Kapitel 3 (4) Chapter Kapitel 3 (4) Chapitre 3 (4) Розділ 3 (4) Chapter 3 (4)

”Det är snart dags att ta upp den, och jag tänkte det kunde vara roligt för Emma att få se lite mer av kusten.” It|is|soon|time|to|take|up|it|and|I|thought|it|could|be|fun|for|Emma|to|get|see|a little|more|of|the coast "It's soon time to pick it up, and I thought it could be fun for Emma to see a bit more of the coast."

Jag såg på Emma men kunde inte riktigt läsa av hennes ansiktsuttryck. I|saw|at|Emma|but|could|not|really|read|off|her|facial expression I looked at Emma but couldn't quite read her expression. Det kändes konstigt att stå här med Pau inne i mitt kök igen. It|felt|strange|to|stand|here|with|Pau|inside|in|my|kitchen|again It felt strange to be standing here with Pau in my kitchen again. För första gången på så länge. For|first|time|in|so|long For the first time in so long. Och jag tyckte inte om att det var Emma som släppt in honom. And|I|thought|not|liked|that|it|was|Emma|who|let|in|him And I didn't like that it was Emma who let him in.

”Vad säger du, Emma?” Jag hörde själv hur kort det lät, men kunde inte komma på något mer, eller något annat. What|do you say|you|Emma|I|heard|myself|how|short|it|sounded|but|could|not|come|up with|something|more|or|something|else "What do you say, Emma?" I could hear how short it sounded, but I couldn't think of anything more, or anything else.

Det kändes som om det tog lite för lång tid innan hon svarade. It|felt|as if|whether|it|took|a little|too|long|time|before|she|answered It felt like it took a little too long for her to respond.

”Åh, jag vet inte. Oh|I|know|not "Oh, I don't know. Jag vill inte att ni ska känna att ni måste ta hand om mig. I|want|not|that|you (plural)|should|feel|that|you (plural)|must|take|care|of|me I don't want you to feel that you have to take care of me. Jag är glad att bara strosa omkring här …” I|am|happy|to|just|stroll|around|here I'm happy just to stroll around here..."

”Det är inte alls något besvär. It|is|not|at all|any|trouble "It's not a hassle at all. Både båten och jag behöver komma ut en sista gång i år. Both|the boat|and|I|need|to go|out|one|last|time|in|year Both the boat and I need to get out one last time this year. Ni kan välja vilken dag som passar. You|can|choose|which|day|that|suits You can choose any day that suits you. Vi kan ta med lunch och ankra upp i någon vik. ||||||ankkuroimme|||| We|can|take|with|lunch|and|anchor|up|in|some|bay We can bring lunch and anchor in a bay. Vädret ska hålla i sig till efter helgen, tror jag.” The weather|will|hold|in|itself|until|after|the weekend|I think|I The weather should last until after the weekend, I think."

Vi såg på varandra, Emma och jag. We|looked|at|each other|Emma|and|I We looked at each other, Emma and I. Jag undrade vad hon tänkte. I|wondered|what|she|thought I wondered what she was thinking. Om hon liksom jag vägde fördelen med att ha sällskap av en tredje person och slippa dras in i plågsamma närgångna samtal, mot ansträngningen att låtsas vara två vanliga systrar en hel dag. If|she|like|I|weighed|advantage|of|to|have|company|by|a|third|person|and|avoid|being|into||painful|intrusive|conversations|against|effort|to|pretend|be|two|ordinary|sisters|a|whole|day If, like me, she weighed the advantage of having the company of a third person and not being drawn into painful close calls, against the effort of pretending to be two ordinary sisters for a whole day.

”Jag tycker det låter fantastiskt trevligt”, sa hon till sist. I|think|it|sounds|fantastically|nice|said|she|at|last "I think it sounds really nice," she finally said. Hon log varmt mot Pau och plötsligt var hon min vackra lillasyster igen. She|smiled|warmly|at|Pau|and|suddenly|was|she|my|beautiful|little sister|again She smiled warmly at Pau and suddenly she was my beautiful little sister again.

”Då säger vi så! Then|say|we|so "So be it! Passar det i övermorgon?” Does it fit|it|in|the day after tomorrow Will it fit the day after tomorrow?"

