends can have the same benefits. Let me mention just a couple of things you can do to reduce stress at the dinner table and a couple of things you can do to increase communication.

First of all let's talk about siblings who are fighting at the table, okay.

Sibling rivalry is a huge problem in families. As the father of twins I certainly know that. And the research shows if you give your kids a task to do, say ten minutes before they come to the meal time, that will remind them that they can work together and they actually get along. And that will have a halo effect and carry over to the meal time and reduce stress. So actually having kids set the table or help you prepare dinner – even a few minutes before dinner can actually make the dinner itself less stressful and more bonding. But the research clearly shows that families should spend less time worrying about what they do wrong and more time focusing on what they do right.

So what can you talk about at dinner that's gonna help your family. Here's two quick ideas. One, play a game called bad and good. Have everybody go around, say what happened bad to them and then go around and say what happened good to them. And here's the key. The parents should do it too. There's something about the actual task of parents showing that they have problems too.

That they have challenges – things that they're solving in real time that gives kids confidence that when they have a challenge they can overcome that challenge also. The second thing you can do – and maybe even should do is talk about your family history.

This is my single favorite tip from The Secrets of Happy Families. Researchers at Emory gave kids a Do You Know test. Do you know where your grandparents were born? Where your parents went to high school? An aunt or an uncle who had an illness that they overcame. Kids who knew more about their family history had a higher sense of self-esteem and a greater belief that they could control their own lives. It was the number one predictor of a child's emotional well-being. And as the researcher explained to me, these kids have a sense that they're part of a longer narrative. A big family that goes back generations. There are three types of family narratives – ascending.

We started with nothing. We worked hard. We have a lot. Descending – we have a lot. There was a storm, a war, a recession. We lost a lot. Or an oscillating narrative – we have ups and we have downs. And kids who understand that they come from an oscillating family history know that when they hit a rough patch – and it's gonna happen – they know, “Hmm, my aunt, my grandfather, my parents pushed through. I can push through, too.” One of the number one ways I've changed as a parent as a result of working on The Secrets of Happy Families is being less afraid to talk about my own failures and shortcomings with my kids.

If we just talk about our successes, we prepare them for a world where they're gonna only have successes. But they're not gonna only have successes. You want to prepare them for the difficult times and how to get through them. There's a lot that's conspiring against dinnertime right now with families.

So here's a couple of pitfalls to avoid. Pitfall number one is that devices intrude. Mom gets an email. Dad has to get up to take a phone call. No devices at dinner. There is a sacred time – 10, 15, 20 minutes where we're gonna be together. The one exception – you can Google at dinner. If a question comes up and you want to know the answer, pull out your device and Google it as long as you're teaching somebody something that can advance the conversation. Just don't take a peek at your email. Pitfall number two – parents do too much of the talking.

The research shows parents do two-thirds of the talking at dinnertime. If that what happens you're not taking enough advantage of the time together. So try to let your kids speak at least 50 percent of the time.

The Secrets of Sharing a Family Meal, with Bruce Feiler Die Geheimnisse einer gemeinsamen Familienmahlzeit, mit Bruce Feiler Τα μυστικά του να μοιράζεσαι ένα οικογενειακό γεύμα, με τον Bruce Feiler Los secretos de compartir una comida familiar, con Bruce Feiler Les secrets du partage d'un repas de famille, avec Bruce Feiler I segreti della condivisione di un pasto in famiglia, con Bruce Feiler 家族の食卓を共にする秘訣、ブルース・フェイラーとともに De geheimen van het delen van een gezinsmaaltijd, met Bruce Feiler Sekrety dzielenia się rodzinnym posiłkiem, z Brucem Feilerem Os segredos da partilha de uma refeição em família, com Bruce Feiler Секреты совместной семейной трапезы, с Брюсом Фейлером Bruce Feiler ile Aile Yemeğini Paylaşmanın Sırları Секрети спільної сімейної трапези, з Брюсом Файлером 与布鲁斯-费勒分享家庭聚餐的秘密 與布魯斯費勒 (Bruce Feiler) 分享家庭聚餐的秘密

