I Pooped Myself On A Date
I was on a date and the night ended with
me almost pooping my pants behind a
dumpster and this is that story it's
super important to keep in mind the
amount of time we have in dating
less than a year because that's very
crucial in the understanding of this
story
we weren't two people who had been in
love forever you know tale as oldest
times okay so you have that information
up here
my girlfriend was just out of college
and I was still finishing my degree
we're the same age but I was a terrible
student the point of this being we
didn't have a lot of money so anytime we
decided to do something it was a really
big deal and on this fateful night we
decided to not only go out to dinner but
to also see a movie I remember being
excited to show off this restaurant I
had picked looking back I remember it
being a little anticlimactic it was fine
I had scallops the restaurant was in a
suburb of Philadelphia where we both
grew up but the movie we were seeing
that night was only showing at an artsy
movie theater downtown were cultured as
we hop in the car after dinner and
drive to Center City I can even tell you
exactly what movie we saw it was Mike
Birbiglia sleepwalk with me yeah they
have a whole section now for your
sister's engagement party cards we're
downtown we park in a garage we get our
tickets and know we're hoppin in that
concessions line usually I'm a simple
man
a candy and a soda guy but something
came over me that night and I guess you
could say this is where the story really
takes off it's our turn to make a
selection and out of nowhere I say one
popcorn please do I like popcorn does my
girlfriend like popcorn we haven't been
dating super long but she knows that I'm
a candy and a soda guy and then without
warning well sir for 50 cents you could
make it a large I think for a moment
okay what first of all you weren't sure
about your popcorn decision three
seconds ago and now we're just gonna
double down on a large I had been
swindled we head in to find our seats
and as is tradition I eat everything
before the movie even starts so Chris
that means yes I'll stop you right there
that means I ate a large popcorn during
the previews my girlfriend was
definitely judging me but that's okay I
deserved it we watched the movie it ends
up being fantastic we both really
enjoyed it and it was time to head home
we walked to the parking garage
and my stomach starts to hurt it was too
early to tell what type of stomach hurt
this was going to evolve into we're in
the car just slowly making our way
through the stop and go traffic of
Center City I felt like I was gonna
throw up it was that full body tension
cold sweat whatever is inside wants out
so keep in mind I'm driving and I tell
my girlfriend that I really don't feel
good she can tell and I'm just scanning
the surroundings for a potential throw
up target and in the midst of this of
course she's being very supportive just
okay okay okay let's just get ourselves
home deep breaths it's all gonna be
alright
I had to fight this off though I was on
a date with a girl I really liked this
would be absolutely mortifying so I just
reasoned with myself when you're that
sick all it takes is I contact with the
toilet or a trash can it's basically
your brain giving your body the green
light to say all right it unleash
hell so with an ironclad grip on the
steering wheel have talks from my
girlfriend some strategic breathing I
emerged victorious I felt like a boxer
who was just collapsing into his corner
after a devastating round you know like
your heart rate slows down okay I've
bought myself some time it was a short
maybe 25 minute drive home and then this
evil force in my body just changed
direction okay tuck the iron on let me
up this direction well I'm headed yeah
no no no no so much of this was just
acting in front of my girlfriend acting
like everything's gonna be fine
I didn't do a good job at hiding my
impending sickness from her and this was
about to be my biggest role yet pretend
that you are not about to your
pants in front of your girlfriend we've
all been there and if you're watching
this and think that that's never
happened to me you're lying
every muscle in your lower body is
clenched that cold sweat returns this
time
with a vengeance I am legitimately
panicked we're nearing the edge of the
city and the amount of viable bathroom
options are rapidly disappearing oh but
we're right by the highway so it's all
gonna be okay we'll just hop right on
that and we'll be home in no time
there's no place like home
there's no place like home we're
speeding up the on-ramp and then oh
dead stop bumper-to-bumper traffic I'm
almost positive I said oh out loud
the jig was up she knew she knew I had
to poop and I had to poop bad she just
calmly looks at me and goes do you have
to poop any other place in time I would
have thought long and hard about this
answer but I was in too deep I didn't
have a choice yep I do now we were
hiddenness together as a couple I'm at
war with my own body and I'm losing
we're devising all these plans and
ultimately we just decide we're gonna
get off at the next exit
I'm just weaving through traffic driving
like I'm goddamn Jason Bourne trying to
lose a tail my girlfriend has her phone
out and she's looking at places for
possible refuge
okay McDonald's is open I switch lanes
make a turn we're speeding down the
street all no they closed ten
minutes ago it's only the drive-through
now my heart sank we were running out of
time
wait this area is full of fast-food
places one of them has to be open
that'll have to do we don't have a
choice like a bat out of hell I'm just
careening through intersections this was
gonna be closed up ahead I see an Arby's
yes I see people inside the lights are
on yes yes yes suddenly I have what can
only be described as an out-of-body
experience if I go in there and there's
a line for the bathroom or they're
cleaning it or it's locked
I'm gonna my pants in front of
20-plus people who are just trying to
eat I come back to my body I couldn't do
it I couldn't subject innocent
bystanders to what was about to happen
I'm in no way joking when I explained
what happened next as my girlfriend
looks onward confused as to why we're
not heading towards Arby's I Drive the
car over this
I walk into the parking lot of an
abandoned Factory we screech to a halt
oh my god it's happening my lower body
is giving up I fling the door open I
leap from the car and I'm trying to run
while also trying not to evacuate my
bowels in front of my loving and
supportive girlfriend there's a dumpster
within 30 feet that's all I had thirty
feet until my world ends I scamper
behind the dumpster like a wild animal
pull my shorts down as best I can and I
just release it was bad it was really
bad nothing to see here just a guy who
loves scallops and popcorn his
brains out cleaning myself up was just a
nightmare I hadn't even considered the
fact that I would have to recover from
this backed into a corner I had to ditch
the underwear that was the only thing I
was gonna be able to wipe with I don't
know why I'm doing this I'm telling you
a story about pooping in public in order
to get to the underwear these shorts
have to come off first then the
underwear shoe stay on completely naked
from the waist down standing overtop of
just a horrific mess in the midst of
this low point in my life I hear
laughter it's soft but I hear it I peek
over the top of the dumpster and the
laughter is coming from my girlfriend in
the car up until that second I had
completely forgotten she was witnessing
this she is losing her mind laughing now
maybe this would have made some people
feel worse having a person you care
about watch you soil yourself but
honestly her laughter was a little
comforting we were in this together I
pull my pants up after cleaning myself
up as best I can going commando of
course that underwear is long gone I
come back to the car which is still
running by the way you smell bad she
says I know okay not helping and I'm
laughing now I get back in the driver's
seat it was time to go home the windows
were rolled down to air out the car
thank god this was summer it's pretty
insane to share an experience like that
with someone you really care about and
guess what we kept going on dates
that's right I was half-naked pooping
behind a factory dumpster and that
wasn't enough to drive her away that was
a sign you know what I went on to marry
that woman
I was unintentionally vulnerable in the
most primal way I can imagine I can't
say I would recommend these events for
everyone but for me as embarrassing as
it was everything worked out pretty
great
[Music]