Vi nickade. We|nodded We nodded. Och vi log. And|we|smiled And we smiled. Men vad vi egentligen tänkte behöll vi för oss själva. But|what|we|actually|thought|kept|we|for|ourselves| But what we were really thinking we kept to ourselves.

* Det var en vacker kväll med en varm solnedgång. It|was|a|beautiful|evening|with|a|warm|sunset * It was a beautiful evening with a warm sunset. Vi bestämde oss för att ta en promenad och sedan äta middag på någon av restaurangerna nere i hamnen. We|decided|ourselves|to|to|take|a|walk|and|then|eat|dinner|at|one|of|the restaurants|down|in|the harbor We decided to take a walk and then have dinner at one of the restaurants down by the harbor. Det var fredag och mer folk i rörelse. It|was|Friday|and|more|people|in|motion It was Friday and more people were on the move. Turister från Barcelona och Gerona som kommit över helgen. Tourists|from|Barcelona|and|Girona|who|have come|over|the weekend Tourists from Barcelona and Girona who had come for the weekend. Vi gick längs kajen och fortsatte ut mot Punta des Bou Marí. We|walked|along|the pier|and|continued|out|towards|Punta|de|Bou|Marí We walked along the quay and continued out towards Punta des Bou Marí.

Vi gick sakta. We|walked|slowly We walked slowly. Efter den fina dagen dröjde folk sig kvar på stranden. After|the|nice|day|lingered|people|themselves|behind|on|the beach After the beautiful day, people lingered on the beach. Ett par badade omslingrade en bit ut i vattnet. |||ympäröitynä||||| A|couple|swam|intertwined|a|little|out|in|the water A couple swam around each other in the water. Två mörka huvuden tätt tillsammans mot den vattrade ytan. |||||||vattat| Two|dark|heads||together|against|the|patterned|surface |||vicino||||| Two dark heads closely together against the rippling surface.

”Jag kan inte släppa det där du sa. I|can|not|let go|it|what|you|said "I can't let go of what you said." Att du aldrig tänker på mamma”, sa Emma plötsligt. That|you|never|think|about|mom|said|Emma|suddenly That you never think about mom," Emma suddenly said.

”Varför det? Why|that "Why? Jag menar, varför skulle jag tänka på henne?” I|mean|why|would|I|think|about|her I mean, why should I think about her?"

”Kanske för att hon tänkte på dig. Maybe|for|that|she|thought|about|you "Maybe because she thought about you." Jag blev alltid jämförd med dig.” I|was|always|compared|with|you I was always compared to you.

Jag skrattade till. I|laughed|to I chuckled.

”Det där måste du ha inbillat dig.” That|there|must|you|have|imagined|yourself "You must have imagined that."

Hon stannade plötsligt. She|stopped|suddenly She suddenly stopped.

”I hela mitt liv har folk sagt sådant till mig, Maria. In|whole|my|life|has|people|said|such|to|me| "All my life, people have said that to me, Maria. Jag vill inte att du gör det. I|want|not|that|you|do|it I don't want you to do that. Jag har inte inbillat mig det här. I|have|not|imagined|myself|this|here I have not imagined this. Jag vet det. I|know|it I am aware of that. Till skillnad mot dig var jag där. Unlike|difference|to|you|was|I|there Unlike you, I was there. Jag har levt hela mitt liv nära mamma. I|have|lived|all|my|life|close to|mom I have lived my whole life close to my mother. Och jag var där när hon förstod att hon skulle dö. And|I|was|there|when|she|understood|that|she|would|die And I was there when she realized she was going to die. Jag vet att hon tänkte på dig.” I|know|that|she|thought|of|you I know she was thinking about you."

Jag saktade ner, men fortsatte utan att se mig om. I|slowed|down|but|continued|without|to|see|myself|around I slowed down, but continued without looking back.

