Helen Fisher: Technology hasn't changed love - соmments
12:50Kelly Stoetzel: Thank you so much for that, Helen. As you know, there's another speaker here with us that works in your same field. She comes at it from a different perspective. Esther Perel is a psychotherapist who works with couples. You study data, Esther studies the stories the couples tell her when they come to her for help. Let's have her join us on the stage. Esther?
13:13(Applause)
13:21So Esther, when you were watching Helen's talk, was there any part of it that resonated with you through the lens of your own work that you'd like to comment on? 13:31Esther Perel: It's interesting, because on the one hand, the need for love is ubiquitous and universal. But the way we love -- the meaning we make out of it -- the rules that govern our relationships, I think, are changing fundamentally.
13:46We come from a model that, until now, was primarily regulated around duty and obligation, the needs of the collective and loyalty. And we have shifted it to a model of free choice and individual rights, and self-fulfillment and happiness. And so, that was the first thing I thought,that the need doesn't change, but the context and the way we regulate these relationships changes a lot. 14:13On the paradox of choice -- you know, on the one hand we relish the novelty and the playfulness, I think, to be able to have so many options. And at the same time, as you talk about this cognitive overload, I see many, many people who ... who dread the uncertainty and self-doubt that comes with this massa of choice, creating a case of "FOMO" and then leading us -- FOMO, fear of missed opportunity, or fear of missing out -- it's like, "How do I know I have found 'the one' -- the right one?" 14:51So we've created what I call this thing of "stable ambiguity." Stable ambiguity is when you are too afraid to be alone but also not really willing to engage in intimacy-building. It's a set of tactics that kind of prolong the uncertainty of a relationship but also the uncertainty of the breakup. So, here on the internet you have three major ones. One is icing and simmering,which are great stalling tactics that offer a kind of holding pattern that emphasizes the undefined nature of a relationship but at the same time gives you enough of a comforting consistency and enough freedom of the undefined boundaries.
15:32(Laughter)
15:35Yeah?
15:36And then comes ghosting. And ghosting is, basically, you disappear from this massa of texts on the spot, and you don't have to deal with the pain that you inflict on another, because you're making it invisible even to yourself. 15:50(Laughter)
15:52Yeah?
15:53So I was thinking -- these words came up for me as I was listening to you, like how a vocabulary also creates a reality, and at the same time, that's my question to you: Do you think when the context changes, it still means that the nature of love remains the same? 16:13You study the brain and I study people's relationships and stories, so I think it's everything you say, plus. But I don't always know the degree to which a changing context ... Does it at some point begin to change -- If the meaning changes, does it change the need, or is the need clear of the entire context? 16:34HF: Wow! Well --
16:36(Laughter)
16:38(Applause)
16:41Well, I've got three points here, right? First of all, to your first one: there's no question that we've changed, that we now want a person to love, and for thousands of years, we had to marry the right person from the right background and right connection. And in fact, in my studies of 5,000 people every year, I ask them, "What are you looking for?" And every single year, over 97 percent say --
17:04EP: The list grows --
17:05HF: Well, no. The basic thing is over 97 percent of people want somebody that respects them,somebody they can trust and confide in, somebody who makes them laugh, somebody who makes enough time for them and somebody who they find physically attractive. That never changes. And there's certainly -- you know, there's two parts -- 17:26EP: But you know how I call that? That's not what people used to say -- 17:30HF: That's exactly right. 17:32EP: They said they wanted somebody with whom they have companionship, economic support, children. We went from a production economy to a service economy.
17:39(Laughter)
17:40We did it in the larger culture, and we're doing it in marriage. 17:43HF: Right, no question about it. But it's interesting, the millennials actually want to be very good parents, whereas the generation above them wants to have a very fine marriage but is not as focused on being a good parent. You see all of these nuances.
17:57There's two basic parts of personality: there's your culture -- everything you grew up to do and believe and say -- and there's your temperament. Basically, what I've been talking about is your temperament. And that temperament is certainly going to change with changing times and changing beliefs.
18:12And in terms of the paradox of choice, there's no question about it that this is a pickle. There were millions of years where you found that sweet boy at the other side of the water hole, and you went for it.
18:24EP: Yes, but you --
18:25HF: I do want to say one more thing. The bottom line is, in hunting and gathering societies, they tended to have two or three partners during the course of their lives. They weren't square! And I'm not suggesting that we do, but the bottom line is, we've always had alternatives. Mankind is always -- in fact, the brain is well-built to what we call "equilibrate," to try and decide: Do I come, do I stay? Do I go, do I stay? What are the opportunities here? How do I handle this there? And so I think we're seeing another play-out of that now. 18:55KS: Well, thank you both so much. I think you're going to have a million dinner partners for tonight! 18:59(Applause)
19:01Thank you, thank you.
