Friends S03E03 2d
- Hi! - Hey, Phoebe! Hey, you know that guy who's been following me? I talked to him today. You talked to him? Are you crazy? Okay. First, I'm not crazy. And second, say it, don't spray it. Anyway, his name is Malcolm, and he wasn't following me. I mean, he was, but just because he thought I was Ursula. That's why he couldn't just come up and talk to me. Because of the restraining order. Not feeling better about Malcolm. No, no, no. He's not a kook. He's just this, like, very passionate, incredibly romantic guy... ...that just got, like, a teensy bit carried away, you know. And we just get along really well, and he is so cute. Oh, my God! You've got a crush on your sister's stalker. I'm just going to help him. You know. Get de-Ursula-ized. Like, you know. Like I did for Joey after he went out with her. I didn't stalk her, I mean... - I asked for the news, not the weather. - Sorry. - Hey, guys. - Hey, Mon. Joey, this is for you. It's blackberry currant. Joe, I got to ask. The girl from the Xerox place, buck naked... ...or a big tub of jam? Put your hands together. Joey, take your time with that. That's my last batch. No more jam? Well, what happened to your jam plan? I figured out I'd need to charge 17 bucks a jar just to break even. So I've got a new plan now. Babies. Well, you're gonna need much bigger jars. - What are you talking about? - I'm talking about me having a baby. - Are you serious? - Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was I was taking control of my life. So I asked myself, "What is the most important thing to me in the world?" And that's when I came up with the baby plan. Aren't you forgetting something? What is that guy's name? Dad! It took me 28 years to find one man that I wanted to spend my life with. If I have to wait another 28 years, then I'll be 56 before I can have a baby. And that's just stupid. That's what's stupid? I don't need an actual man. Just a couple of his best swimmers. And there are places that you can go to get that stuff. Down to the docks again? Night-night, Bing-a-ling. Night-night... ...Janice. Look at all that room on her side! You could fit a giant penguin over there. That'd be weird, though. Hug and roll time. I'm hugging. I'm hugging. You're rolling, and... Yes! Freedom! Except for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm. Okay. Time for the old tablecloth trick. One fluid motion. Quick like a cat. Quick like a cat. And one, two... ...three! Here's my binoculars. Great. You're doing great, you know. Real strong. Going strong. Keep going. These are my night-vision goggles. This is the book I pretend to read when I'm watching her in the park. And these are Mad Libs. They're just for fun. What's this? This is the log I kept, recording her every movement. You want to hear something from it? Not even a little bit. It's about you. Oh. Okay, then. "I met Phoebe today. She was really nice to me even though I'm such a loser. And when I was walking home, I thought about her a lot. It was weird, but kind of cool." Good. So, what were you thinking? I was thinking what it'd be like to kiss you. - Really? - No. See, that's just something I said now so that maybe I could kiss you. Oh, okay. No, it's all right. I just had a jar of mustard. Okay. Sperm donor number 03815, come on down! Okay, he's 6'2", 170 pounds. And he describes himself as a male Geena Davis. You mean there's more than one of us? You can't do this, Mon. All right. If you do this, I'm gonna... - You're gonna what? - I'm gonna tell Mom. Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right. I love you, but you're crazy. Why? Why is this crazy? - So this isn't the ideal way... - Oh, it's not the ideal...? Lips moving. Still talking. It may not be ideal, but... ...I'm so ready. I see the way Ben looks at you. It makes me ache, you know? Check it out! Jam crackers! Okay. All right, how's this? Twenty-seven, Italian-American guy. He's an actor. Born in Queens. Wow! Big family. Seven sisters... ...and he's the only boy. Oh, my God! Under personal comments: "New York Knicks rule." Yeah, the Knicks rule! Joey, this is you! Let me see. Oh, right. When did you go to a sperm bank? Oh, right after I did that sex study down at NYU. Hey, remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday? And that's how you bought it? No. That's what I was wearing when I donated.