If there’s one thing that all families have been told it’s have family dinner with your kids. S'il y a une chose que toutes les familles ont entendu dire, c'est qu'il faut dîner en famille avec les enfants. Se c'è una cosa che a tutte le famiglie è stato detto è di cenare in famiglia con i tuoi figli. 如果说有一件事是所有家庭都被告知的，那就是与孩子一起共进晚餐。

And the truth is there’s a lot of research that says it’s great for children. І правда в тому, що є багато досліджень, які стверджують, що це чудово для дітей. The problem is that many people can’t do it. A third of us are not doing it regularly. Americans ranked 33 out of 35 countries in terms of having family meals together. Les Américains|classés|||||||||| Americans ranked 33 out of 35 countries in terms of having family meals together. Les Américains se classent au 33e rang sur 35 pays en ce qui concerne les repas en famille. Американцы заняли 33-е место из 35 стран по количеству совместных семейных трапез. Amerikalılar ailece birlikte yemek yeme konusunda 35 ülke arasında 33. sırada yer almaktadır. 在家庭聚餐方面，美国在 35 个国家中排名第 33 位。 But dig deeper into the research and it’s quite revealing and actually quite hopeful for parents. |||||||||aufschlussreich|||||| Mais si l'on creuse un peu plus la recherche, on s'aperçoit qu'elle est assez révélatrice et qu'elle est même plutôt porteuse d'espoir pour les parents. Но если копнуть глубже в исследование, то оно окажется весьма показательным и обнадеживающим для родителей. Ancak araştırmayı derinlemesine incelediğinizde oldukça açıklayıcı ve aslında ebeveynler için oldukça umut verici olduğunu göreceksiniz. 但深入研究后，你会发现，这项研究颇具启发性，实际上也给父母带来了希望。 It turns out there’s only ten minutes of conversation in any mealtime. Il s'avère qu'il n'y a que dix minutes de conversation par repas. Herhangi bir yemek saatinde sadece on dakika sohbet edilebildiği ortaya çıktı. 事实证明，任何一顿饭的谈话时间都只有十分钟。 The rest is taken up with take your elbows off the table and pass the ketchup. ||||||||arms on table||||||| Le reste consiste à enlever les coudes de la table et à passer le ketchup. 剩下的就是将手肘从桌子上拿开并传递番茄酱。 But it’s that ten minutes that really matters. Ama asıl önemli olan o on dakika. 但真正重要的是这十分钟。

So if you can have family dinner, fantastic. But if you can’t you don’t have to feel guilty or doomed if mom has to work late or junior has a sports practice. |||||||||||condenado|||||||||||| Mais si tu ne peux pas, tu n'as pas à te sentir coupable ou condamné si maman doit travailler tard ou si junior a un entraînement sportif. Але якщо ви не можете, ви не повинні відчувати провину чи приречення, якщо мама змушена працювати допізна або молодший займається спортом. 但如果你做不到，你也不必因为妈妈必须工作到很晚或者孩子要参加体育训练而感到内疚或沮丧。 You can time shift family dinner – another idea taken from outside families that can help families. Vous pouvez décaler l'heure du dîner familial - une autre idée empruntée à des familles extérieures qui peut aider les familles. Puoi spostare la cena in famiglia - un'altra idea presa da famiglie esterne che può aiutare le famiglie. Вы можете изменить время семейного ужина - еще одна идея, взятая из других семей, которая может помочь семьям. Aile yemeğinin zamanını değiştirebilirsiniz - dışarıdaki ailelerden alınan ve ailelere yardımcı olabilecek bir başka fikir. 你可以调整家庭晚餐的时间——这是从外部家庭中获取的另一个可以帮助家庭的想法。 So have family breakfast. Ailecek kahvaltı edin. For a bedtime snack at 8:30. Saat 8:30'da yatmadan önce atıştırmak için. Even one meal – one on the weekends can have the same benefits. Let me mention just a couple of things you can do to reduce stress at the dinner table and a couple of things you can do to increase communication. 让我仅提及一些你可以做来减轻餐桌压力的事情以及一些你可以做来增加沟通的事情。

