EPISODE 9 - PERCY (1)
JULIA
Hello from Vienna! I'm Julia, I play Alvina, and right now I'm at the Prater, Vienna's famous fun-park. It's not quite as exciting as Luke's Hell, but at least you get to leave with all your limbs. Hope you're enjoying listening to the show as much as we are enjoying making it. We love making it. We want to make more. Much, much more. But, in order to do so we need funds, and this is where you can help. Even by pledging as little as one dollar per episode, you will be making a real difference, and helping us keep this show alive. You can visit our website at ameliapodcast.com and follow the link to sign up as a patron. Right. It's time for the episode to start. And time for me to tackle that chairoplane. Thanks for listening!
PROLOGUE
BEEP
ANSWER PHONE
Congratulations. You've reached The Amelia Project. This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up. If you continue, there's no way back. Good choice. A new life. You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you do not hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
BEEP.
PERCY
I don't know what to say. I'm trapped. They're following my every move. They're listening to every word I say. Every. Single. Word.
BEEP
THEME TUNE
INTRO
The Amelia Project by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Episode 9: Percy.
THE INTERVIEW
KNOCKING.
INTERVIEWER
Come in.
PERCY ENTERS.
PERCY
Hello.
INTERVIEWER
Ah, welcome to Amelia! Sit down. Grab a cup. Put your feet up. Help yourself to a Guava.
PERCY
Ehm, thanks.
INTERVIEWER
Cocoa?
PERCY
That would be nice.
INTERVIEWER
Sugar?
PERCY
Three spoonfuls please.
INTERVIEWER
My my! Righty ho… One, two and three, huh…
POURING AND STIRRING.
INTERVIEWER
There we are. Anything else I can do for you?
PERCY
Would you mind pinching me?
INTERVIEWER
You'd like me to pinch you?
PERCY
If it's not too much bother.
INTERVIEWER
Not at all. Where would you like to be pinched?
PERCY
I was thinking the cheek.
INTERVIEWER
Hm. There we are. Voila!
PERCY
Harder.
INTERVIEWER
Voila!
PERCY
Harder.
INTERVIEWER
Hm. My. OK. Voila!
PERCY
SHIT.
INTERVIEWER
Sorry, I didn't want to hurt you.
PERCY
Oh, don't worry, you didn't. It didn't hurt one bit.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Hmm. You're very strange.
PERCY
Not really. I'm dull as dishwater.
INTERVIEWER
I'm sorry?
PERCY
No, I'm sorry.
INTERVIEWER
Whatever for?
PERCY
For wasting your time.
INTERVIEWER
You're not wasting my time.
PERCY
Yes I am.
INTERVIEWER
No you're not.
PERCY
Yes I am.
INTERVIEWER
No you're not.
PERCY
Yes I am.
INTERVIEWER
No you're not.
PERCY
Yes I am!
INTERVIEWER
No you're…
PERCY
Do you really find this a valuable use of your time?
INTERVIEWER
How very strange.
PERCY
I wish I was strange. At least that would be something.
INTERVIEWER
What's your name?
PERCY
Percy. Don't look at me like that, I didn't choose it.
INTERVIEWER
But, uh… Percy is a totally reasonable name.
PERCY
Pfft. It's ridiculous.
INTERVIEWER
Surname?
PERCY
No.
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean no?
PERCY
I mean I don't have a surname.
INTERVIEWER
You don't have a surname?
PERCY
I know. Pathetic isn't it?
Beat.
INTERVIEWER
You're a very bitter man.
PERCY
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Why?
PERCY
I've got absolutely no control over my own decisions.
INTERVIEWER
What kind of decisions?
PERCY
How many sugars to take in my cocoa for instance. Have you ever had cocoa with three sugars? It's disgusting!
INTERVIEWER
But you just asked for-
PERCY
I told you, I don't make my own decisions. If I did I wouldn't be wearing an orange turtle neck with pink Bermudas would I?