”Men du vet kanske inte vad hon tänkte”, sa jag över axeln. But|you|know|maybe|not|what|she|was thinking|said|I|over|shoulder "But you might not know what she was thinking," I said over my shoulder. ”Vad folk säger att de tänker och vad de verkligen tänker är ofta helt olika saker. What|people|say|that|they|think|and|what|they|really|think|are|often|completely|different|things "What people say they think and what they really think are often completely different things. Jag tror inte heller att vi kan styra våra tankar, även om jag önskar att jag kunde. I|believe|not|either|that|we|can|control|our||even|if|I|wish|that|I|could |||||||controllare||||||||| I also don't think we can control our thoughts, even though I wish I could. Så när du säger att du vet att mamma tänkte på mig vet varken du eller jag, eller kanske ens hon själv, vad det var hon tänkte. So|when|you|say|that|you|know|that|mom|thought|about|me|knows|neither|you|or|I|or|maybe|even|she|herself|what|it|was|she|thought So when you say that you know mom was thinking of me, neither you nor I, or maybe even she herself, knows what it was she was thinking. Det är ju inte heller nödvändigtvis någonting givet positivt i att man tänker på en annan människa.” It|is|indeed|not|either|necessarily|something|given|positive|about|that|one|thinks|of|another|other|human It is not necessarily something inherently positive that one thinks about another person.

Emma svarade inte, men hon hade kommit ikapp mig igen. Emma|answered|not|but|she|had|caught|up|me|again Emma did not respond, but she had caught up with me again.

”Har du verkligen inga positiva minnen av mamma?” Do|you|really|no|positive|memories|of|mom "Do you really have no positive memories of mom?"

Jag svarade inte. I|answered|not I did not reply.

”Åtminstone några tidiga? At least|a few|early "At least some early ones? När ni var små, Amanda och du?” When|you (plural)|were|small|Amanda|and|you When you and Amanda were little?"

Jag stannade tvärt och såg på henne. I|stopped|suddenly|and|looked|at|her I stopped abruptly and looked at her.

”Nej, säger jag. No|says|I "No," I say. Jag håller minnena ifrån mig, för de är plågsamma. I|keep|the memories|away from|me|because|they|are|painful I keep the memories away from me, for they are painful. Jag minns mest frånvaro. I|remember|mostly|absence I mostly remember absences. Min hopplösa längtan efter närhet. My|hopeless|longing|for|closeness My hopeless longing for closeness. Efter kärlek. After|love For love. Eller åtminstone ett uns av uppmärksamhet. Or|at least|one|ounce|of|attention Or at least a hint of attention. Men mamma levde i en värld där det bara fanns plats för henne själv. But|mom|lived|in|a|world|where|it|only|was|space|for|her|self But mom lived in a world where there was only room for herself. Vi andra var bara rekvisita. We|others|were|just|props ||||scenografia The rest of us were just props. Av intresse bara så länge hon hade behov av oss. Of|interest|only|as|long|she|had|need|of|us Of interest only as long as she had need of us. Jag vet inte, men kanske fyllde vi någon sorts behov till att börja med, Amanda och jag. I|know|not|but|maybe|filled|we|some|sort of|need|to|to|start|with|Amanda|and|I I don't know, but maybe we were filling some kind of need to begin with, Amanda and I. Jag har sett kort på oss när vi var små. I|have|seen|a photo|of|us|when|we|were|small I have seen pictures of us when we were little. Fint klädda och kammade, som på utställning. Nicely|dressed|and|combed|like|at|exhibition Nicely dressed and combed, like at an exhibition. För att beundras, kanske. To|be admired|admired|perhaps To be admired, perhaps. Som dockor eller prydnadssaker. Like|dolls|or|ornaments Like dolls or trinkets.

Kanske till och med pappa bara var en accessoar. ||||||||asuste Maybe|even|and|with|dad|just|was|an|accessory Maybe even dad was just an accessory. Eller i alla fall hans oändliga obesvarade kärlek. Or|in|all|cases|his|infinite|unanswered|love Or at least his endless unrequited love. Kanske lyckades vi se ut som en liten lycklig familj någon tid. Maybe|managed|we|look|like|as|a|little|happy|family|some|time Maybe we managed to look like a small happy family for a while. Jag minns det i så fall inte. I|remember|it|in|so|case|not I don't remember it if we did. Och som du vet var mammas intresse flyktigt. And|as|you|know|was|mom's|interest|fleeting And as you know, mom's interest was fleeting. Jag såg ju hur allt verkade börja om när du föddes. I|saw|of course|how|everything|seemed|to begin|again|when|you|were born I saw how everything seemed to start over when you were born. Hur vackert allt skulle vara. How|beautiful|everything|would|be How beautiful everything would be.

