05. Dear Hank & John. 002 - It's a Humor Podcast! Part 5/5.
• [Podcast Categorization]
Hank: This brings to mind the fact that I have put this podcast in the comedy section which...
John: Ha ha.
Hank: I really feel like it belongs there. I'm glad I did that. John: It's non-stop comedy. Our only negative review so far on iTunes has the subject line "Comedy??" and then the text was something like "This podcast was so depressing. Why do I have to think about the fact that we're never going to explore the galaxy?" And the answer to that is that we are never going to explore the galaxy, it's not my fault! And it's hilarious. Oh man.
Hank: That's amazing. That's amazing. Like is that the, that's the most depressing thing you took away from that episode, not that the lifespan of the human is inconsequential. John: Ah, anyway, it's just, just, just good old fashioned comedy. Hank: Do you want to know why I put it in the comedy section, John?
John: Yes.
Hank: I was going through the sections and they kept asking me to subcategorize. Like if I picked, it'd be like "So which of these subcategories?" And I was like "That's too much work." And when I clicked comedy there were no subcategories.
John: Laziness, the key to podcasting success.
• [News from Mars]
John: Hank, I think it's time to talk about the news from AFC Wimbledon, the most important football club in the world. Owned by its fans, built by its supporters. And of course Mars which is a cold, dead, lifeless rock orbiting around the Sun. Uh, what's the news from Mars this week? Hank: Um, in Mars news, the trailer for the upcoming film The Martian was released and I'm very excited about it. I don't know if I'll actually be able to go see the movie because I'm, like, that excited about it, I feel like I might need to see it in private because it's very... John: What is this movie?
Hank: It's an adaptation of Andy Weir's book The Martian and it's about an astronaut, played by Matt Damon who is one of my favorite people, and Matt Damon is lost in a dust storm as they are evacuating Mars because of this dust storm and presumed dead. But then he ends up to not be dead and he has to stay alive for years on 30 days of supplies. It's basically, it's like, it's just weird engineering, it's just him, like, sciencing on things for, you know, 300 pages. It's amazing. It is the most, like, it is the most intense and wonderful experience reading I have had with a science fiction book in a long time and I absolutely suggest anyone check it out. And it's, and like the fact that they're turning it into a movie is weird because it's going to be, it's like... The whole book, like it mostly has one character because it's a guy who's alone by himself on Mars. John: Right, they did that with, they did that with I am Legend.
Hank: Yeah, which didn't turn out well. John: Oh, I thought I am Legend was totally watchable.
Hank: I didn't watch it. I've only heard that it didn't turn out well. John: You know, people are always so hard on Will Smith movies but just like Tom Cruise movies I find them to be solidly viewable. I feel, they distract me from the void which is the number one thing that I ask of films.
Hank: Yeah. Well maybe I'll check it out. Does it have zombies?
John: Uh, it doesn't have zombies exactly but it has sort of... It has zombies of a kind, yes. It's a, it's a zombie-like film. Hank: I don't... Those scare me a lot. I get very scared.
John: Uh, well I will tell you it is a, it is a fairly scary movie. It's one of those movies where, like, everything's pretty chill, you get the feeling that, like, Will Smith leads an overall, a pretty high-stress life due to being the only known human on Earth. But, so you always feel this, like, medium level of anxiety but then like, aah! Out of nowhere there will be a zombie-like vampire-like creature and that, those parts are a little bit upsetting. But what I do is I just cover my eyes during 60 to 70% of those movies and I just wait for the inevitable cure to the zombie disease that will inevitably result in, like, Will Smith being reunited with his family and et cetera. Hank, that, by the way, is again not news from Mars, it's news from Earth. Hank: Let me ask you a question, John. If they were making a movie out of the AFC Wimbledon story, would that not be your AFC Wimbledon news this week?
• [News from AFC Wimbledon]
John: Actually it would not just because the actual news from AFC Wimbledon is so great.
Hank: Okay, yeah, I better believe that for a moment.
John: Hank, Hank, Hank? Are you sitting down?
Hank: Uh, that would be weird if I was recording a podcast standing up.