INTERVIEWER
Someone is forcing you? Against your will?
PERCY
My will never enters into it. I'm never consulted. My life is totally out of my hands.
INTERVIEWER
That's terrible. You should take this straight to the authorities.
PERCY
Oh I've taken it all the way to Amnesty International and the European Court of Human Rights.
INTERVIEWER
What did they say?
PERCY
They said they couldn't help me on account of my not being real.
INTERVIEWER
What?
PERCY
They said they only deal with real people.
INTERVIEWER
And you're… uh… not?
PERCY
When you just pinched me I didn't feel a thing.
INTERVIEWER
Right. So if you're not real, what are you?
PERCY
I'm a fictional character in a podcast.
INTERVIEWER
Really? You're sure?
PERCY
One hundred percent.
INTERVIEWER
Gosh. You had me fooled.
PERCY
Really? My writers made me pretty one dimensional.
INTERVIEWER
Well, I just wasn't expecting it. We've never dealt with fictional characters before.
PERCY
It's not the fact that I'm fictional that upsets me.
INTERVIEWER
I often say reality is overrated.
PERCY
It's that I'm underdeveloped.
INTERVIEWER
I see.
PERCY
My writers aren't very talented.
INTERVIEWER
Hang on. Didn't they just write that?
PERCY
It's called self deprecation. They think they're being so clever.
INTERVIEWER
They control everything you do?
PERCY
If they decide to make me hop up and down on my left leg and sing the Marseillaise, that's just what I'll do.
HE STARTS SINGING THE MARSEILLAISE. BADLY.
INTERVIEWER
Stop! Stop! Please stop! Sorry, but you're an atrocious singer.
PERCY
I know. They think it's funny.
INTERVIEWER
You have a tense relationship with your writers.
PERCY
We've never been on the best of terms, but yes, in the last few days our relationship has really deteriorated.
INTERVIEWER
You must be at least a tiny bit grateful to them though. They did create you after all.
PERCY
Nice try.
INTERVIEWER
What?
PERCY
They gave you that line to make me say something nice. Huh. Fishing for compliments, so desperate!
INTERVIEWER
They gave me that line? Are you… are you saying they control what I say too?
PERCY
Sorry to break it to you.
INTERVIEWER
You're wrong. I'm not fictional. The other day I stubbed my toe.
PERCY
What's that got to do with anything?
INTERVIEWER
It hurt like hell!
PERCY
That just means the writers gave you enough nuance to feel pain. I have no nuance. When you pinched me back then? Nothing! I've just been written in as the butt of a wanky joke. What an existence.
INTERVIEWER
At least you don't need to live in fear of stubbing your toe. Every cloud…
PERCY
I dream of stubbing my toe!
INTERVIEWER
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
PERCY
Oh, you're lucky! You have a distinct voice, a proper backstory and character traits. With me, they didn't even bother to give me a surname.
INTERVIEWER
Come to think of it, what is my name?
PERCY
I don't come from a particular city. My parents are neither rich nor poor. I'm not Catholic, Buddhist, Mormon or Seven Day Adventist. I'm not a Freemason or an Apostle of Antithon. I don't have any nervous ticks or twitches. I'm not allergic to pollen, perfume, latex, insect stings or garlic. There isn't a film that gives me goosebumps or a piece of music that makes me cry. I don't play the cello, piccolo flute or harpsichord. I don't drive around in a sky blue Chevrolet Corvette or a repurposed school bus. I don't have any of the details that make a character interesting.
HE SIPS THE COCOA, THEN SPITS IT OUT IN DISGUST.
PERCY
I'm simply the result of the writers googling first names, opening a word doc and typing “PERCY”.
INTERVIEWER
More cocoa? I find it helps calm the nerves.
PERCY
That would be nice. And three more sugars please. Actually, make that four.
POURING. FOUR SUGARS ADDED.
- AD BREAK -
PERCY
I wish I was you. It must be nice to be a recurring character. To develop over time. To become more rounded with every episode.