Då fanns det ju pengar också. Then|were|it|of course|money|also Then there was money too. Men jag tror jag förstod hur fort mammas intresse svalnade igen. But|I|think|I|understood|how|quickly|mom's|interest|cooled|again But I think I realized how quickly my mother's interest cooled again. Hur snart grälen började. ||riita| How|soon|arguments|started ||litigio| How soon the quarrel started. Och hur snart din pappa började se på mig. And|how|soon|your|dad|started|to look|at|me And how soon your dad started looking at me. Komma och sätta sig på min sängkant för att säga gonatt. Come|and|sit|yourself|on|my|bed edge|to|to|say|goodnight Come and sit on my bedside to say goodnight. Hans äckliga tårar och böner om lite tröst i ensamheten. His|disgusting|tears|and|prayers|for|a little|comfort|in|loneliness His disgusting tears and prayers for some comfort in loneliness. Hans blöta kyssar. His|wet|kisses His wet kisses. Det var avskyvärt.” It|was|disgusting It was disgusting."

Jag hade svårt att andas. I|had|difficult|to|breathe I had difficulty breathing. Det var precis det här jag fasat för. It|was|exactly|this|here|I|feared|for This is exactly what I was dreading. Bestämt mig för att undvika till varje pris. Determined|myself|to|avoid|avoid|at|every|cost I had decided to avoid it at all costs.

”Innan du kom klarade vi oss, Amanda och jag. Before|you|came|managed|we|ourselves|Amanda|and|I "Before you came, Amanda and I managed. Vi var ensamma, men vi hade varandra. We|were|alone|but|we|had|each other We were alone, but we had each other. Och vi hade pappa. And|we|had|dad And we had Dad. Och under några år hade vi farfar. And|for|a few|years|had|we|grandfather And for a few years we had Grandpa. Vi hade sommarlov hos honom i Dalarna. We|had|summer vacation|at|his|in|Dalarna We had summer vacation with him in Dalarna. Vi hade ljuspunkter. We|had|bright spots We had bright spots. Men det mörknade snabbt.” But|it|darkened|quickly But it quickly got dark."

”Jag tyckte alltid att det var ljust när jag var med Amanda och dig.” I|thought|always|that|it|was|bright|when|I|was|with|Amanda|and|you I always thought it was bright when I was with Amanda and you.

”Nu när jag tänker på den där tiden – något jag hoppats slippa göra någonsin igen – ser jag ju sådant som jag inte kunde se då. Now|when|I|think|about|that|there|time|something|I|had hoped|to avoid|doing|ever|again|see|I|after all|such things|that|I|not|could|see|then "Now that I think about that time – something I had hoped to never have to do again – I see things that I couldn't see then. Jag ser att du var liten och oskyldig. I|see|that|you|were|small|and|innocent I see that you were small and innocent. Och jag ser att du hade det lika svårt som Amanda och jag. And|I|see|that|you|had|it|equally|hard|as|Amanda|and|I And I can see that you had it as hard as Amanda and I did. Ja, värre, tror jag. Yes|worse|I think|I Yes, worse, I think. Ensammare Jag ser det, men det ändrar ingenting. More alone|I|see|it|but|it|changes|nothing Lonelier I see it, but it changes nothing. Jag kan inte ändra på hur jag känner.” I|can|not|change|on|how|I|feel I can't change how I feel."

Det kändes som om jag inte kunde sluta. It|felt|as if|whether|I|not|could|stop I felt like I couldn't stop. Det var som om jag hävde ur mig ett enda långt försvar. It|was|as|if|I|heaved|out|myself|one||long|defense It was as if I was raising a single long defense. Men Emma gav mig ingenting. But|Emma|gave|me|nothing But Emma gave me nothing. Inga kommentarer, inga frågor. No|comments|no|questions No comments, no questions. Ingen reaktion alls. No|reaction|at all No reaction at all. Så jag fortsatte. So|I|continued So I continued.

