YOU vs THE BLAIR WITCH - Who Would Win? (Blair Witch Project Horror Movie)
You've been working pretty hard and decide that it's time for a vacation.
Wisely remembering that time you let your girlfriend talk you into going to Eastern
Europe for a vacation and you ended up fighting for your life against Valak, the Demon Nun,
you decide that you're going to play it safe and take your new, non-demon possessed girlfriend
out camping right here in the good old U-S of A. You pack up some basic provisions, head
out into the woods and with the help of your girlfriend you pitch a tent.
After that you find a place to set up camp.
The Maryland woods are prime Americana- fall is coming to North America and the leaves
are changing colors, turning from green to different shades of brown and orange.
The softly rolling hills look like carpets of color laid out in front of you.
You take in the sight next to your non-demon possessed girlfriend and thank your lucky
stars that you decided to take a nice break from the world out here in nature, where there's
no phone calls or fax sheets or evil demon nuns that make you yeet your girlfriend out
a window.
As darkness falls though, you feel it.
The familiar spine-tingling chill in the back of your neck, the presence of something...
evil.
It's out there in the woods, watching, waiting, lurking in the deepening shadows.
You try to push the thought out of your mind, convince yourself it's just demon PTSD, but
then you see it- a strange stick figure hanging from a tree.
It looks sort of like that one drawing of the naked man by Da Vinci, but made completely
out of twigs and far, far more sinister.
Then you spot another, and another, and suddenly they're hanging from the trees all around
you!
With that you know you can't lie to yourself any longer, you've picked the wrong vacation
spot- again- and now you're in a fight for your life against one of America's newest
legends, the evil Blair Witch.
How are you going to survive this one on one match to the death?
As always, to fight your enemy you must know your enemy.
The Blair Witch's true identity is that of Elly Kedward, an Irish settler that moved
to America sometime in the late 18th century.
She settled in the town of Blair, which would later be renamed to Burkittsville, in modern
day Maryland, and became a member of the local community.
One day though some children accused her of luring them to her home in order to draw blood
from them, and soon she was being accused of witchcraft because... well, because drawing
blood from children is a pretty witchy thing to do.
Whether Kedward was truly a witch or simply an amateur phlebotomist is unknown, though
what happened next in the story of Blair, Maryland seems to indicate that if Kedward
wasn't a witch before, she certainly became a real big witch after dying.
A trial was held and because being a woman back then was basically the entire burden
of proof for witchcraft, Kedward was banished from the village and sent into exile in the
middle of winter.
This was in effect a death sentence, as Kedward could not hope to survive in the wild in the
dead of a particularly nasty winter.
Accounts on how this exile was carried out differ, but some state that Kedward was dragged
out of town and tied to a tree to die of exposure.
Other accounts state that she was tied to a wagon instead of a tree, though that seems
like a waste of a good wagon.
Yet other accounts say that she was hung from a tree by her hands and had heavy stones tied
to her feet so that while she died of exposure, she would suffer a very agonizing stretching
of her body.
The town did its best to forget about Kedward, until the next winter when half of the town's
children vanished in the dead of night without a trace.
Amongst the vanished children were the original children that had accused her of witchcraft,
and to this day nobody knows if their accusations of her trying to draw blood from them were
ever real, or if Kedward's killing followed the same tragic lines as the witch hunt of
Salem, Massachusetts.
In that town several women were accused of being witches by young girls, and the accusations
were completely fabricated.
If Kedward wasn't a witch in life, after her murder she became one huge pissed off witch
in death, and her vengeance wasn't sated with the killing of several children.
The townspeople grew fearful of the woods and believed that they and their village had
been cursed by Kedward, which is a total witch thing to do.
They quickly moved away and the town was largely forgotten until around 1825 when a group of
people rediscovered it and thought, “It's free real estate.”
To celebrate all that free real estate the villagers threw a celebration known as the
Wheat Harvest Picnic, and at some point a young girl named Eileen Treacle wandered away
from the festivities and towards the local creek.
Accounts on what happened next vary, but several eyewitnesses claimed that they saw a ghostly
hand reach out of the shallow water and pull the young girl in, drowning her.
Terrified, the witnesses fled and Eileen Treacle's body was never found.
Several days later oily bundle of sticks clogged the creek, making the water undrinkable and
unusable for washing or cooking.
Animals who drank the water became ill, and a man from out of town who drank the water
died shortly after.
Fast forward to 1886, when an eight year old girl named Robin Weaver went exploring in
the forest around the town and ran into an old woman.
According to Weaver, this old woman's feet never touched the ground, as she floated a
few inches above it.
The old lady was kind to her and Weaver followed her to a house deep in the woods, leaving
her in the basement and promising to return soon.
Now, we know what you're thinking- who would follow a levitating mystery old woman to a
dilapidated house in the middle of the woods and politely wait in her basement as she asked
you to?
Well, it was a simple, far more stupid time.
When Weaver's mother realized she was missing, the local villagers organized a search party
and scoured the woods for her.
In the meantime with night falling, Weaver herself began to have second thoughts about
chilling in the basement of a weird old levitating lady's house and crawled out of a window to
run back home.