First of all let’s talk about siblings who are fighting at the table, okay. Tout d'abord, parlons des frères et sœurs qui se disputent à table. Prima di tutto parliamo dei fratelli che stanno litigando al tavolo, ok. 首先我们来谈谈在餐桌上打架的兄弟姐妹吧。

Sibling rivalry is a huge problem in families. |rivalité entre frères et sœurs|||||| As the father of twins I certainly know that. 作为双胞胎的父亲，我当然知道这一点。 And the research shows if you give your kids a task to do, say ten minutes before they come to the meal time, that will remind them that they can work together and they actually get along. Les recherches montrent que si vous donnez à vos enfants une tâche à accomplir, par exemple dix minutes avant le repas, cela leur rappellera qu'ils peuvent travailler ensemble et qu'ils s'entendent bien. 研究表明，如果你给孩子们布置一项任务，比如在他们吃饭前十分钟，这会提醒他们可以一起工作，而且他们实际上可以相处融洽。 And that will have a halo effect and carry over to the meal time and reduce stress. |||||||||übertragen||||||| |||||halo effect||||||||||| And that will have a halo effect and carry over to the meal time and reduce stress. 这会产生光环效应，并延续到用餐时间，从而减轻压力。 So actually having kids set the table or help you prepare dinner – even a few minutes before dinner can actually make the dinner itself less stressful and more bonding. ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||unión emocional ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||wiążącego 因此，让孩子们摆好餐桌或帮你准备晚餐——哪怕是在晚餐前几分钟，也可以让晚餐本身不那么紧张，增进感情。 But the research clearly shows that families should spend less time worrying about what they do wrong and more time focusing on what they do right. But the research clearly shows that families should spend less time worrying about what they do wrong and more time focusing on what they do right. Mais la recherche montre clairement que les familles devraient passer moins de temps à s'inquiéter de ce qu'elles font mal et plus de temps à se concentrer sur ce qu'elles font bien.

So what can you talk about at dinner that’s gonna help your family. Here’s two quick ideas. One, play a game called bad and good. Have everybody go around, say what happened bad to them and then go around and say what happened good to them. Demandez à chacun de se déplacer, de dire ce qui lui est arrivé de mal, puis de se déplacer et de dire ce qui lui est arrivé de bien. 让每个人都说一说发生在他们身上的坏事，然后又说一说发生在他们身上的好事。 And here’s the key. The parents should do it too. The parents should do it too. There’s something about the actual task of parents showing that they have problems too. 父母的实际任务表明他们也存在问题。

That they have challenges – things that they’re solving in real time that gives kids confidence that when they have a challenge they can overcome that challenge also. |||||||||||||||||||||||преодолеть||| |||||||||||||||||||||||surmonter||| Le fait qu'ils aient des défis à relever - des choses qu'ils résolvent en temps réel - donne aux enfants l'assurance que lorsqu'ils ont un défi à relever, ils peuvent eux aussi le surmonter. The second thing you can do – and maybe even should do is talk about your family history. The second thing you can do – and maybe even should do is talk about your family history.

This is my single favorite tip from The Secrets of Happy Families. 这是《幸福家庭的秘密》中我最喜欢的一条建议。 Researchers at Emory gave kids a Do You Know test. Des chercheurs de l'université Emory ont soumis les enfants à un test de connaissance. 埃默里大学的研究人员对孩子们进行了一项“你知道吗”测试。 Do you know where your grandparents were born? Where your parents went to high school? An aunt or an uncle who had an illness that they overcame. |||||||||||surmonté 一位阿姨或叔叔战胜了疾病。 Kids who knew more about their family history had a higher sense of self-esteem and a greater belief that they could control their own lives. It was the number one predictor of a child’s emotional well-being. And as the researcher explained to me, these kids have a sense that they’re part of a longer narrative. 正如研究人员向我解释的那样，这些孩子感觉自己是一个更长的故事的一部分。 A big family that goes back generations. 一个世代相传的大家族。 There are three types of family narratives – ascending. |||||||восходящие ||||||récits familiaux|ascendants ||||||family stories|rising in status There are three types of family narratives – ascending. 家庭叙事有三种类型——上升型。