”Det var som om mamma aldrig kunde se bortom sig själv. It|was|as|if|mom|never|could|see|beyond|herself|self "It was as if mom could never see beyond herself. Alla vi andra, vi var bara till för hennes skull. All|we|others|we|were|only|there|for|her|sake All of us, we were only there for her sake. Och bara så länge hon behövde oss. And|only|as|long|she|needed|us And only for as long as she needed us. Det handlade alltid om henne. It|was about|always|about|her It was always about her. Om hennes behov. About|her|needs About her needs. Och de var alltid någonting annat än det hon hade. And|they|were|always|something|different|than|what|she|had And they were always something other than what she had. Hon gick från plats till plats. She|walked|from|place|to|place She went from place to place. Från man till man. From|man|to|man From man to man. Och längs vägen låg vi strödda, alla vi som hon inte längre hade något behov av. And|along|the road|lay|we|scattered|all|we|who|she|not|longer|had|any|need|of And along the way, we were scattered, all of us whom she no longer had any need for. Du och jag. You|and|I You and I. Och både din pappa och min. And|both|your|dad|and|my And both your dad and mine. Och alla de andra männen. And|all|the|other|men And all the other men. Vi låg där allihop. We|lay|there|all together We lay there all of us. All den kärlek hon inte kunde eller ville ta till sig. All|the|love|she|not|could|or|wanted|take|to|herself All the love she could not or did not want to accept. Jag tror inte hennes rastlösa jakt tog slut förrän hon dog.” I|believe|not|her|restless|hunt|took|end|until|she|died I don't think her restless search ended until she died.

Vi gick en stund i tystnad. We|walked|a|while|in|silence We walked for a while in silence.

”Så länge jag hade Amanda klarade jag mig ändå. As|long|I|had|Amanda|managed|I|myself|anyway "As long as I had Amanda, I was fine. Det vi hade var för evigt. What|we|had|was|for|forever What we had was forever. Ingenting kunde hota vår kärlek. Nothing|could|threaten|our|love Nothing could threaten our love. Sedan … ja, sedan insåg jag ju att absolut ingenting är för evigt.” Then|yes|later|realized|I|after all|that|absolutely|nothing|is|for|forever Then... well, then I realized that absolutely nothing is forever."

Emma stannade och lade handen på min arm. Emma|stopped|and|placed|hand|on|my|arm Emma stopped and put her hand on my arm.

”Du sa själv att vi ofta inte vet vad det är vi tänker, Maria. You|said|yourself|that|we|often|not|know|what|it|is|we|think|Maria "You said yourself that we often do not know what we are thinking, Maria. Kanske vi är ännu mindre medvetna om våra känslor? Maybe|we|are|even|less|aware|of|our|feelings Maybe we are even less aware of our feelings? Vad som påverkar dem. What|that|affects|them What affects them. Både du och jag kan se på vår mamma. Both|you|and|I|can|see|at|our|mom Both you and I can look at our mother. Men vi ser henne bara utifrån. But|we|see|her|only|from the outside But we only see her from the outside. Ur vårt perspektiv. From|our|perspective From our perspective. Kanske är vi lika själviska som hon? Maybe|are|we|as|selfish|as|she Maybe we are just as selfish as she is? Så fyllda av våra egna otillfredsställda behov att vi inte kan se henne som en människa? So|filled|with|our|own|unfulfilled|needs|that|we|not|can|see|her|as|a|human So filled with our own unfulfilled needs that we cannot see her as a human? Varken du eller jag vet just någonting om hennes innersta tankar och känslor. Neither|you|or|I|know|really|anything|about|her|innermost||and|feelings Neither you nor I know anything about her innermost thoughts and feelings. Hennes drömmar. Her|dreams Her dreams. Och som du sa, kanske hon inte förstod dem själv. And|as|you|said|maybe|she|not|understood|them|herself And as you said, maybe she didn't understand them herself. Eller kunde påverka dem.” Or|could|influence|them Or could influence them.

Emma talade så tyst att jag tog ett steg närmare för att höra. Emma|spoke|so|quietly|that|I|took|one|step|closer|in order to|to|hear Emma spoke so quietly that I took a step closer to hear.