It's difficult to separate fact from fiction about what happened next, but when the first
search party never came out of the woods, a second party took off to search for the
searchers.
The men of the first party were discovered dead at a large, flat rocky outcropping known
as Coffin Rock.
Some accounts state that the men had been tied together to form a pentagram, and had
been mutilated and disemboweled while still alive.
When the second search party came back with additional villagers to collect the bodies,
the corpses were discovered gone with not a drop of blood left behind.
Fast forward to 1940 and a hermit named Rustin Parr made a home for himself in the Burkittsville
woods.
He soon became troubled by strange dreams of an old woman with long, elongated limbs.
Sometimes she appeared normal, aside from her freakishly long limbs, while other times
she appeared to be wearing a woolen shawl underneath which her body was a writhing dark
mass.
The woman implored her to sneak into town and abduct children, which he brought back
to the same abandoned house Robin Weaver had been taken to.
After collecting several children, Parr threw them a nice party complete with balloons and
ice cream cake, then returned them home safely to their parents.
Just kidding.
He tortured and disemboweled each child while still alive, in the same manner as had happened
to the Weaver search party.
Promised by the woman in his dreams that he would have peace from her torments if he walked
into town and confessed to his crime, Parr turned himself in and told police where to
find the bodies along with one survivor.
Parr was sentenced to death by hanging, telling authorities the entire time that the woman
in the woods had told him to do his evil deed.
At last we get to the modern day, where a series of really boring found-footage documentaries
hinted at the evil of the Blair Witch, and inadvertently kicked off a plague of terrible,
low-budget found-footage horror films that we have only recently begun to see an end
to.
So you're up against the Blair Witch herself, and she's not trying to get you to kill children,
but actively trying to kill you for intruding on her woods.
Also, she's really pissed off about having been killed herself centuries ago, and being
a real witch about it by refusing to just let things go.
How are you going to defeat her?
The Blair Witch is supernaturally fast, and though apparently not able to truly teleport
around from place to place she can definitely hustle- so trying to outrun her is going to
be a no-go.
She's also much stronger than the average man, and can either pin struggling victims
down or use witchcraft to hold them in place while she tortures them.
The most terrifying power of the Blair Witch though is her ability to mind control others,
either through outright domination of their minds as when she killed three college filmmakers
back in 1999, or through insidious demonic influence like in the case of Rustin Parr.
You're probably already having deja vu, and most of our fans who've seen our previous
You Versus episodes already know what this means: your first step in defeating the Blair
Witch is defeating your own girlfriend.
Listen, we know you worked really hard to get a new one after having to chuck the old
one out the window of an ancient Romanian castle when she became a thrall of Valak the
Demon Nun, but as you should know by now evil forces love to use the people close to you
against you.
And besides, we just told you about how the Blair Witch got a man to disembowel several
children- how well do you know this new girlfriend?
How much do you trust her?
Do you trust her with your bowels?
We thought so- time to yeet this potential witch straight off the nearest cliff.
But try to make it only a small cliff, just tall enough that the fall breaks her legs-
once you defeat the Blair Witch you'll break her evil spell on your new girlfriend, and
you can probably rescue her when she's over trying to put your insides on the outside
with a sharp knife.
Now it's just you and the Blair Witch herself- no loved ones or friends or accomplices to
turn against you.
Now, we can't scientifically prove this, but we're pretty sure that the Blair Witch's powers
are tied to the woods that she haunts.
We're forced to go off simple deduction here, as unfortunately anyone who might know how
her powers actually work rudely refused to tell anyone before being horrifically tortured
and slaughtered.
We know that she can drown people in creeks, and she can do that really creepy thing where
she surrounds you in weird stick figure dolls.
She's certainly a pro at gutting both men and children- but here's the thing, every
single attack took place in the woods.
There are zero accounts of her ever entering the town whose woods she's haunted for centuries.
It seems her evil soul is tied to the woods themselves, and that gives us one pretty good
idea for how to defeat her- if there's no woods, there's no more witch.
You're going to start the largest forest fire in history.
You're going to make California's yearly global-warming fueled fires look like a campfire.
You're going to make Bambi, the Lorax, Captain Planet, and Vice President Al Gore cry crocodile
tears as every single tree in Maryland goes up in flames.
Some would call this overkill, but for us we very much like our bowels right where they
are, nice and safely tucked inside our body.
If every woodland animal in Maryland needs to die and global warming accelerated by adding
trillions of tons of carbon to the atmosphere, then so be it- just take a cue from the Boomer
playbook and let future generations deal with the environmental catastrophe.
Right now you're waging scorched earth warfare- literally- against an evil entity out for
your blood.
Congratulations, you did it.
You finally defeated the Blair Witch and saved the world from both her evil and hordes more
of terrible found-footage horror films.
Now time to celebrate by finding yet another new girlfriend because you forgot you left
the new old one laying at the bottom of a cliff before you set the whole state on fire,
didn't you?
Hey, maybe the next one won't get possessed by an evil force and go all murder-happy on
you.
If you liked this video and want to see more, and let's face it, of course you did!
Then click on this video which is funny and entertaining OR this video which is entertaining
and funny.
We'll leave the choice of which up to you, since we know you're smart and clever enough
to make the right decision.
