CHAPTER XXIII. THE COMEDY SETTING
"Dead, you mean," broke in Nash, "because otherwise he'll never be helpless." "I tell you, Nash," said the other solemnly, "I can make him helpless with one minute of talk. My problem is to keep that wild devil harmless while he listens to me talk. Another thing—if he ever sees me, nothing but death will stop him from coming at my throat." "Speakin' personal," said the other coldly, "I never take no chances on fellers that might come at my throat." "I know; you're for the quick draw and the quick finish. But I'd rather die myself than have a hair of his head hurt. I mean that!" Nash, his thoughts spinning, stood staring blankly.
"I give up tryin' to figure it out; but if he's comin' here and you want to keep him safe I'd better take a fresh hoss and get twenty miles away before night." "You'll do nothing of the kind; you'll stay here with me." "And face him without a gun?" asked the other incredulously.
"Leave gun talk out of this. I think one of the boys looks a little like me. Lawlor—isn't that his name?" "Him? Yes; a little bit like you—but he's got his thickness through the stomach and not through the chest." "Never mind. He's big, and he's grey. Send for him, and get the rest of the boys in here. They're around now for noon. Get every one. Understand? And make it fast." In ten minutes they came to the office in a troop—rough men, smooth men, little and big, fat and thin, but good cattlemen, every one.
"Boys," said Drew, "a tenderfoot is coming to the ranch to-day. I'm going to play a few jokes on him. First of all, I want you to know that until the stranger leaves the house, Lawlor is going to take my place. He is going to be Drew. Understand?" "Lawlor?" broke out several of them, and turned in surprise to a big, cheerful man—grey, plump, with monstrous white whiskers.
"Because he looks a bit like me. First, you'll have to crop those whiskers, Lawlor." He clutched at the threatened whiskers with both hands.
"Crop 'em? Chief, you ain't maybe runnin' me a bit?" "Not a bit," said Drew, smiling faintly. "I'll make it worth your while." "It took me thirty years to raise them whiskers," said the cattleman, stern with rebuke. "D'you think I could be hired to give 'em up? It's like givin' up some of myself." "Let them go, then. You can play the part, whiskers and all. The rest of you remember that Lawlor is the boss." "And brand that deep," growled Lawlor, looking about with a frown. He had already stepped into his part; the others laughed loudly.
"Steady there!" called Drew. "Lawlor starts as boss right now. Cut out the laughing. I'll tell the rest of you what you're to do later on. In the meantime just step out and I'll have a talk with Lawlor on his part. We haven't much time to get ready. But remember—if one of you grins when Lawlor gives an order—I'm done with that man—that's all." They filed out of the room, looking serious, and Drew concentrated on Lawlor. "This sounds like a joke," he began, "but there's something serious about it. If you carry it through safely, there's a hundred in it for you. If you fall down, why, you fall out of an easy place on this ranch." The big cattleman wiped a growing perspiration from his forehead and considered his boss with plaintive eyes.
"This tenderfoot who's coming is green to the range, but he's a hard man; a fine horseman, a sure shot, and a natural fighter. More than that, he's coming here looking for trouble; and he'll expect to get the trouble from you." Lawlor brushed his moustache anxiously.
"Let someone else take the job—that's all. A hundred ain't to be picked up every week, but I'll do without it. In my day I've done my share of brawlin' around, but I'm too stiff in the joints to make a fast draw and getaway now. Let Nash take this job. He's gun-fighter enough to handle this bad-man for you." "No," said Drew, "not even Nash can handle this one." "Then"—with a mighty and explosive emphasis—"there ain't no possible use of me lingering around the job. S'-long." "Wait. This young chap isn't going to murder you. I'll tell you this much. The man he wants is I; but he knows my face, not my name. He's been on the trail of that face for some time, and now he's tracking it to the right house; but when he sees you and hears you called Drew, he'll be thrown off again." The other nodded gloomily.
"I'm by way of a lightning rod. This tenderfoot with the hard hand, he strikes and I sort of conduct the shock away from anything that'll burn, eh?" Drew overlooked the comment.
"There are certain things about me you will have to know." And he explained carefully the story which Nash had told to Bard.
"This Bard," asked the cautious Lawlor, "is he any relation of old John Bard?" "Even if he were, it wouldn't make your position dangerous. The man he wants is I. He knows my face—not my name. Until he sees me he'll be perfectly reasonable, unless he's crossed. You must seem frank and above board. If you tell more lies than are necessary he may get suspicious, and if he grows suspicious the game is up and will have to be finished with a gun play. Remember that. He'll want to know about Nash. Tell him that Nash is a bad one and that you've fixed him; he mustn't expect to find Nash here." Lawlor rubbed his hands, like one coming from the cold outdoors to a warm fire.
"I'm beginning to see light. Lemme at this Bard. I'm going to get enough fun out of this to keep me laughin' the rest of my life." "Good; but keep that laugh up your sleeve. If he asks questions you'll have some solemn things to say." "Chief, when the time comes, there's going to be about a gallon of tears in my eyes." So Drew left him to complete the other arrangements. If Bard reached the house he must be requested to stay, and if he stayed he must be fed and entertained. The difficulty in the way of this was that the servants in the big ranchhouse were two Chinese boys. They could never be trusted to help in the deception, so Drew summoned two of his men, "Shorty" Kilrain and "Calamity" Ben. Calamity had no other name than Ben, as far as any one on the range had ever been able to learn. His nickname was derived from the most dolorous face between Eldara and Twin Rivers. Two pale-blue eyes, set close together, stared out with an endless and wistful pathos; a long nose dropped below them, and his mouth curled down at the sides. He was hopelessly round-shouldered from much and careless riding, and in attempting to straighten he only succeeded in throwing back his head, so that his lean neck generally was in a V-shape with the Adam's apple as the apex of the wedge. Shorty Kilrain received his early education at sea and learned there a general handiness which stood him in stead when he came to the mountain-desert. There was nothing which Shorty could not do with his hands, from making a knot to throwing a knife, and he was equally ready to oblige with either accomplishment. Drew proposed that he take charge of the kitchen with Calamity Ben as an assistant. Shorty glowered on the rancher.
"Me!" he said. "Me go into the galley to wait on a blasted tenderfoot?" "After he leaves you'll have a month off with full pay and some over, Shorty." "Don't want the month off." Drew considered him thoughtfully, following the precept of Walpole that every man has his price.
"What do you want, Shorty?" The ex-sailor scratched his head and then rolled his eyes up with a dawning smile, as one who sees a vision of ultimate bliss.
"Let one of the other boys catch my hoss out of the corral every morning and saddle him for me for a month." "It's a bargain. What'll you do with that time?" "Sit on the fence and roll a cigarette like a blasted gentleman and damn the eyes of the feller that's catchin' my hoss." "And me," said Calamity Ben, "what do I get?" "You get orders," answered Kilrain, "from me." Calamity regarded him, uncertain whether or not to fight out the point, but apparently decided that the effort was not worth while.
"There ain't going to be no luck come out of this," he said darkly. "Before this tenderfoot gets out of the house, we're all going to wish he was in hell."