”Kanske var mamma precis lika olycklig som vi.” Maybe|was|mom|just|equally|unhappy|as|we "Maybe mom was just as unhappy as we were."

Nu stannade jag helt. Now|stopped|I|completely Now I completely stopped.

”Men vi var hennes barn, Emma. But|we|were|her|children|Emma "But we were her children, Emma. Vi behövde henne. We|needed|her We needed her. Istället var det som om hon såg oss som någonting hon behövde. Instead|was|it|as|if|she|saw|us|as|something|she|needed Instead, it was as if she saw us as something she needed. Under en kort tid. During|a|short|time For a short time. Tills hon jagade vidare.” Until|she|chased|further Until she hunted further."

Till min fasa märkte jag att jag hade börjat gråta. To|my|horror|noticed|I|||had|started|to cry ||paura||||||| To my horror, I realized that I had started crying. Det tog all min kraft att försöka hålla tillbaka snyftningarna som hotade att tränga upp ur bröstet. It|took|all|my|strength|to|try|hold|back|sobs|that|threatened|to|push|up|from|chest It took all my strength to try to hold back the sobs that threatened to rise up from my chest.

Emma strök med handen över min arm. Emma|stroked|with|her hand|over|my|arm Emma stroked my arm with her hand.

”Jag tycker vi vänder”, sa hon. I|think|we|turn|said|she "I think we should turn back," she said.

Vi gick samma väg tillbaka utan att säga särskilt mycket mer. We|walked|same|way|back|without|to|say|particularly|much|more We walked the same way back without saying much more. Jag märkte snart att Emma verkade ha svårt att hänga med och jag saktade ner igen. I|noticed|soon|that|Emma|seemed|to have|difficulty|to|keep|up|and|I|slowed|down|again I soon noticed that Emma seemed to have difficulty keeping up, so I slowed down again. Eftersom jag just inte fick någon annan motion brukade jag försöka gå snabbt när jag var ute. Since|I|just|not|got|any|other|exercise|used to|I|try|walk|fast|when|I|was|outside Since I wasn't getting any other exercise, I usually tried to walk quickly when I was out. Jag hade ju inte heller någon att anpassa mig till och det höga tempot hade blivit en vana. I|had|of course|not|either|anyone|to|adapt|myself|to|and|it|high|pace|had|become|a|habit |||||||||||||ritmo|||| I also didn't have anyone to adapt to, and the fast pace had become a habit. Jag tyckte det var konstigt att det hela tiden kändes som om Emma behövde gå långsammare, men eftersom hon inte sa någonting själv frågade jag ingenting. I|thought|it|was|strange|that|it|all|time|felt|as|if|Emma|needed|to walk|slower|but|since|she|not|said|anything|herself|asked|I|nothing I thought it was strange that it always felt like Emma needed to go slower, but since she didn't say anything herself, I didn't ask anything.

Det var inte förrän vi ätit och beställt kaffe som samtalet kom in på mamma igen. It|was|not|until|we|had eaten|and|ordered|coffee|that|the conversation|came|in|to|mom|again It wasn't until we had eaten and ordered coffee that the conversation turned to mom again. Emma tog upp ett kuvert ur sin handväska och lade det på bordet. Emma|took|out|an|envelope|from|her|handbag|and|placed|it|on|the table ||||busta|||||||| Emma took an envelope out of her handbag and put it on the table.

”Du sa ju tydligt att du inte ville ha någonting efter mamma. You|said|clearly|clearly|that|you|not|wanted|have|anything|after|mom "You made it clear that you didn't want anything after mom. Själv tog jag bara några småsaker. I myself|took|I|only|a few|small things I only took a few small items myself. Varken Anna eller Jakob ville ha någonting. Neither|Anna|or|Jakob|wanted|to have|anything Neither Anna nor Jakob wanted anything. Det som blev över sålde jag eller slängde. That|which|became|left|I sold|I|or|I threw away What was left over I sold or threw away. Det var inte värt mycket. It|was|not|worth|much It was not worth much. Det här tog jag i alla fall med till dig.” This|here|took|I|in|all|case|with|to|you I brought this to you anyway.

Hon sköt över kuvertet till mig. She|slid|over|the envelope|to|me She slid the envelope over to me.

