Episode 05 - part 01
[man] Hey!
[Bean grunts]
Welcome to your new home, Princess.
You're late. Put these on.
Morning miseries begin at 5:00 a.m.
Wow. I thought Hell was bad.
[bell tolling]
Oh, man, I'm late for morning prayers! Come on, hurry up. Hide!
Relax, they'll never know I'm here. [yells and grunts]
Sister Tiabeanie, you're late again! Sorry, Mother Superior.
I didn't get a lot of sleep on account of my bed being a granite slab. Granite? Why does she get the good slab?
Princesses always get the best slabs.
Guys, I did not ask for this. Come on.
You throw one little party and Vikings take over the kingdom.
Who hasn't been there? [Luci] You have got to learn to read a room.
Sisters, do not be distracted by this heathen.
It's mealtime. Our soup of the day is hot dog water, and for that, let us rejoice.
♪ I am bad and you are bad And we are bad together ♪
♪ Humanity's a wretched lot ♪ ♪ ...wretched lot ♪
-♪ But God is slightly better ♪ -♪ God is slightly better ♪
Man, I'm gonna be humming that all day. -[all slurp] -[slurps]
-[all slurp] -[slurps]
-[all slurp] -[slurps]
-[all slurp] -[slurps]
-[all slurp] -[Bean slurps]
Oh, my...
Who is angering God with their unholy slurping?
You're doing great. Slurp harder!
[slurps loudly]
What? It's good. Sorry, I've lost track. -What are we praying for now? -Oh, for...
We are praying, Sister Tiabeanie, that God might see fit to help the poor.
If you want to help them,
why not just melt this God guy down and pass him out like coins?
-Cut out the middle-man, right, guys? -[all gasp]
Blasphemer! How dare you bring logic into God's house? Return to your slab!
Okay, sorry, sorry.
I don't know what's gotten into her. [all gasp]
You know, I would have left willingly!
Oh, hello, Bean.
I've had Sorcerio work up a special effect so smoke comes out my ears when I yell. Putting in the pellets, pouring in the vinegar.
Thinking about what I'm gonna say and... [yells] Jeez, it burns! This is all your fault!
Daddy, please, I've learned my lesson. I'll never throw a giant awesome party while you're away again. Aw! Really?
And I promise to never have another drink.
You're drinking right now. -Where did that come from? -[chuckles] You're welcome. Sorry. I'm done threatening you. You screwed up as a princess. You screwed up as a nun.
Those are the only two girl things I know.
You're a screwup, too. What about that tax on yelling that you had?
It came back to haunt me!
[coins jingling]
[chuckles]
-This ain't about my impulse control. -Or lack thereof, tubby.
[groans] That is it!
You're a pampered, irresponsible layabout! Whatever. I'll be in the spa room getting a hot emerald massage. [tuts] No, you don't, smart guy. 'Cause I'm banishing you from the castle. You're a good-for-nothing and you're good at nothing. And you ain't coming back 'til you appreciate all the money I poured into yelling at you.
Fine. I can make it on my own. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. Come on, guys.
[steam hisses]
Now it goes off?
Man, I can't believe Dad kicked us out. I can't believe he called you a worthless, bucktoothed degenerate. -He didn't say that. -Doesn't make it any less true. Who cares what he thinks? I don't need my dad's approval. Spoken like a true homeless teenager.
I used to be a princess, too.
What does Zog know anyway?
I'm probably good at so many things I just haven't tried yet. You know what? This isn't so bad. No, no, no. This is actually good.
This is an opportunity to start fresh.
I told you strumpets to stay off me block. Oh, Your Highness.
Bunty? Why are you throwing trash out your window?
This isn't a window. This is our trash hole.
We're far too poor for windows. We only just got a door when the horse ate the wall.
Didn't agree with him, though. Step around and come in.
[indistinct chatter]
[whistling]
Children, this is Princess Tiabeanie.
She's going to be staying with us until she realizes how good she has it. -Hello.
-Hello.
No, I couldn't impose, Bunty. It'd be taking precious food out of the mouths of your kids. Rubbish. We never turn away a hungry soul.
We've got this pot of stew here, and we can always add another cat. Mmm.
-[baby cooing] -Whee! [chuckles]
Wait, what are you doing?
Pig milk for the runty ones.
[Elfo] Mmm, mmm.
You sure we can stay, Bunts?
No worries. There's plenty of room since Allison went to a better place. -Oh. -No, she went to Twinkletown.
-Ah. -Where she was ripped apart
by street dogs.
-Oh. -They were puppies.
Aw.
Shame, though. She were only nine years old,
just a year from retirement.
-She had a job? -They all got jobs.
I'm a midwife. Excuse me for a moment.
Oh!
[crying]
Uh-uh. If you can cry, you can work.
Oh, my God, jobs. That's what people do all day! All right.
Well, I'm off to get my first job, guys. What's minimum wage around here? Two lashings an hour.
Gotta start somewhere. Elfo, you coming?
[Elfo] Nah, I kinda got my pants full over here.
More pow-pow on the bum-bum, please.
-[sheep bleating] -Just remember,
this job is easier than it looks.
Okay, guys, listen up. I'm gonna try out my sheep call on you. -[howling] -[sheep bleating in fear]
No, wait, come back!
[Bean howling]
Well, at least you kept them together.
Every time I turn my head away, something bad happens.
[crashing]
[Bean] What was that noise?
-Whew. I'm a good butcher. -This is a pet shop.
This isn't working out. Maybe I really am a good-at-nothing.
Good-for-nothing.
[groans] Even that.
[Elfo] Bean, don't feel bad. Sometimes being an adult
just means accepting that things take time. [burps]
Ooh, I would not kiss me right now.
I wouldn't worry about that. I'll never find a place to fit in. I'm just gonna crawl back to my dad 'cause I'm a loser who can't keep a job. Hey, if you're gonna crawl back, can I ride you like a horse? All right.
-[Luci] Giddy-up, Bean! -Whoa, there.
My apprentice has gone missing under mysterious circumstances,
but instead of looking for him, I could just hire you.
It's a real time-saver. I don't know, Stan. I'm not really good at anything. Do you like short conversations with interesting people?
I guess.
Great. I hope you don't mind wearing a uniform. Well, we best be heading to work. [laughs]
That's an executioner joke. You'll hear all of them in the first 15 minutes, then it's basically just human tragedy. [whistling]
I always wanted to be in the entertainment industry.
You know, in Hell, I was a communications major.
