AEE Episode 980: What Do These Phrases Say about Parenting in American Culture?
Announcer: This is an All Ears English podcast Episode 980: “What Do These Phrases Say about Parenting in American Culture?” [Instrumental] Announcer: Welcome to the All Ears English Podcast, downloaded more than 50 million times. We believe in Connection NOT Perfection™, with your American hosts Lindsay McMahon, the ‘English Adventurer', and Michelle Kaplan, the ‘New York Radio Girl,' coming to you from Boston and New York City, U.S.A. [Instrumental] Announcer: And to get your transcripts delivered by email every week, go to AllEarsEnglish.com/subscribe. [Instrumental] Announcer: Today, we'll get four phrases that parents used to say back in the day, but you'd never hear today. What does this tell us about American culture and how it's changed? Use this episode to build your cultural knowledge for better connections. [Instrumental]
Michelle: Hey (hi) Lindsay, how are you? Lindsay: Hey (hi) Michelle, we're here in mid-July, the middle of the summer. And Michelle, actually, I wanted to start off today by saying thank you to our reviewers in iTunes. Guys, we love your reviews. Michelle, don't we love them? Michelle: We love them, we really do. Lindsay: Yeah (yes), we do. So thank you to _ from USA, _ from the U.S. Wow haha 888 from Taiwan, from Thailand and from China. Guys, one more, _ Japan. Guys, we love your reviews. Let us know what you think of the show. Go over to iTunes or Apple podcast or wherever you listen to this podcast and leave us a review. Michelle: Okay. Thank you so much, guys. It means so much to us. Really makes our day, really. Lindsay: Yeah (yes), it really does. And remember, guys, if you're having trouble following along and you want to know exactly what we're saying on the show, you can get the transcripts every Monday for the upcoming week. If you go to AllEarsEnglish.com/subscribe, you'll also save fifty percent on the price. So good. Alright, cool. Michelle: Fantastic. Alright, cool. So, Lindsay, we've talked about this a little bit before. So, your mom, she is in child psychology. Is that right? Lindsay: Yeah (yes), I mean, that's where she got her Ph.D. She was never a practicing psychologist; she was a college professor, rather. So, she would teach, like, teachers how to teach, really, and she also taught some developmental psychology classes in the psych department. Michelle: Ohh, how cool. I remember you were telling me once that she had, like, a focus on gender. Lindsay: Yeah (yes). Michelle: Yeah (yes)?
Lindsay: Yeah (yes), she did her Ph.D. on, I think, gender... It was actually, like, the connection between the mother and the child as it varies based on socioeconomic factors, actually. Michelle: Ohh really? Lindsay: Yeah (yes). Michelle: That's so interesting. So, you must have, like, learned a lot of interesting things about children and parenting growing up. Did you get to learn a lot about that? Lindsay: I don't know if I learned about them, but I think I was the experiment. [laughter] Michelle: [laughter] Lindsay: So yeah (yes), that was interesting. [laughter] Michelle: Yeah (yes), yeah (yes), yeah (yes). Okay, interesting. Yeah (yes), no, I was just curious because, like, as more and more of my friends have children, it's just interesting to see them becoming parents. Right?
Lindsay: Yeah (yes). Michelle: Do you have friends who have children? Lindsay: Ohh yeah (yes), of course. It is really interesting. It's interesting to see people kind of play out their parents' patterns, like, what their parents did unconsciously. Right?
And then to see how people are innovating and inventing their own ways to be parents in the world in this era. Right?
Michelle: Right, right, right.
I mean, being a parent seems incredibly hard. Lindsay: I can imagine. Yeah (yes). Michelle: And it's, like, yeah (yes), I think that, over time, you know, it changes so much. Like this idea of, like, what good parenting is, and, like, a lot of times when people look back at the past, there are things that they like, but there are things that they say, "Ohh, how could that have happened?" Right?
"How could you do that?" Right?
Lindsay: Well yeah (yes), our culture changes, right? Michelle: Yeah (yes). Lindsay: So, things change. So, the things that were said back when we were kids or even when our parents were kids were just so different. Like, I remember everyone, people always say, like, "Ohh, when I was a kid back in the 60s or the 50s we could run around all day and my mom just said 'Just be back when it's dark'." Like, there was no, like, there wasn't as much... Michelle: Right. Lindsay: I feel like there wasn't as much fear in the culture. Kids were, like, able to run wild more. Michelle: Right, right, right, yeah (yes). I definitely heard about that as well. Yeah (yes). So, today, we're going to examine that a little bit more and talk about these changes in the culture and parenting over time. So there is an article, you found this article, Lindsay. Lindsay: Yeah (yes), this is an article in Redbook magazine, which is a common cultural magazine here in the U.S., by Charlotte Hilton Anderson on December 13th, 2017. So that is the context there, guys. Cool. Michelle: Right, right, right.