Det var ett halvstort, inte särskilt tjockt brunt kuvert. It|was|a|half-sized|not|particularly|thick|brown|envelope ||||||||kuvert It was a medium-sized, not very thick brown envelope. Jag kunde inte föreställa mig vad det innehöll. I|could|not|imagine|myself|what|it|contained I could not imagine what it contained. Och jag ville inte veta. And|I|wanted|not|to know And I didn't want to know.

”Jag sa ju att jag inte ville ha någonting.” I|said|already|that|I|not|wanted|to have|anything "I told you I didn't want anything."

”Du gör som du vill. You|do|as|you|want "You do what you want. Du kan ju slänga det oöppnat.” You|can|after all|throw away|it|unopened You can throw it away unopened."

”Det hade varit bättre om jag sluppit det helt och hållet.” It|had|been|better|if|I|had avoided|it|completely|and|altogether "It would have been better if I had avoided it altogether."

”Jag tog med det för att jag tycker att du ska ha det. I|took|with|it|because|that||||you|should|have|it I brought it because I think you should have it. Kanske du inte känner så nu. Maybe|you|not|feel|like that|now Maybe you don't feel that way now. Men längre fram. But|further|ahead But further ahead. Jag tyckte du skulle ha det.” I|thought|you|should|have|it I thought you should have it.

Jag tog motvilligt upp kuvertet och stoppade snabbt ner det i min väska. I|took|reluctantly|up|the envelope|and|stuffed|quickly|down|it|in|my|bag I reluctantly picked up the envelope and quickly stuffed it into my bag.

När vi kom hem gick vi upp på terrassen. When|we|arrived|home|went|we|up|onto|the terrace When we got home, we went up to the terrace. Det var ännu en stjärnklar kväll och jag lät bli att tända utomhusbelysningen. It|was|yet|another|starry|evening|and|I|let|be|to|turn on|the outdoor lighting It was another starry night and I didn't turn on the outdoor lights. Vi satt tysta i varsin solstol med filtar över knäna. We|sat|quietly|in|each|sun chair|with|blankets|over|knees We each sat quietly in a deck chair with blankets over our knees.

”Det hade varit lättare om Olof lämnat mig för en annan kvinna”, sa Emma plötsligt. It|had|been|easier|if|Olof|had left|me|for|another|another|woman|said|Emma|suddenly "It would have been easier if Olof had left me for another woman," Emma suddenly said. ”Om han träffat någon, menar jag. If|he|has met|someone|I mean|I "If he had met someone, I mean." Någon han ville ha. Someone|he|wanted|to have Someone he wanted. Som det var, var det istället bara så att han inte ville ha mig. As|it|was|was|it|instead|only|just|that|he|not|wanted|to have|me As it was, it was just that he didn't want me. Det fanns ingenting positivt i det för någon av oss.” There|was|nothing|positive|in|it|for|anyone|of|us There was nothing positive in it for either of us.

I den långa tystnaden som följde hördes havet nedanför, som ljudet av en evig trösterik andhämtning. In|the|long|silence|that|followed|was heard|the sea|below|like|the sound|of|an|eternal|comforting|breath ||||||||||||||trösterik|respirazione In the long silence that followed, the sea was heard below, like the sound of an eternal comforting breath.

”Du själv då? You|yourself|then "What about you? Ville du fortsätta?” Would|you|continue Did you want to continue?"

Jag kände att hon såg på mig. I|felt|that|she|looked|at|me "I felt that she was looking at me."

”Jag har älskat Olof sedan jag såg honom för första gången. I|have|loved|Olof|since|I|saw|him|for|first|time "I have loved Olof since I saw him for the first time." När du tog med honom hem, då på hösten innan Amanda dog.” When|you|took|with|him|home|then|in|the autumn|before|Amanda|died When you brought him home, that autumn before Amanda died.

”Men du var ju bara en liten unge då.” Jag hörde själv hur skeptisk, nästan hånfull, jag lät. But|you|were|after all|just|a|little|kid|then|I|heard|myself|how|skeptical|almost|mocking|I|sounded "But you were just a little kid then." I could hear how skeptical, almost mocking, I sounded.

