Episode 04 - part 01
[man] Hey!
[grunts] You sure this is safe?
Yeah, the princess is almost never here.
You know, we could've just made out at the donkey auction. Yeah, but where's the thrill of that? I mean, don't you like it dangerous? Have you ever made out in front of donkeys?
Yeah, they get real judgey. [chuckles]
Holy crap, you're Princess Tiabeanie! No, I'm just a normal teenager, high on bread mold, breaking into castles. Then why is there a portrait of you?
[chuckling] What are you, an art critic? Shut up.
Sorry, Bean. I heard guys that go with you end up dead.
Who'd you hear that from? Get out of here, scribe guy.
"Embarrassed yet unbowed, the scrivener made his egress. But he would continue to listen outside the door, unbeknownst to the princess." Look, uh, maybe I'll see you sometime. [Bean] Fine, coward.
Your hands were all rough and sexy, anyway.
Go! Go use them on yourself or whatever.
[Luci] Fun night?
[sighs] I just want to do what everybody else does,
but I can't if they're all so scared of my stupid dad. Luci, you're my personal demon. What do you think I should do?
Eh, easy. Kill Zog, hollow out his corpse
and wear it around from time to time, so people think he's still alive. -[man screaming] -It's a perfect crime. Bean, you doing anything weird in here I should know about?
Yeah, just making murder plans with my cat.
Oh, that's nice. Good night, honey.
Oh, my God, it's always just gonna be me and my cat, isn't it? Our secret society meets tonight?
-No, not until the king leaves the castle. -The elf. Speak only in code.
We won't convene the cookie club until the asswipe leaves the castle. I couldn't help but overhear your secret conversation. Mind if I join?
-Yes. Yes, we do. -[door opens]
Hey, Sorcerio, how's that elf blood comin' along? I'm not getting any younger. Oh, you will soon, my sire.
Hi, asswipe.
[grunts]
Don't worry, my liege. His lack of blood has put him in a delirious state.
We'll give him a sedative. Hand me ten ccs of brick.
-[blow lands] -[Elfo thuds]
I love living where I work. I never have to leave.
And I never have to work. And people have to do what I say.
More corn. More gravy.
Bean, you ever see a guy eat a whole chicken?
Yes, yesterday, you.
Oh, right. [chuckles]
[clears throat]
These bones are getting caught in my throat. Fetch me some water.
I know I don't hydrate as much as I should, but is this what water's supposed to look like? It's fresh from the local well, sire. [flies buzzing]
I've already summoned the plumber. Good. I'd like to tell him I'm disappointed in his work. I'm disappointed in your work. Thank you! That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me! Trying to get me to drink this water like I'm some kinda idiot. What is this, my first rodeo?
What's a rodeo? What were we talking about?
Man, I'm thirsty. [groaning]
Oh, I'm dying over here. Oh, why did I behead everyone with a medical license?
We take Zoggy to a spa where I get waited on hand and foot.
Stay as long as you can, even if it takes the whole weekend.
People rarely recover before Saturday night.
Okay. But there better not be any funny business while I'm gone. You can count on me, sire.
And the rest of you, too. [groans] Odval, you're in charge. Keep your eyes on Bean and her weird friends.
Oh, neat. I'm gonna name them Winky, Blinky and Soul-Stealer. Please don't name my eyes. Hey, little guy, if I find so much as a misplaced hair when I get back,
I'll cut off your arm. Okay, but not my lucky arm.
Which one's your lucky arm? Okay, fine, both of them.
[Elfo] Mmm.
Come on. Go.
Don't let the drawbridge hit your ass on the way out. Ow!
The king may be ill,
but we mustn't let this grave occurrence weigh down our somber hearts. We must carry on and take comfort in prayer...
[laughing]
Oh, I've got to keep it together until he's out of the gates, at least. [Elfo and Bean cheer]
[all cheering]
[sighs] Them's good people. Okay, the one thing I do know is when your parents are out of town,
that's when the fun begins. Now, if I was a normal kid, what would I do?
Mmm, throw a party.
Man, I have wanted to throw one of those
ever since they were invented five years ago.
Wait. What are you guys doing? Zog said he'd cut off my arms. Sure, he said it. Did he mean it? We'll find out. Come on, man. Parties are where heroes are born.
Deals are made, wallets are lost, people hook up.
[whispers] Often the most regrettable hookups.
[chuckles] Oh. That's cool. That's cool. I can be somebody's regret. [chuckles and clears throat]
Yes! Okay, do you guys realize what's happening? For one night, we get to do whatever we want.
[gasps] I'm gonna drink flaming grog from a baby skull. I'm gonna drink milk out of my shoe. I already had milk in there.
-[groaning] -[bottles clinking]
Hey, welcome to the spa. I'm Chazz. I'll be doing all your body butters and light touching. What are these clamps for?
To hold you down while I talk to you. Now let me ask you a few questions.
-Does it hurt when I poke you like this? -Ow!
Good, good. Now, how does it feel when I slap your belly like this?
Ow!
Okay, last question.
Have you ever been clamped down naked on a slab
by a lunatic who doesn't work for the spa? What the hell?
Don't rattle the clamps. It enrages me.
Okay, first up, guest list.
No Dreamland dudes. They're too scared of Zog. Also, they're kinda plague-y and I just... I can't deal with lips falling off when I kiss people right now. Oh. Sounds like Bean may prefer a mysterious stranger
with olive skin and an unbridled sense of caution. [chuckles]
Bean, do you prefer Elfo?
That's not what I meant. But do you? Don't answer unless it's yes. Dude, decide what you want, drink till you have the nerve to go for it,
then keep drinking so the inevitable rejection doesn't hurt so bad. What do you want?
I guess I've always wanted to watch the sunrise with a girl I fancy. Ugh. Just say Bean. You want to watch the sunrise with Bean.
Well, stop saying what I mean.
Hear ye, hear ye! Where are my party people at?
There shall be, tonight at the castle, a wicked rager,
open to any in the kingdom who know how to rage wickedly.
[turkeys clucking]
Party tonight. But don't tell anyone. [fairies laughing]
You guys have a band? I didn't know you were interesting. Right now we mostly play corn exchanges,
but a lot of times, people look up from what they're doing. Wow, maybe someday you guys will play Cornchella.
[chuckles] Oh. Hey, guys. Has the party started
or is the kingdom's most eligible bachelor already here? I don't know. Has literally anyone other than you arrived?
Aw, I think he looks cute, like the mayor of Babyville.
Why do you always have to compare me to a cute baby? I'm a cute man. Aw, yes, you are.
[laughing] That's enough. Stop.
That's enough!