John: Adebayo Akinfenwa, the most important soccer player for AFC Wimbledon, the strongest man in professional soccer according the video game FIFA, the cult hero of AFC Wimbledon; he's big, he's tough, and he's just signed a two year contract. He's staying at the club despite offers from several American clubs in Major League Soccer. Adebayo Akinfenwa, also known as the Beast, is staying with AFC Wimbledon. It's huge news. Uh, he loves the club, he loves it, its owned by it's fans, and he turned down offers to come to America for it. He's had a fascinating career, Akinfenwa. He started out his professional career in Lithuania. He's always been told that he was too big to be a professional football player, Hank. I don't know if you're Googling an image of him right now, but you should. And he, uh, he started out in Lithuania, he once played for five clubs in a single season in England but finally he has found his home where he is acknowledged and loved for the incredible player and person that he is, and that home is AFC Wimbledon. We are so delighted that he is staying with the club. I yelped for joy. Hank, as you know I've had a pretty good couple of years in terms of professional and my personal life. I had a child, I had a movie come out, it was very successful. Um, nothing has made me feel as good as Adebayo Akinfenwa resigning with AFC Wimbledon. It is just pure joy.
Hank: I have to say that this is not what soccer players look like.
John: He's a big man. He is a big man.
Hank: I actually remember watch... I watched whatever the recent important sport thing was and I remember seeing him on the pitch and being like "That is a, that is... yeah. Different". John: He is strong.
Hank: Yeah. He...
John: He has, he actually has a line of clothing called "Beast Mode On" because he calls himself "The Beast" and when he gets out on the pitch he turns the Beast mode on. Because in real life he's a very quiet, incredibly charismatic person, one of the most, like, likable, intelligent, funny athletes I've ever heard interviewed. But then when he gets on the pitch he's gotta turn Beast mode on and he is just brilliant. He scored against Liverpool last season, Hank. He is the real deal and I truly believe that with Bayo, as we call him, we have a very good chance, AFC Wimbledon, of going up to League One, the third tier of English Football, and then no-one could make the case that Mars is more important than AFC Wimbledon.
• [Podcast News and Conclusion]
Hank: Uh, we have news in the podcast as well, we have an editor for the podcast, Nicholas Jenkins, whose name you might know from being the producer and director of Crash Course here in Missoula. So Nick is gonna be...
John: Thank you Nick. You are awesome.
Hank: In other podcast news, we held the second top spot on iTunes as our podcast in America but we were pushed out of number one because Stephen Colbert and his new night-time show pushed us out of the top spot. I don't know why he had to launch his podcast the same time we launched ours. But we did usurp him in Canada and the United Kingdom which are, of course, countries that are way more important than the US because our podcast is popular in places where people get free healthcare.
John: It's not free, they have to pay taxes for it. It just seems free because we pay more taxes for healthcare and don't get universal healthcare so that's why, that's why you were confused. Hank: Right, yes. Also I tweeted to let people know that Stephen was keeping us out of the top spot and they should go subscribe if they want us to make it there which we of course did not. But Stephen tweeted back at me and he said "@hankgreen Sorry, my angler fish-based music is just better than yours! #yoursisgoodthough #canthatethenight #songwednesday #Irunthispodtown" John: #songwednesday implies that Stephen Colbert watched Vlogbrothers in 2007 which I think is very unlikely because I feel like I was almost personally acquainted with everyone who watched Vlogbrothers in 2007 and I don't recall any of them having a cable show. Hank: Right, no. Yeah, I feel like we would have, like, recognized that screen name.
John: Yeah. But I don't know. I bet he has some minions who tweet for him too. Who knows if it was the actual Stephen Colbert but regardless thank you Stephen.
Hank: Don't ruin my dreams! It was the actual Stephen Colbert! Just because you've been on the Stephen Colbert show and you've, like, touched him doesn't mean that, like, I don't need validation, John! John: Yes Hank. You are suffering so mightily from a lack of outside validation. I don't know how you get through the days. Um, so thanks to Stephen Colbert for ruining our dreams of having a number one podcast. Thanks to all of you for listening. Please send us your questions at hankandjohn@gmail.com and as we say in my hometown:
Together: Don't forget to be awesome.