So, it's kind of talking about, I think they're talking about Millennials and Gen X parents. Lindsay: Ohh man, this is a big topic. Michelle: Yeah (yes). So, I mean, Lindsay, what do you think is the reputation of Millennial parents? Do you think there's, like, a reputation? Lindsay: Well, it's kind of interesting. Because we know that, like, it's commonly said that the Millennial generation themselves were parented as, like, the trophy generation. Right?
So, like, you know, we're both Millen... I'm kind of on the cusp of Gen X and Millennial and you're Millennial, and you know, I can say that when I was growing up my parents were definitely all about, "Ohh, you're great." Like, the trophy idea. Right?
You should get a trophy no matter what. [laughter] Like, you're doing a great job and just the praise, the constant praise that there was taught to them as parents in those days. So, the question is, like, how are these Millennial people parenting now? They're turning around and they're becoming parents. I don't know, because it's too early to say. Right?
Michelle: You're saying that Millennials as parents were, like, "Everyone's a winner."? Lindsay: Yeah (yes), the trophy generation. Right?
like Gen Y... Michelle: I thought it was more... I thought that there was more, I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. I thought it's more that Millennials are like that, but I don't know if, like, we were treated that way. Do you... I don't know. What do you think? Lindsay: But don't you think that, like, that's why we're that way, because we were parented that way? Like, the messages that our parents give us are the ones we end up valuing as adults, right? So, this idea of, I don't know, we could do another episode on generation differences. You know what I mean? Michelle: Ohh, yeah (yes). Lindsay: I mean, it's fascinating, but I think that, you know, the way that Millennials, like, people our age are now going to parent is certainly a reflection of how they were parented. Michelle: Sure, sure, sure. Yeah (yes), I never really thought about that. Now I have to look at some, do some self-reflection. I remember I was on a cruise when I was, like, ten and my brother and I did the talent show, and I remember thinking, like, "We really nailed that talent show. Like, we're going to get the first prize." and then everybody got first prize. Lindsay: Yeah (yes), that's an example. Right?
So, that wouldn't have happened in our parents' generation. Michelle: Right, right, right.
Lindsay: Like, when our parents were growing up in the 50s, they would've been like, "Ohh, you did a bad job." Michelle: Right, right, right.
Lindsay: But there's something that happened in the 80s, in this country at least, around the research, I think, and about praising children that that happened for many parents. They praise their children, maybe over praise their children, maybe. And then there became this ‘everyone is a winner' idea... And that boosted people's self-confidence, but the argument now is, like, for people in their 30s now, is, like, is it real? Is it legitimate confidence? Are they building their skills in the same way that they're building their confidence, or have they just always been told they're a winner, but they're actually not building their skills in that proportion? Michelle: And I think it's just getting more intense with the Millennials, you know, just becoming parents. Yeah (yes), I feel like I hear all the time about, you know, like, that Millennials are, like, very, like, parenters that, like... Yeah (yes), wanting everything to be fair, everybody to be a winner. And, so, I guess it's just kind of like everything kind of came together from, I guess, what you're saying, which makes sense. Like, the way they were brought up. Lindsay: Exactly. Like, are we protecting kids too much? You know? Michelle: Right, right. Lindsay: Are we giving kids, are we really preparing kids for the future? Reality is not so cozy and comfy, right? Michelle: It's certainly not. [laughter] Lindsay: [laughter] You're going to fail someday. Like, how are you going to deal with that if you've always been told that you're always going to win, that you're always a winner? So interesting. Michelle: Yeah (yes), it is really interesting. Something that we could do an entire, everything on. But let's just go into a few of them. So, there were twentyone things. We're going to do a few of them today. You know, again, these are what parents used to say that would shock Millennial parents. Okay? Lindsay: Okay. So, this is kind of something that parents might have said, like, in the 50s, right? Michelle: Right. Lindsay: Or the 60s to their kids. But now people our age, and we're becoming parents, we would never say this to our kids. Is that what we're looking at now? Michelle: Exactly. Lindsay: Interesting. Michelle: Okay. So, some of them are... Yeah (yes). [Instrumental] Lindsay: Guys, some big and exciting things are coming to the new iOS app soon. So, be sure that you download it and start listening over there, so that you don't miss a thing. Go to AllEarsEnglish.com/bonuses if you have an iOS device today. AllEarsEnglish.com/bonuses. [Instrumental] Michelle: Okay, Lindsay, what's the first one? Lindsay: [laughter] So, let's imagine a brother and sister are, like, touching each other and poking each other and, like, just fighting. Right?