”Barn kan älska lika väl som vuxna. Children|can|love|as|well|as|adults "Children can love just as well as adults. Kanske mer. Maybe|more Maybe even more. Djupare och starkare. Deeper|and|Stronger Deeper and stronger. Och mer beständigt. And|more|permanently And more enduring. Så var det i alla fall för mig.” So|was|it|in|all|case|for|me At least, that was the case for me.

Hon svepte filten tätare omkring sig tills hon var helt omsluten av den. She|wrapped|the blanket|tighter|around|herself|until|she|was|completely|enveloped|by|it She wrapped the blanket tighter around her until she was completely enveloped by it. ”Det var ett mirakel.” It|was|a|miracle "It was a miracle."

Jag såg frågande på henne. I|looked|questioningly|at|her I looked at her questioningly.

”Först var det en tragedi, förstås. First|was|it|a|tragedy|of course "At first it was a tragedy, of course. En tragedi i etapper. A|tragedy|in|stages A tragedy in stages. Först Amandas död. First|Amanda's|death First, Amanda's death. Den allt överskuggande ofattbara tragedin. The|all|overshadowing|unfathomable|tragedy ||sovrastante|incredibile| The overshadowing unimaginable tragedy. Så försvann du till Olof. So|disappeared|you|to|Olof Then you disappeared to Olof. Det var som om du successivt flyttade hem till hans familj. It|was|as|if|you|gradually|moved|home|to|his|family It was as if you were gradually moving in with his family. Inte i ett slag. Not|in|one|blow Not in one go. Först var du borta några dagar. First|were|you|gone|a few|days First you were away for a few days. Sedan blev det veckor. Then|became|it|weeks Then it became weeks. Tills jag insåg att du inte bodde hos oss längre. Until|I|realized|that|you|not|lived|with|us|anymore Until I realized that you were no longer living with us. Men då såg jag er ju i alla fall någon enstaka gång, dig och Olof. But|then|saw|I|you|after all|in|every|case|some|occasional|time|you|and|Olof But then I saw you at least once in a while, you and Olof. Och jag visste att du bodde kvar i stan. And|I|knew|that|you||still|in|the city And I knew that you still lived in the city.

Det var annorlunda än att veta att du sov i rummet bredvid, men det var i alla fall någonting. It|was|different|than|to|know|that|you|slept|in|room|next to|but|it|was|in|at all|least|something It was different from knowing that you were sleeping in the room next door, but it was still something. Du fanns, jag kunde stöta på dig. You|existed|I|could|bump|into|you You existed, I could run into you. Den allra sista gnuttan av hopp försvann när du lämnade Olof och reste. |||pieniä rippeitä||||||||| The|very|last|bit|of|hope|disappeared|when|you|left|Olof|and|traveled The very last shred of hope disappeared when you left Olof and traveled. Då insåg jag att jag hade förlorat alla dem som jag älskade. Then|realized|I|that|I|had|lost|all|them|who|I|loved Then I realized that I had lost everyone I loved. Amanda. Amanda Amanda. Dig. You You. Och Olof. And|Olof And Olof. Och jag förstod inte hur jag skulle överleva. And|I|understood|not|how|I|would|survive And I didn't understand how I would survive.

Det var som om du tagit med dig allting. It|was|as|if|you|had taken|with|you|everything It was as if you had taken everything with you. Det blev så tyst, så tyst i min värld. It|became|so|quiet|||in|my|world It became so quiet, so quiet in my world. Det enda som hördes var grälen därutifrån. The|only|that|was heard|was|argument|from outside The only thing that could be heard was the arguing from outside. Det var som om jag inte hört dem tidigare. It|was|as|if|I|not|had heard|them|before It was as if I had not heard them before. Men nu fyllde de hela lägenheten och jag kunde inte stänga dem ute.” But|now|filled|they|the whole|apartment|and|I|could|not|shut|them|out But now they filled the entire apartment and I could not shut them out.

”Jag hörde dem alltid. I|heard|them|always "I always heard them." Och de ledde alltid till de där besöken i mitt sovrum.” And|they|led|always|to|those|there|visits|in|my|bedroom And they always led to those visits in my bedroom.

”Du hade i alla fall mig, Maria. You|had|in|all|cases|me|Maria "At least you had me, Maria.