We started with nothing. We worked hard. We have a lot. Descending – we have a lot. Absteigend – wir haben viel.|||| Decreasing in number|||| There was a storm, a war, a recession. |||||||economic downturn We lost a lot. Or an oscillating narrative – we have ups and we have downs. ||колеблющийся|||||||| ||shifting back-and-forth|||||||possess| And kids who understand that they come from an oscillating family history know that when they hit a rough patch – and it’s gonna happen – they know, “Hmm, my aunt, my grandfather, my parents pushed through. |||||||||||||||||||трудный период||||||||||||||| Et les enfants qui comprennent qu'ils sont issus d'une histoire familiale oscillante savent que lorsqu'ils traversent une mauvaise passe - et cela arrivera - ils se disent : "Ma tante, mon grand-père, mes parents ont tenu le coup". I can push through, too.” One of the number one ways I’ve changed as a parent as a result of working on The Secrets of Happy Families is being less afraid to talk about my own failures and shortcomings with my kids. |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||weaknesses||| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||deficiencias||| L'un des principaux changements que j'ai constatés en tant que parent après avoir travaillé sur Les secrets des familles heureuses, c'est que j'ai moins peur de parler de mes propres échecs et défauts avec mes enfants. Один из главных способов, с помощью которого я изменилась как родитель в результате работы над "Секретами счастливых семей", - это меньше бояться говорить о своих неудачах и недостатках со своими детьми. 作为一名家长，在创作《幸福家庭的秘密》的过程中，我最大的改变之一就是不再害怕与我的孩子谈论自己的失败和缺点。

If we just talk about our successes, we prepare them for a world where they’re gonna only have successes. Если мы будем говорить только о наших успехах, мы подготовим их к миру, в котором у них будут только успехи. 如果我们只谈论我们的成功，我们就会让他们为一个只会取得成功的世界做好准备。 But they’re not gonna only have successes. You want to prepare them for the difficult times and how to get through them. There’s a lot that’s conspiring against dinnertime right now with families. ||||working against|||||| Beaucoup de choses conspirent contre l'heure du dîner en ce moment dans les familles. Ci sono molte cose che stanno cospirando contro l'ora di cena in questo momento con le famiglie. Сейчас в семьях многое заговорено против обеденного времени. 目前，有很多事情阻碍了家人的晚餐时间。

So here’s a couple of pitfalls to avoid. |||||common mistakes|| |||||trampas|| Вот несколько подводных камней, которых следует избегать. 以下是需要避免的一些陷阱。 Pitfall number one is that devices intrude. |||||устройства| ||||||disrupt or interfere Le premier écueil est l'intrusion des appareils. Ловушка номер один - назойливость устройств. Mom gets an email. Мама получает письмо. Dad has to get up to take a phone call. Le père doit se lever pour répondre à un appel téléphonique. Papà deve alzarsi per rispondere a una telefonata. Папе приходится вставать, чтобы ответить на телефонный звонок. No devices at dinner. Никаких приборов за ужином. There is a sacred time – 10, 15, 20 minutes where we’re gonna be together. |||special||||||| The one exception – you can Google at dinner. Seule exception : vous pouvez utiliser Google pendant le dîner. Единственное исключение - вы можете погуглить за ужином. If a question comes up and you want to know the answer, pull out your device and Google it as long as you’re teaching somebody something that can advance the conversation. ||||||||||||pull out|||||||||||||||||| Если возник вопрос и вы хотите узнать ответ, достаньте устройство и погуглите, если только вы учите кого-то чему-то, что может продвинуть разговор. Just don’t take a peek at your email. ||||jeter un œil||| ||||glance||| ||||echar un vistazo||| Только не заглядывайте в свою электронную почту. Pitfall number two – parents do too much of the talking. Deuxième écueil : les parents parlent trop. Ловушка номер два - родители слишком много говорят.

The research shows parents do two-thirds of the talking at dinnertime. Согласно исследованиям, две трети разговоров за ужином ведут родители. If that what happens you’re not taking enough advantage of the time together. Если все так и происходит, вы не извлекаете достаточной пользы из совместного времяпрепровождения. So try to let your kids speak at least 50 percent of the time. Поэтому старайтесь, чтобы ваши дети говорили хотя бы 50 процентов времени.