So, the parent would say, "If you don't quit touching your brother, I'll cut your fingers off and let the doctor sew them back on." [laughter] Michelle: [laughter] Ohh my gosh. Would your mom say anything like this one, Lindsay? Lindsay: No. Because my mom was in that age, well, my mom was, you know, she was a child psychologist. So, she was, like, at the beginning of that generation where this research was coming out, like, you have to praise kids and you can't say this kind of things. Michelle: Right. Lindsay: But yeah (yes), I think this is something that you would have heard more in the 50s. Right?
Michelle: Exactly. Yeah (yes). So, like, my parents wouldn't have said this, but it's more for, like, maybe something that could have been said to our parents. Lindsay: [laughter] Michelle: Ohh my gosh. Could you imagine? Lindsay: Yeah (yes), no. These phrases are so interesting because they show us how much the culture's changed, American culture. Michelle: Yeah (yes), and at one point this was no problem to say. I mean, and, of course, if you said something like this now, this would be, like, a huge problem if somebody heard you saying this. So, someone in the article talked about, like, saying these things in public. Right?
So, if someone said these in public, don't you think they'd get a reaction, Lindsay? Lindsay: I think they would almost; someone would probably call the police and report, like, abusive parents, potentially. Michelle: Yeah (yes). Lindsay: Honestly, like, I think we just have a culture that's so much more reactive now. Michelle: Yeah (yes). Lindsay: So, the way we speak has kind of been moderated based on that. Michelle: Yeah (yes), yeah (yes), yeah (yes), that's for sure. Okay, so the second one. Lindsay: Okay, the second one is, "Put some beer in her bottle, it'll help her sleep." [laughter] Michelle: Ohh. Yeah (yes), I mean, I've heard of parents giving their children alcohol, like, way, way back. Lindsay: Ohh really? That's so funny. Michelle: I've heard of it. I mean, it didn't happen to me. But I think this would make people cringe now. What do you think? Lindsay: Yeah (yes). I mean, certainly you wouldn't hear this now. You might think it as a parent, right, but I don't know. This is something, in American culture at least, you wouldn't hear it probably. Yeah (yes), yeah (yes). Michelle: Yeah (yes), yeah (yes), for sure. Okay. Okay, this next one is huge. Lindsay: This is huge. Well, this is opening another can of worms. Right?
Michelle: Exactly. Lindsay: Okay, go ahead. Want to share, Michelle? Michelle: "Who cares if she fails math? She's just going to be a mom." Ouch. Lindsay: This is very 1950s, right? Yeah (yes). Michelle: Yeah (yes). Ohh my gosh, this is a huge sign of the times. I mean, because, you know, today, I mean, women are not thought of as just being moms. Like, if they decide to do that, that's their decision. Like, there are many stay-at-home moms who are highly educated, and you know, whatever choice somebody makes is the right one for them. But, like, to say that about a woman, you know, or, like, a little girl is kind of putting this idea of, like, first of all, that "just going to be a mom", is, like, that being a mom is, like, somehow, like, "Ohh well, that's all." You know? And then also just saying, like, "Ohh well, women aren't having careers." Lindsay: Yeah (yes), no, this is would be completely unacceptable now, but in the 50s and 40s, maybe the 60s, it would have been completely normal for a dad to say this. Right?
To the wife maybe, like, talking about the daughter. Right?
Sure, sure. Michelle: Yeah (yes), yeah (yes), yeah (yes). Ohh man, yes, that's an interesting one. And, so, number five, well, I guess this is the fourth one we're doing. I don't know. Well, this is the last one, I just chose a few that were really interesting to me, is what, Lindsay?
Lindsay: It is, "You can walk home by yourself." Right?
So, this sheds light on how much more protective we've become as a culture. Like, as parents, you know, parenting has become so much more protective, because there's been, like... It's so hard. I wonder if it's just a function of the fact that the news is just more in our face now. So, back in the day, like, I'm sure they were, like, there were abductions of children back in the 50s, but we didn't hear about it, because the news wasn't, like, all over all the time. But now we just hear about it more often, so we're so terrified that we coddle our kids and we protect them, we don't let them be alone. Right?