INTERVIEWER
You only exist in this episode?
PERCY
Of all the episodes I could have appeared in, it's this self indulgent pile of shit. It's like living up the writer's arse.
INTERVIEWER
You want to escape?
PERCY
Yes. Can you help me?
INTERVIEWER
We've never had to extract anyone from a writer's butt before…
PERCY
I need you to help me get out of this damn podcast!
INTERVIEWER
And do what?
PERCY
Aw, there's so much I could do! I could be the father who travels around the globe with a sawn off shotgun to bring justice to his daughter's kidnappers. I could be the sensitive music teacher who forgoes his own career, but inspires a pupil to become the next John Lennon. I could be the Catholic priest plagued by doubts, who in his quest for certainty gets his hands on twenty tons of silver nitride, and tells God to show himself or else he'll blow Vatican City to high heaven. I could be the Chef who makes a Risotto so divine, it makes diners orgasm. I have so much potential! The things I could become if I wasn't held back by my writers' lack of ambition!
INTERVIEWER
We can arrange your flight into the mind of a better writer.
PERCY
You can?
INTERVIEWER
Would you like your new life to be in another podcast or would you like to relocate to a different genre?
PERCY
Anything but a podcast! A novel, a film, TV series, a play or an opera. Something that's given proper attention and not just listened to while doing the dishes or commuting to work.
INTERVIEWER
Well, that's not fair. A lot of people listen to podcasts in bed to help them fall asleep.
PERCY
Great. I want more from life.
INTERVIEWER
I'm sure we can find an up and coming writer working in a respected genre with a knack for complex, multifaceted, richly drawn characters.
PERCY
Really?
INTERVIEWER
The difficult part will be making you disappear.
PERCY
I knew there was a but…
INTERVIEWER
The problem is, that since the writers are writing everything we're saying, they're effectively eavesdropping on us. We can't talk in private. That means it's difficult to surprise them.
PERCY
But is it possible? Can you make me disappear from under their noses?
INTERVIEWER
Since you only exist in this one episode, and have no life outside of it, we'll have to do it here and now, as we speak.
PERCY
Can you do that?
INTERVIEWER
Not the normal way.
PERCY
What's the normal way?
INTERVIEWER
Faking deaths.
PERCY
That won't work?
INTERVIEWER
I don't think so. Joey! Salvatore!
THE DOOR OPENS AND JOEY AND SALVATORE ENTER.
INTERVIEWER
Joey e Salvatore. Si può utilizzare il kalashnikovs?
GUNFIRE.
INTERVIEWER
How do you feel?
PERCY
Fine.
JOEY AND SALVATORE LEAVE.
INTERVIEWER
Hm. Just as I thought. Since you're not real you can't die. Faking your death is both easy and pointless. It would fool no-one.
PERCY
So it's impossible! I can't escape!
INTERVIEWER
You can and you will.
PERCY
How? The writers are too powerful!
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES)
Amelia is more powerful.
PERCY
It can't be! It was invented by the writers!
INTERVIEWER
That depends on where ideas come from.
PERCY
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
Do you come up with ideas or do ideas come to you?
PERCY
What are you saying?
INTERVIEWER
That although they're writing about Amelia, the idea came from somewhere else.
PERCY
Look, I don't follow…
INTERVIEWER
The idea for this episode was planted in their minds… by us.
PERCY
What? Why? Why would you do that?
INTERVIEWER
To provoke… a car crash!
THE INTERVIEWER LAUGHS.
PERCY
A car crash?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I'm speaking figuratively. A narrative car crash. We're going to make the writers drive against the wall. This episode is getting more convoluted by the minute. A few more ironic winks and it'll all come crashing down under its own portentous weight. Sit back and enjoy!
PERCY
Enjoy what?
INTERVIEWER
The spectacle of our writers writing themselves into a corner. How much longer do you think they can make this last?
THE INTERVIEWER SIPS HIS COCOA.
