Episode 01 - part 01
[man] Hey!
Rise and shine, Princess. It's your big day.
Hope you got your beauty sleep.
[gasps] Ugh! She did it again.
Please, let me go on a crusade!
Anything's safer than guarding that princess.
All in.
-Call. -[crowd gasps]
Two pair.
Not so fast.
Three me's.
That's only two.
One, two, me.
Money's mine.
Not when I got the knife.
[scoffs and gulps]
[burps loudly] Hmm.
[whimpers]
[crowd gasps]
[grunts]
[all exclaiming]
[gasps]
[groans]
See you guys tomorrow.
You've had your fun. Now it's time to get married.
Would Your Highness care to get in?
-Morning, Princess! -Lovely day, miss!
How's it hanging, Princess?
-Sorry I can't make your wedding. -You wanna switch places?
No, I'm good.
-Enjoy your special day. -You, too.
Morning, Princess. Care to try my new cure-all?
It wards off deadly plague.
I'm actually hoping for death. Thanks, though.
Gah! Quit judging me, Dad.
[Zog] Mmm.
This one needs royaling up. More columns, more frosting.
And neither of these looks like me.
Make them both look like me. Then, get rid of one!
Ugh. Cakes.
Did you make sure to add extra frosting?
Of course, I... Hey! Where were you?
Oh, I understand, darling.
On my wedding day, I also had butterflies in stomach.
I shouldn't have eaten so many.
I just wanted to have a last bit of fun before the happiest day of my life.
Silence! The delegation from Bentwood arrives any moment.
Take off those common clothes and come down looking like a princess!
As you wish, Father.
Anybody looks at her, they get their head chopped off.
Oh, boy, did I look at her!
What?
Great. I have to wear this crazy veil and pretend I'm a virgin?
It's not a veil, ma'am. It's your corset.
See? It pushes all the mincemeat to the top of the pie.
All this wedding hassle for a stupid political alliance?
I thought that I'd get married for true love, or because I was wasted.
Lots of reasons to get married, ma'am.
I got married for a goat.
Now, let's hurry. The prince will be here any minute to marry you
and, time permitting, meet you.
Eh? Huh?
How do I look? Spiffy, right?
I had the dogs lick me clean twice.
[trumpeting]
Announcing the King and Queen of Bentwood,
Lorenzo the First and Bunny.
Welcome, Your Highnesses.
[stammers] My new King-and-Queen-in-laws.
Or should I just call you brother and sister?
We are brother and sister. What of it?
And their son-slash-nephew,
hero of the Battle Against That Bird That Flew Into The Room One Time,
groom-to-be, Prince Guysbert of Bentwood.
[crowd gasps]
Va-va-voom!
You never do that for me.
-[sighs] I hate this feeling. -Sobriety, ma'am?
No, I just feel like my life is ending. I can't even smile.
[grunts]
Don't worry. We'll make your cheeks look nice and rosy.
Remember: Whores rouge. Ladies leech.
You ever wish you could live in a place where people are really, truly happy?
♪ It's a ha ha ha and a hee hee hee ♪
♪ We're as happy as we can be ♪
♪ Elfwood is the place we'll never flee ♪
♪ Our minds are blank But our hearts are free ♪
♪ We work all day and we sing with glee ♪
♪ We drink all night, uncontrollably ♪
♪ It's a ho ho ho and a hee hee hee ♪
♪ Listen to us whistle adorably ♪
[whistling]
[kissing]
[gasping]
-[whistling stops] -[both moaning]
[Superviso] Elfo! Kissy! No tummy touching!
Kissy, save your lips for the prepackaged candy assortments.
And, Elfo, it's like you don't appreciate your assembly-line job.
Yeah, uh, it's kinda not the one I wanted.
I'm kinda not always... happy?
[elves gasp]
But we're singing.
Yeah, singing while you work's not happiness. It's mental illness.
Wha...
Ugh! I'm sick of being happy all the time.
Just once, I wish...
I wish I could go somewhere where people are miserable.
Hmm.
What is going on with this gift?
[gruff voice] Open the gates of... I mean, the ribbon.
Princess Tiabeanie,
you are hereby cursed from the deepest depths of the underworld!
Oh!
What?
You look great, though. Nice to meet you. They call me Luci.
-Guards! Guards! -Shh! Shh!
A weird ghost guy is attacking and complimenting me.
Shut up! Silenzio!
[muffled grunts]
First up, not a ghost.
Ghosts are losers that got murdered.
-I am a demon. -[muffled] You're a demon?
That's right. In fact, your personal demon.
Get used to it,
'cause you are stuck with me for all eter...
...nity.
And so the demonic binding begins.
Yes, our emissary will steer her towards the darkness.
It may take months, even years.
So, we'll need chairs.
Dark chairs.
[Elfo kissing and moaning]
[Elfo grunts]
[Kissy] Oh, Elfo, you're so naughty.
[Elfo] Why is everyone always saying that?
Just because I'm not jolly all the time doesn't make me a weirdo.
Hey!
Get outta here, Weirdo!
[breathy chuckle]
[Elfo] But it's like you do the slightest thing here,
-and everyone freaks out. -[Kissy] Mmm-hmm.
[Elfo] It's like they all have peppermint sticks up their asses.
[Kissy] Oh, yeah.
-Your whining really turns me on. -There's more where that came from.
We spend all day making candy to earn candy.
It doesn't make any sense!
You're so sad. You're a sad little elf!
Kissy! What in humping heavens is going on?
Nothing, Father!
Weirdo doesn't take his pants off for nothing. Elfo?
Oh!
Ow.
This is the last straw. You're going to be punished.
What are you gonna do? Give me a paddling with a big wollypop?
This is serious. You'll be hanged from the Gumdrop Tree.
♪ Hanging Elfo from the Gumdrop Tree A strangly-dangly activity ♪
Oh, this is all me fault, my boy. I got something to tell ya.
Oh!
Pops!
Well, it's gonna take a while, so let me pull up this chair.
Hey.
-Now, what was I saying? -[Elfo] Ow!
Oh, yeah, it all started when I first laid eyes on your mother.
I mean, hands.
I couldn't keep them to myself,
and all of a sudden, she gave me a right hook,
-and I was in love. -Pops!
[grunting]
[Luci laughs]
Whoa!
Olé!
I'm already cursed enough.
I don't need some demon making my life worse.
Oh!
That's no ladies' mace.
[grunts]
Yeah, look, you're stuck with me forever, so just take a deep breath and--
[grunting] Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
[grunts]
[objects clattering]
And that, my friend, is how one returns a gift.
If you don't calm down, this is gonna be a long forever.
[sighs]
Okay, you win.
[grunts]
[snoring]
[choking and struggling]
I told you elves are too light to hang.
The last guy we hanged died of old age.
Fine. Stab him!
Father, stop!
You can't just kill every guy that kisses me.
Sure I can.
[crowd murmurs]
[Elfo grunts]
[Elfo grunts]
Run, Elfo! Run far away!
Come with me!
[panting]