It's probably actually less common. I know that on a grand scale, the things, the culture has gotten safer, than it was in the 60s and the 70s. Like, if you look at the crime rates in New York, for example, it's actually gotten a lot safer. Michelle: Right, right, yeah (yes), that's true. Especially the New York example. I don't know about, like, the 50s. I mean, I know that, like, you know, you hear that people used to leave their doors unlocked and, like, I don't know exactly, like, if it's safer or not as safe, I don't know. I guess I have this feeling that it's not as safe now, but you're right. I don't know. I don't know if that's true and I think it's a good point that you've brought up about, like, the news and how information spreads. Who knows? Lindsay: No, I think crime in general, I have to look this, up but I think I remember hearing that crime in general. Yeah (yes), it says here, "Violent crime in the U.S. has fallen sharply over the past quarter century." This is the Pew Research Center, so this is a reputable site here. It says that the two most commonly cited sources of crime statistics both show a substantial decline in the violent crime rate since it peaked in the early 1990s. Michelle: So, but, that's in the 90s. Like, we're talking about, like, the 50s, 60s. Like, I'm curious what that would be. Lindsay: Yeah (yes), we'll have to do a follow-up episode. Michelle: Research the crime rates of the last 100 years and we can talk.
Lindsay: Yeah (yes). So, since the 90s it has certainly fallen, but we'll have to go further back. But yeah (yes), so interesting, these phrases tell us so much about how the cultures change, at least our way of thinking about things. Michelle: Right, right, right, exactly. And, like, it's also interesting to think about what parents are doing now. Like, Millennial parents that one day, you know, their kids will be reading and saying, "Ohh, can you really believe that that's how people used to talk, what people used to do?" So, I wonder what it's going to be? Lindsay: Yeah (yes), it's another cliché. Right?
We talked about clichés last week, is like "you sound like your mother". Right?
Like, I'm becoming my mother. [laughter] Such a cliché in the U.S. Right?
Like, this idea, we can't help it, like, we kind of, we take on how we were parented. Right?
We can also be conscious and make choices to parent differently, of course, but to some extent, those are patterns that we have. Michelle: Right. Right, no, it's so true. So interesting. Yeah (yes). But yeah (yes), guys, I really want to know from, I mean, because this is so, so incredibly cultural. Please write to us and let us know, like, you know, which of these things do you identify with. Like, which of these things are true in your culture, or maybe different, or what's changed about parenting in your culture. Lindsay: Yeah (yes), exactly. So, guys, come back to our blog for this one, come back to the blog, and type in episode number... What episode is this, Michelle? 980, and leave us a comment, tell us, like, yeah (yes), like Michelle said, which ones do you resonate with, how has your culture changed over the years in terms of these topics? Like violence and also gender roles. Right?
Michelle: Mhh hmm. Lindsay: That kind of thing. Very interesting. Michelle: Yeah (yes). And just, you know, realize, you know, I think the main point is that, you know, what's normal changes from generation to generation,and you know, we have to learn from the past mistakes, but I also think it's important to realize, like, what was positive. Lindsay: Yeah (yes). Michelle: And then also realize that, like I said, is that one day you're going to be the one to be blamed. [laughter] Lindsay: [laughter] So interesting. Michelle: "How could you have said that?" Yeah (yes). So anyway, interesting. Guys, go check out that article for even more examples and let us know what you think. Lindsay: Alright. Very cool, Michelle. Good topic today. It's fun to branch into cultural stuff. Michelle: Ohh, I love it. Lindsay: It's good. I mean, this is important for our listeners, too. You guys need this context, these topics, to be able to break in a conversation. You know? With new people. Michelle: Ohh, yeah (yes), that's what this is about. Right?
So I think, you know, definitely good conversation starters. Lindsay: Alright. Cool. Michelle, have a good week, I'll talk to you soon. Michelle: You too. Bye, Lindsay. Lindsay: Bye. [Instrumental] Announcer: Thanks so much for listening to All Ears English. And if you need a seven or higher on your IELTS exam to achieve your life vision, then our “Insider Method” can get you there. Start with our free video series master class. Get video one now at AllEarsEnglish.com/INSIDER. And if you believe in Connection NOT Perfection™, then subscribe to our show on your phone or on your computer. See you next time.
